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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I had this amazing daydream yesterday about living on that property together-but-not (there were goats) and changing the world @Phoenix_Rising. I wanted to pick up the phone and call you and ask if you could be a go-to person for the LF (because chocolate and staying up all night is totally fine with me during "we're sinking again") and I could be an emergency contact for you on yoga and therapy forms. It makes me feel good to imagine what missions and adventures we could go on in person. I can almost feel the world shudder at the thought 😆

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi to anyone who's reading.

I have a bit of a random question for @CheerBear about the mindspot thing if you don't mind talking about it (let me know if you don't want to talk about it, or want to move the discussion to a different thread, or want to talk about it indirectly or in code instead of normal English) - did you end up doing/complete it? I just started mine this week and it looks like it's going to be even less 'contact' than I thought it would be.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey @TheVorticon 🙂

Totally don't mind discussing that one and glad you asked! I didn't see it through but I did get a few weeks in. I had a phone call weekly, scheduled for the same day and time and they were on time which I appreciated. The person who called me was really nice but we had a couple of hiccups which I found difficult to overcome. Our hiccups were probably because the whole course is pretty generic and can be widely applied which has plenty of positives, but I also think there's room and need for a deeper level of understanding of specific situations sometimes. I was doing the PTSD one, which from memory you're not doing? For me the biggest hiccup (with almost all forms of therapy, not specifically this course) is that it's not always helpful for me to challenge some "unhelpful thinking" stuff being that the threat that caused the trauma is still real and there which make those responses actually helpful and protective (if that makes sense - I could be saying that really badly!). It wasn't so much the course but more my own stuff. They were really understanding and it was the person who was calling me who asked whether it was worth me not doing it anymore (totally in my control there) so I didn't log on again. I also have a bit of an anti box checking thing so the questionnaires did my head in. I think it could work well for some and maybe not so well for others but I gave it a go (and go you for doing the same!).

Is less contact something that's a positive or negative (or a nothing) for you?

Not sure if that helps or answers your question but feel free to ask away and share how you go with it as I'm interested in hearing!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks for answering @CheerBear 🙂

Yeah I'm doing a different one.

That's good that the person was nice, although it sucks that the course didn't work out for you because of some of that stuff. The thing about "unhelpful thinking" actually being helpful for an ongoing situation does make sense. I'm also glad that the way that they asked you if it was worth doing, was asked in a way that worked for you. The way I'm wired means that in most (but not all) cases I'd react pretty badly to that question/suggestion if it was asked to me, even if the logical answer was no... so I hope it didn't have a tailspin-effect on you at the time.

I can see why the questionnaires would get annoying. It took me ages to get through the first one, even though the questions themselves didn't personally bother me (although I do have trouble when they ask about about stuff over 2 weeks or a month, cause I can't really remember enough to accurately reflect).

I'm conflicted about the contact situation. On the one hand, the main selling point for me was that there was some sort of contact. I can read random self-help rubbish or information on my own time any old time, but typically don't because there's no accountability and I've got nowhere doing that up to this point. Having a point of contact would help with the accountability and maybe be a bit of support since I don't have any from anywhere else.

On the other hand, I find it difficult to form words in my head to be spoken or typed when it comes to certain stuff.

A phone call would be hard:

  • for timing purposes
  • because I ignore/avoid calls if I'm not in the narrow zone for accepting the call
  • because talking verbally about some stuff (depending on what they talk about) is weird
  • because they'll be like "do you have any questions" and I'll say "um, no it's all pretty self explanatory" so then "ok the end, kthxbai"

A written message would suck:

  • because based on my experiences reading any written counselling-like stuff, it typically comes across to me as invalidating and glib, and as if they spent half a second copy-pasting something that they'd once seen someone else write about something else to someone else (which is obviously not the experience I'm aiming for)
  • because although the initial message mentions the option of having weekly messages, they then described how to request weekly phone calls, how to do occasional-when-you-have-questions phone calls, and sort of mention occasional-when-you-have-questions messages... But not weekly messages. I understand that the option is there but the wording has obscured it from being a clear selection, for me. And I find it difficult to say what would be helpful/useful for me or what I want, so that's looking like an obstacle at the moment.

Aaaand it's time that I hit 'post' before this becomes as long as LoTR.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Morning nest ☺

I can see definitely see how that's a conflicting feeling one @TheVorticon. The selling point for me (aside from being interested in seeing what it was about) was the contact thing, also for the reason you said about how there really is so much written stuff out there to access already. Something I did notice was how "neatly" all the info was presented. I liked that there was lots of different types of info there (slides, handouts, links, etc).

I too understand how that wording about the contact was awkward. I also have some trouble directly asking for things sometimes too. During the initial conversation with the facilitator person/counsellor they said that usually people receive a weekly call and that they recommended it, which made it lots easier for me to then say yes to (rather than needing to directly ask). Have you spoken with anyone there on the phone aside from the inital assessment call?

In terms of the weirdness of talking and putting things into words, hearing you there also and I understand it's something that gets in the way of you being able to find supportive support, as I imagine would be a pretty common experience. My words used to be lots harder to use and it's only through practice that they aren't always as difficult anymore. I learn best through experience and it takes a whole lot of "that didn't work" to find the thing/s that do. How much easier would it be if everything went well the first time we tried it?! The dark side of me doesn't cope with thungs not working but when my sometimes annoying "bright-side" side kicks in, I feel one step closer to finding what does work when something doesn't.

It really is cool to see you trying to push through the challenges. I hope that you can find this one helpful for you, even if it is in practicing trying and being one step closer to finding what works for you (feel free to tell my bright side that's she's seriously annoying sometimes too 😉).

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @CheerBear.
I never spoke on the phone to anyone there. I did an "avoid the phonecall" thing and so they just emailed instead. Guess I'll figure it out later.
I was glad to read about your fun day today 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear 💜💐🌺😃
Thankyou for thinking of me on the other thread.
So much has been going on here. The latest is devastating. I’m still in shock.
MRI showed rare brain condition for D.
Explains the seizure.
Have seen neurologist, now waiting to see neurosurgeon to see what can be done to prevent a stroke
It’s so frightening for D.
I’ve cried so much, I can’t believe it, to be honest.
Everything has been put on hold until surgery is over.
I knew life is hard, but this is way too much to cope with.
I continually reassure D that everything will be ok and inside I’m totally shattered.
We try and be positive and speak positive.
She burst into tears while seeing neurologist this week and just after, she said to me, I don’t want to die.
This is a hard one Cheerbear.
I haven’t read how you are.
Are you ok?
Feeling too stressed to read back to see how you’ve been
But thinking of you and miss chatting
💜❤️💕🌺🌸💐🌷

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh @Former-Member. That's shattering. I feel sick just imagining what you're going through at the moment. It's so understandable that you're in shock, frightened and feeling like it's too much.

Far out 🙁 That's so SO hard Bella.

Do you have any idea how far away surgery may be?

My heart hurts thinking of you going through this with D.

Biggest loves to you. We're here listening and here if it helps at all ❤

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Public system is too slow, so have to see private neurosurgeon. First available appointment is in 2 weeks. Public, who knows???? Can’t risk it. Went public for mri and neurologist, not thinking it was anything serious. But can’t wait for public anymore. Waited 2 months to have mri. But didn’t think it mattered, because had no idea anything serious was wrong.
Hard for her to plan uni or anything.
She keeps busy with friends to try and keep her mind off it, but she’s soooo unusually tired all the time.

I guess school starts next week?
Is that a good thing or bad?
Are your 3 going ok? 💜

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh @Former-Member what horrible news you've had. And your D too. It's so scary to consider. And having to wait must be so frightening. I really hope it goes well and her recovery is trouble free.
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