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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
This is going to be a bit of a long spill post (and this, therefore, is a heads up). I'm not expecting anyone to read or reply but I wanted to share because it helps to get it out here. I have no idea what I have said here and what has been kept in my head so apologies in advance if I've said it before.
This day last year (day not date but that's where my head gets stuck) is when we moved into this house which takes me to the end of what was an incredibly hard couple of weeks that has caused lots of 'stuff' in my head. Last year we had left the refuge in a huge rush after it went bang in a way, which put us in nowhere land for a little while (not long but long enough to be very scary) where we moved around until today.
I remember this day really well. I left the LF with a someone and went back to clear out our room and return keys. I then had the day waiting to pick up the keys to this house that I hadn't seen. While I was waiting I went to the school and enrolled the LF. I did the walk in and melt down thing when questions were asked, so I sat in the principal's office with the paperwork and a few support people who gave me lots of tissues and let me turn into a puddle. They were amazing. They gave me uniforms for the LF to show them they could belong somewhere again, introduced me to everyone who would be part of the LF school life, instantly started taking safety seriously and putting plans in place, and organised for them to go in the next day and meet everyone. I had a gut feeling that if everything else turned ugly, at least school was right, and that has been the case. I then waited for the afternoon until I could pick up the keys. I was feeling all kinds of feelings that day.
We moved in here with what was in the car as our stuff was still in storage and, because we had been in nowhere land with no idea what was going to happen, the proper move couldn't be organised for a few days. The fish and I slept here on some camping mattresses for a few nights with whatever we could squeeze in the car (which was mostly all the important stuff - a giant collection of stuffed toys, bedding and colouring in things). We decorated with strings of fairy lights and had take away on the floor with paper plates. They ran around the backyard playing, so happy and excited. I remember sitting here on that first night watching three sleeping and feeling the hugest rush of "we made it". It was one of those times when inside I truly felt what really mattered most in life. That's my good of that time and that's what I am trying to hold on to while all the not-so-good memories of then keep sneaking in.
It's such a fight to not give in to the enormous feelings that those memories bring back. It feels like being totally stuck in then while trying to live in now and it makes the now feel pretty hopeless. It's so hard to look at what is right in front of me and know it is so worth it and so great, but still feel shattered sometimes. It's internal chaos.
This last couple of weeks have been hard. I've spent a bit of time stitching stitch by painfully slow stitch on a giant mandala to keep me planted on the ground with safe busy hands, while my head tries to run away. Today, like the other anniversary days, is kind of like the end and the start in a way and I am really hoping that things will settle again inside me with this one being over. There's a lot I can't share here because I am scared of being found and it hurts me because I want to (it helps to have been able to talk a bit not-here). But I trust that people don't need to know exactly to be able to get it.
That was a long vent and it's taken a lot for me to get it out, but it feels better for having done so. Thanks to anyone who listened with their eyes to that.
And with that, I just finished this part finally. It's been long and slow and it's the end and the start too.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CatcakesSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
That @CheerBear is a beautiful, moving and brave story and the crochet equally amazing. Well done.❤️
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Catcakes thanks so much ☺
I'm a huge ball of feelings right now and am going to take myself off the forum and pick up those amazing littles but I wanted to say thanks before I head off ❤
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Oh, @CheerBear.🙁 My tears got even bigger at ‘uniforms’. 🙁 Such giant hurty heart feels. 🙁 I’m so sorry about everything you and your LF have been through and I’m sorry you’re still stuck in/with the ick of it. I know that this-vs-that-internal-chaos-ness makes for much brain-moosh and heart-squash. 🙁
Your blanket is looking amazing—you’re nearly almost done. 😊 I know it is not quite as emotionally-driven as the first one, but when I look at those photos I still see/feel the emotion woven into each and every stitch. Safe stitching busy hands are a very good thing. 🌷
Thank you for sharing a bit of your head and heart stuff, @CheerBear. I wish in a very big way that I had a wand (or genie or genie with a wand) so I could make things easier. You and your LF deserve easier. 💚
In response to: I'm in a nest
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear - you're an amazing, resilient woman who has survived (and is almost thriving) through what sounds like a horrific period in your life. That you managed to pick up the peices and carry on, is incredible and I know that there has been a lot of tough days for you and your little ones. I bet you are a beautiful mum, and you children are resilient, safe and grounded by your nurturing nature. Thank you for sharing some of your story. It's a pleasure getting to know you.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear I don't need to know, in order to know. One thing that did pop into my mind while reading your story is just how utterly naive and absurd it is for anyone to ever ask "why doesn't she just leave?" One day, when your brain is less puddled and the past is further in the past, maybe you will be able to change the world by explaining to people the answer to that most absurd of questions.
Today is Thursday, the 14th of December, 2017. You have navigated so much this year. I don't know what next year may bring, but I am 100% certain that whatever it is, you've got this!
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBeari dont have anything else to add to what the others have said. you ARE and amzing woman, ive known you near on since the start and you have come such a long way. many hurdles have ben leapt and landed safely on the other side even though it was rough you still got through.
big hugs to you and LF. i love your masterpiece! is this the second one youve made? i think your other one was more yellow and orange if i remember right....
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Can’t really find the words ..... so here’s some pictures @CheerBear ....
Only one person has ever said to me, “if it’s that bad, why don’t you leave ?” ..... and that was a doctor .... 😔
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Huge thank you all.
That big ball of emotions rolled into the school gates where I was instantly flooded with more feelings and instead of answering "ok thanks" to "how are you?" from school mums, I answered in a way that took me by surprise as it was like a 10 second blurt out of everything and I couldn't stop it. It kind of went like "the kids and I were in refuge last year and we lost almost everyone and that's why they need to be in a bubble and I am sorry if I have been a bit of an Ice Queen this year because I'm not really it's that I am really sad often and I hope I can get to know you all better next year".
It was met with mouths open and a lot of "we had no idea", then random hugs (and big ugly tears) and more phone number exchanging with some invitations to get to know each other better over the holidays. It felt scary and it made me really miss my people but it also felt good inside and was probably a big step towards building a new village. It's confusing and jumbly.
The little fish and I then spent a couple of hours outside together listening to music and chatting, right where we were this time last year, but today we had a giant trampoline with us and some snow peas we've planted and that have grown, and a Mouse and Noodle cat inside waiting for us and a table to eat dinner on. After dinner the Wi-Fi went down and they lost it because it was like their world had ended, which is good because it shows they're still perfectly normal after all of it too 😉
It means so much to be so heard and feel so felt here. Hiding is really quiet and it really hurts and it's so helpful to not have to hide here. I really appreciate your words and listening eyes @Catcakes, @Former-Member, @Sans911, @Phoenix_Rising, @outlander and @Faith-and-Hope as well as those who have been here under a like button.
I'm still really emotional and that is ok with me but it means I am going to sit quietly tonight and maybe work on the next part of my blanket journey while having some serious thinking back time.
It will get better from here - I can feel it.
Big thanks again ☺
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
MazaritaSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear, such a big day for you. So wonderful that you have two of these beautiful blankets, made with such emotion, heirlooms, creations of beauty. It probably was a big step towards building your village, your emotions at the school that were greeted with hugs and phone numbers. Sounds like that school is good earth for you. Onwards and upwards, as you so clearly do.
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