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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
Hi @Phoenix_Rising and anyone who may be passing by.
Guess what I did this morning? I had an ultra hard conversation with my psych about diagnoses, and one in particular that I have huge feelings about because of the way people who are diagnosed with this one (which once included me) can be treated because of the stigma it carries. I had a big spill about what it felt like to me to have that label mean that incredibly important things (violence) were being overlooked and dismissed. And then I touched on what happened behind closed doors because of it all and how much of a big mistake it was not to hear the teeny tiny little voice I had back then that was trying so hard to say "please stop looking at what's wrong with me and please start noticing what's happening to me". I said that I really hope and believe that things have changed now and if I was in that situation today it would have been picked up. Psych agreed with it because "domestic violence is core business" (huuuuge face-palm about that being what violence means to my psych :S but their intentions were good I'm sure) and then they said that they heard me and they acknowledged that what I went through was not ok and that no amount of understanding that things are different now, can take it back.
Psych tried to frame diagnosis as "a tool for clinicians to help understand each other". I spoke about how important it is that those tools are used in a way that is helpful for the people at the centre of it all - the clients and 'patients'. And then I went one further and vented all about how much damage can happen when tools are in the hands of people who misuse them as mechanisms of control, and give even more power to people who already hold power over vulnerable people.
So I might not have changed the entire world today Phoenix_Rising, but I am confident that my psych (who works everywhere) listens and takes on these words, and that in some tiny way I may have planted another tiny seed that may make a difference somewhere, somehow.
We have a plan to give myself three weeks of settling back into a routine and to rest and do what feels good, to see if that can help settle the struggle I am having with things at the moment. If it doesn't help (which we both think it will) a break place stay is likely to be the next step. My new PRN is also now not a PRN as it's a take regularly for the next couple of weeks med, with the hope that it will stop my body from tricking my brain into thinking that we need to panic, run and escape right this second.
Big giant breath. It's been a teary but rewarding day so far, that I really wanted to share because it feels like a little bit of a step in the right direction again.
Wondering how many of you are getting on, and really looking forward to being able to wander a bit further around the forum than I have been this last little bit - hopefully life (and my head) will allow that soon 🙂
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear This is me right now after reading your post.
Yay for changing the world - one MH professional at a time.
In response to: I'm in a nest
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Oh well done @CheerBear ..... ❣️
That is huge !!
So proud of you Hon ...... 🎉woo-hoo (just quietly so I don’t overwhelm you)
In response to: I'm in a nest
CatcakesSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
A topic very close to my heart @ CheerBear, and well done for having the courage and tenacity to ensure your psych understands what it is you’re not happy about diagnoses. I wish I had the courage to tell my story here but in the meantime just T know that I hear you and understand how wrong it can feel.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CatcakesSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear ^^^
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I felt you being all Kermit the turtle in my handbag today @Phoenix_Rising😁
Thanks @Faith-and-Hope💕😊
@Catcakes I'm not sure if you're a forum hugs person, but if you are I'm sending them to you with thank yous 😊 I look forward to reading your story (or more of it than I've picked up on) if and when you share
In response to: I'm in a nest
CatcakesSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I’ll take a hug @CheerBear Things are a bit shitty atm
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Here's some for you @Catcakes🤗 (closest we can get to hugs but the smile doesn't seem right sometimes sorry). I'm sorry things are tough. Wishing hugs were enough.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CatcakesSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Helps a lot @CheerBear. Feels so lonely when things aren’t going well and there’s no one to tell. Even the beautiful sunny day isn’t lifting my mood today.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBearjust wanted to say well done hun, I loved reading your posts. Yea for changing the world one psych at a time
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