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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

We’ve had storms here this morning too, @CheerBear (very loud but rather half-baked) and I’ve got the windows open to let the breeze in … the temperature is creeping up though. I miss cool changes. I miss winter. 🙁

Sorry to hear about the heavy heart feels. 🙁 Perhaps even sorrier to hear about the need for grocery shopping … one of the worst tasks ever. When we find that wand we will never have to shop (for anything) ever again.

I have no real plans today. I’ve written a very dull ‘to do’ list and am very slowly working through it. One of the things on the list is ‘shower’, which I’ve put off so far this morning far because of breeze letting in. I’ll close the windows soon and get to it. I’ve got some emails to send, after I make some decisions (I’ve made two more appointments with my psychologist before Christmas but I really don’t think I can make the trip down there again in the heat. I can possibly do them by phone, but that idea makes me soooo anxious. What I wouldn’t give for a functional brain—of course then I wouldn’t need psych appointments).

Anyway, I hope your heart feels lighter soon and that the LF are extra awesome to you today. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

The photo is beautiful thank you @Former-Member 😊 I had this one to share in the nest today

We are missing all the good bits of storms here at the moment as they are passing close by but around us (as the sky lit up to be a purpley colour as I typed that). It is much cooler today which is nice. Supposed to get warmer which means humidity + but for now it is ok. I'm glad you have a bit of a cool breeze and hope that feels good (and sticks around).

Ugh to the supermarket (shops in general). I was thinking of adding a mental health sensitive supermarket chain to my list of changing the world things to do with eleventy billion dollars. No crowds. No price changes. No re-organising the layout or shelves. No running out of stock. Every single one exactly the same. Always affordable. Etc. I think it's a winner 😉

Catch 22 re your psych. Needing appointments to help make your brain functional but having a brain that doesn't function easily enough to get there. Hearing you.

I had my psych appointment on Friday and it was really good. Lots of positives including some fun discussions about DBT skills and a conversation about the importance of listening to "difficult clients" (me) from psych. It felt really heart good. We chatted about where to from here and how to get to "fixing" my broken brain. We spoke about lots of different things and how psych feels that it would be helpful for me to process what happened via exposure therapy/EMDR etc. which I have my own beliefs about. They then said that they thought I am a long way off being able to talk about things in that way. Like 5+ years off (if ever) :face_with_rolling_eyes:. The point of my long winded story I guess, is that mashed brains are hard and living with them is very tricky sometimes. We're doing it though, even if it isn't the way we would like to.

I better get to my dull to-do list also. Probably starting with shower too. Little shops it is today. Can't do big shops plus three today.

Hope you check off your list as much as you need/feels good to. Thanks for checking in bookish. It means lots.

🌸

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That photo made me laugh, @CheerBear. First I thought ‘Awww, that’s cute’ … then the sofa bit clicked and I laughed at the funny and at my slowness. 😊

I hope your day went okay and that you made it to the little shops and got what you needed quickly and easily. I’m not sure how you do big shops plus three ever. You’re amazing. 🌷 Oh and I LOVE your mental health sensitive supermarket chain and every single thing on that list. That would be such a great way to spend part of your eleventy billion dollars. 🛒 🌷

I emailed my psychologist and asked her if we could do the two appointments by phone. I realised that if I cancel those appointments, I won’t have any real-world contact with anyone until the new year and I’m sure that’s not ideal. (I don’t do helplines so I would be totally, completely without real-world support.) My SF is away now until January and although she told me someone would be filling in for her (and although I was reluctant to see someone new, I hadn’t voiced that to her) apparently there is no one filling in. Right. But maybe that’s just for me. It really is hard to believe that people care or that I matter. I struggle to understand help that isn’t really help. And it shouldn’t matter but sometimes it really does. 😕

I’m glad you had a good appointment on Friday. I shuddered when I read exposure therapy/EMDR (even though I have heard great things about EMDR, it still scares me). Really mashed brains take a long time to even get ready to start fixing. 🙁 That makes me sad. But you’re right—we are doing the very tricky living with a mashed brain thing. So hard. 🙁

I hope you and the LF have a good evening and that it is coolish there. (I am sitting in the not so cool breeze of my fan.) Only six more months until winter. 🌧

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

So tired tonight after a small handful felt like a really big one for the last few hours :face_with_rolling_eyes: But almost there now.

@Former-Member - has it cooled down for you? It has here enough for me to have a cup of tea.

As scary/yuck as it might be to have those appointments over the phone, I think it's so brave and so good to hear you thought it through (which I have no doubt you would have anyway). I feel sad thinking that you wouldn't have any real world support until Jan. I am not sure if you've mentioned what Decembers are like for you (and sorry if you have and I have forgotten), but they seem to be tricky for so many and I'm guessing they are for you also. No support throughout December is tough. I have difficulty with just the couple of weeks where the world seems to pause.

I also feel really angry that your SF said someone would fill in but they won't. That's some of the type of stuff that makes my brain go bang. So much dislike to that 😞 It does matter because you matter. Grrrr.

Both of the exposure and EMDR scare me to the point where I probably can't see it being a thing for me, but I do want to make sure I am keeping my my open enough for maybe something that can really help. It got me because of the comment about not being ready, really. Though secretly I heard it and had a "challenge accepted" kind of moment 🐐😉

I'll count down until winter with you, though the winter weather hurts me badly here too (maybe more and I do have to keep that in mind while I complaining in summer). I think 25-30, sunshine, slight breeze, no humidity is right for me (not fussy) haha.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi Everyone,

I'll just leave this little fellow here. He makes me feel better.

Hope everyone is well. Sending my dinosaur support.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Evening, @CheerBear.

My psychologist told me the other week that her new love is Emotion-Focussed Therapy, then quickly said ‘but it’s definitely not for you bookish because it’s all focussed on the body.’ I shuddered even though she was telling me it wasn’t for me. Exposure therapy and EMDR = big shudder. I so love your 🐐 moment though and totally get it. 😊

The thing that scares me with any sort of intensive ‘really doing the hard work and digging deep in there’ therapy is that a) things are definitely going to get worse before they get better, b) I have enough trouble keeping myself safe now so how will I ever manage at that point, and c) how do I do it with a total lack of support network/safety net? Anyway, not talking about all that now.

Thank you for validating my grrr feelings around being told one thing and then the opposite happening. This is the stuff that messes with me the most. It’s easier to have no supports than to have unhelpful helping people messing things up and changing things and saying one thing and then doing another (or nothing at all). Grrr. Big grrr.

I’m glad you got down to cup-of-tea degrees. We’ve had (are still having) a big storm here and almost 15mm of rain in the last hour or so. It has cooled down about 7 degrees in that time, but still in the 20s (granted better than 30s) and soooooo muggy. We don’t have to count down to winter. I wish I could take your freezing cold winter and swap it with my stinky-hot summer … and maybe do a bit of mooshing around with it all so that you get 25-30, sunshine, slight breeze, no humidity and I get nothing over 19, mostly overcast with some rain. Surely that’s doable, right? 😁

I hope you get some decent sleep tonight, @CheerBear. Sorry the afternoon/evening had its mean pants on. 🙁 🌷


Can’t wait to see the picture, @Former-Member. I hope your day has been a good (or at least okay) one. 🌷

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member thank you for the heart feels and for making me smile as I log out for the night. You know how I said I was sad just before? I am big time huge sad and feel so stuck so alone with it. Smiling helps.

Your photo has made me smile without even having to see it @Former-Member. Your dinosaur support is fab.

Night

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Awww, your dinosaur support just gave me giant heart feels, @Former-Member. Thanks for sharing him. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Morning to all in the nest.

Everything is so super hard. Help is so elusive and the process of seeking it and it not being there (or being shut down or ignored or shamed) does so much more harm than good. Being here makes things so much harder, while also providing really lovely moments of connection. Everything in my head has always been a conflict, a constant battle of this versus that … but when that starts happening with everything outside my head … I don’t know how to stay afloat.

@Phoenix_Rising, @CheerBear, @Zoe7 and all the other kind souls here, I really hope today is easier for you all. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I hear you @Former-Member.

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