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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear. Hi @Former-Member.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

How are you @Former-Member?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I've had a run of not-great days this week @Former-Member and it's taking a bit (a lot) of a toll now. Mayyyyybe I am being a little hard on myself when you put it that way 🙂 I had stuff I wanted to do but didn't have the energy so it was frustrating but maybe needed.

That's big stuff and I can see why you'd be stressing. "Not good enough" is one of my brain's favourite tricks.

@Former-Member - you're here 🙂 thank you. How are you going?

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I’m … still breathing, @Former-Member. I want to say ‘okayish’, but there’s way too much emphasis on the ish. Sorry you’re feeling so stressed at the moment. I can very much relate to feeling unable to justify your existence.

Of course I’m here, @CheerBear. Only a tag away—at least when notifications/emails are working. This housing bus is super heavy and want it off me already. Sorry to hear you’ve had a tricky week.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Housing buses are SO heavy @Former-Member. They suck so so much 😞

Has your support facilitator come back yet?

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

She came back this week and I saw her yesterday. She was actually very helpful. She even offered to come over tomorrow morning when the photographer is here to take photos of the house. I declined her offer, but it still meant a lot that she offered in the first place. I feel so sick about photos of my house/stuff being online, and random people being in my house. Not because I have anything of great value, it just feels so invasive and unsafe. They're going to take a photo of my bed and put it online—and there is not a single thing I can do about it.

Sorry to sook. I know there are much bigger problems in the world but it is really doing my head in.

Can you talk about what is going on for you, or have you shared all you can (over there ➡️)?

(And sorry, I am so 🐌 tonight ... well, all the time, really.)

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Our place was sold was we were in it @Former-Member and it was such a yuck feeling 😞 It totally did my head in for those reasons you said. It's a big deal and it's a huge thing in your world. I am glad your SF was helpful. Can she help you with the move (will you stay if an investor buys it)? You obviously don't need to answer anything at all. So sucky and so sorry it is happening 😞

I don't know about how much I can say 😞 I feel really anxious and it's gotten out of control to an extent. I see my MH worker and GP tomorrow and I am a bit worried about both of those. I know I need something to change sooner rather than later.

I don't mind you being so 🐌 I feel a bit like that tonight also

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh, I’m so sorry this has happened to you, too @CheerBear. 🙁 I can’t stay here while the unit is on the market. I just will not cope. I was already not coping in general before the housing bus. I have no idea how I’m going to get through tomorrow and the first few OFIs. Fingers crossed I find a new place soon. The downside is having to commute to uni for my final semester (at least 1.5 hours each way, twice a week), but there are benefits too—not that I’m overly good at the whole glass-half-full thing.

My SF offered to help with the actual move (as in lifting boxes), which was lovely (but won’t be necessary). What she is doing for me is looking into the Partners in Recovery transfer. One of the things I’ve been worried a lot about is moving and going back to no longer having support (and also having no one to help me with the NDIS application-no-doubt-soon-to-be-battle). It happened years ago in Melbourne—I fought and fought to get a case manager so I could access Spectrum (BPD service); I finally got one and then had to move out of the area, and the new area wouldn’t assign one. (It really shouldn’t be so hard to get help.) Anyway, my SF is making calls this week to find out if there is a waitlist in the new region and how long it is, and she has assured me that I’ll still have support here until something is organised over there (even it is 1.5 hours away from the new place).

I’m sorry things are so hard for you right now. 🙁 I really hope you can get some helpful help tomorrow (as in help that won’t cause further problems or anxiety). How long are the LF away? Just the night?

(I’m trying to be 🐐-🐌 but I’m really just 🐌-🐌.)

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It was a long and not nice experience @Former-Member and if I could have had it in me to move I would have but we were stuck with the lease also. I got my assertive pants on a few times with a bully RE agent but we ended up working it out and an investor purchased the house. A few months later the big bang happened. Yay life 😑 Long story short - totally hearing you and getting how and why it is hard times a million. You will do what you need to get through even though it feels and is so incredibly hard. I wish the housing world was different.

The support thing is so scary, speaking from experience with moving away from supports also 🙁 It's good that SF is helping with that and has recognised how important it is to not have a big gap in support (I am semi face palming considering she pretry much did that over the break :face_with_rolling_eyes:). I agree - it should really not be that hard at all. Big sigh.

They're away for tonight. I'm scared that someone will make a decision for me tomorrow so that may change. I don't know. I've followed every step of the plan to help me stay ok and have done as much as I can think of but I have hit the "now what" part and so has my MH worker. If i could get food and sleep stuff working better I think I would be functioning a lot better myself so maybe it's a med thing. Bonus of having a snowflake brain is that meds work (too) well (too) quickly for me.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Ps action goat!!! That made me smile lots! I haven't seen action goat for a while 😁
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