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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

No just me and my parents.
I just want my own space!!!!
Gosh, to be able to afford your own place, that would be lovely.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

So understand the own space thing @Former-Member! Even if I found the nicest partner in the whole world (not that I am looking) I think I'd have issues not having my own space after having it. Granted I have to share it with three space invaders, but yeah, space is good 🙂

Wish housing was more affordable for everyone!

Hope your hiding goes ok tonight. Heading off to not-sleep but to try and to hope.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

God, just stressing.
What bomb is going to be dropped on me tomorrow?????
What am I going to have to deal with???
Why can't I just be a hermit and live by happy hermit life? Why must I need people and want people and then have to deal with this stress???
Seriously tempted to sh just for the sake of it right now. But I haven't in years, but god for some weird reason the urge is there.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey @Former-Member.

I can relate to needing space ALOT too. Being someone who ab sorbs moods easily I think I’m often better on my own although I will get lonely too I’d imagine. It’s a reality for me soon enough though as my kids will all leave home soon enough. My kids are all fiercely independent so it won’t be long.

I related to the living with someone again thing too @CheerBear. After living with my ex husband for 12 years then partner for 13 years there is lots I like about being on my own too. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to relinquish this either 😊

@Former-Member I hope you do get to have your own space soon. Please look after you.....no sh you here, they are just urges. I’m here for a bit if you want to chat.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I haven't told many people this and I'm totally completely and utterly f-ed if anyone I know finds out.
But I was fired from my last job. 'Nice job'. I just couldn't keep up with the work and my anxiety would consume me on a daily basis. If I get fired from another job.....
God how am I ever going to live, I can't live with my parents, I can't hold down a job. What will become of me. I'm sooo scared I'll end up homeless.
If it wasn't for my parents I'd be homeless now.
I'm such a f--k up.
I wish I had the guts.
I just want to be left alone with my teddy.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

How are you Miss @Teej?

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Those fears you have @Former-Member are mine too. I am very scatterbrained and don’t know how I will hold down a job. I also am very slow at working and thinking even more since my trauma stuff. I’m so easily distracted. Truth be known once my kids move out if I’m not working lots of hours (and I haven’t had a job for over 2 decades) I will have to sell my house too. It petrified me too. The only way I’ve been getting through lately is to just to keep focusing on getting through the day I’m in. Once I go to thinking about it I become suicidal. It sucks because I don’t feel like I’m making progress although others tell me I am. I don’t have much advice but that getting through each day is the priority.

Also im not sure if possible but my therapist just talked to my oldest son who had been riding me lots lately abut what we are doing in therapy and how he can help and what makes it harder for me. He found it really useful and helpful. Maybe your psychologist could talk to your parents and let help them work out what is helpful for you.

PS for the last few days I have run away to my parents house while they are away to get alone time and try to deal with some very difficult painful emotions. I totally understand your need for space.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Your eyes right, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
My parents are supportive of me, but totally anti mental health treatment. I think it's become they have their own issues and have refused to acknowledge them or get help for them. They would never go to a therapist, even if it was about me.
I've been lucky that a friend has let me housesit for them for the last week, so I've had a bit of space. It's been lovely.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Do you ever dissociate @Teej?
Do you have a bad memory?
If so, what do you do to cope with it?

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

No I don’t think I dissociate @Former-Member. I think I may have early on but not in the last two years. My memory is erratic. I have a good memory for some things and a terrible memory for others. It very much depends on the day for me too. Some days it’s all ok and some days I can’t think my way out of a paper bag. I am just this meandering mess of disorganised thoughts.

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