I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest 😊

I had a pretty huge afternoon yesterday and was feeling all kinds of things last night. I almost always feel better in the morning (I realise I say this all the time now too) so now I can write the post I wanted to but couldn't type. It's an essay (sorry in advance) and there's no need to read or reply, but it's one I want to share.

I hit the point yesterday where I knew I really couldn't tolerate this housing stuff anymore. I had a huge increase in symptoms that make life hard, including panic, vivid nightmares, wonky sleep, trouble making sense of anything, lots of shaking and chest pain, feeling like I was on guard all the time, scary "I can't breathe" wake ups at night, and very dark and twisty thoughts. They coincided with a bunch of circumstances happening that have been so confusing and hard to manage. The last one and maybe my tipping point, was hearing that funding I had earlier been told I could access to actually move that I needed and couldn't have moved without, wasn't there and maybe never was. Even if I could have found and secured another house, I couldn't have gotten to it anyway. When my mental health worker came over with some fix-it options (which almost always help me), I took a big breath and said that I couldn't do it anymore and it felt like my survival depended on this coming to an end asap, which was really scary.

Then I made a really hard decision and phone call to ask some very unsupportive support, to support me to get this house in my name and sign a lease here. It all happened so fast. The owner jumped at the opportunity to keep us here, which makes sense because I am a really good tenant (despite paperwork applications not saying so) and I think he knows I will stay quiet and not ask for anything now too. Following the house inspection last week, the real estate also jumped at it. And the 'nothing ever happens even though we say it will' housing organisations seemed to be able to make it happen really quickly (I'm tipping that's because I have been a big pain for them and now they can walk away, which is exciting for me too).

I still have some hurdles to get through, including submitting the same application form that has been repeatedly knocked back by others, to live in the house we've been in and looked after this whole year before a lease will be offered. I was hit with something about needing to pay the first month rent that the missing housing organisation put up for us all that time ago, but failed to mention or say anything about until now. And there are processes to go through (processes and I don't tend to gel well). But I know I can find a way to do those things because I need to ☺

It isn't exactly ideal and I don't do 'sit quietly and suffer in silence' particularly well, epsecially given I know what's happened here has been and is so not ok in lots of ways. The way this has played out has definitely further mashed my already mashed enough brain. I really wanted to keep fighting this but I can't right now. I will definitely not give up, but I need to stop now so I can keep going. Fighting this stuff is what I do best whereas stopping is not, so this is really hard. I learnt my lesson about needing to stop and pause sometimes, earlier in the year and I haven't forgotten it.

There's lots of not ok here, but there's great too. The area isn't great, but nowhere here is and staying here is a choice I made for the school (plus the house is barred up like a prison so it's safe in that respect). We shouldn't have been housed here in the first place, but we were and we found the good so now we have to keep it. The maintainence issues really suck, but maybe won't be as hard to live with in warmer weather. I can make apricot something (jam maybe haha) with apricots from the most awesome apricot tree, and grow tomatoes in the very cool garden. We can walk and ride to school every day. The fish can keep their trampoline and still decorate the concrete in chalk drawings, and Noodle and Mouse are welcome here. I can build up my rental record as being a good stable tenant again, which was something that was blown up and destroyed so painfully and unfairly in the big bang. I can sit under my favourite trees until I get strong enough to get us out of here and on to better things - the things we do deserve. And I won't have to pack any boxes 😆

@Phoenix_Rising I think this is choosing to "tolerate the problem" and "feel better about the problem" after "problem solving" stopped working (what awesome practice for using skills this will give 😉) @Mazarita I think this is playing the horrible housing game I know you understand too, @Teej I think this is swapping good for bad and bad for good and @Faith-and-Hope this is parking it up for now yeah? Provided the world doesn't end, I think we have a house @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @Maggie, @Shaz51, @Appleblossom and a huge crew of awesome cheer squad (which for lots of reasons I won't tag all of but I feel so thankful for) who I think will understand my painful need to do this. This is the right choice for right now, and it feels bittersweet but like such a huge relief ☺

It's a wonky house, but it's going to be a place to call home for our little team and that's worth celebrating 🏡💗☈🌈🎉

Thanks for reading 😊