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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Me too @CheerBear .... ♥️

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hope everything goes well for you today @CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Just a friendly reminder that you are not alone today. I hope you have something extra superly duperly fun planned for "us" to do after your icky appointment.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBearpassing by to say best of luck today and hope all goes well. Will be thinking of you today, big hugs ❣❣❣❣

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

♥️ @CheerBear .....

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thinking of you, @CheerBear. 🌷

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thinking of you too @CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I have to go out but I've prepared a coffee for you when you return also a song which you might like to listen to, or you might not, whatever is best for you.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi in the nest. Thank you heaps for the messages.

This morning I got on a train (and then another train and then a bus and then went for a walk) after not spending the night planning my journey to allow for every single worst case scenario or possible curveball to come my way. Usually I would leave for something like this way, way too early, have a bunch of different options for routes, know exactly where I was going, what I would do if x,y or z (or letters of the alphabet that don't even exist) happened etc. This time I downloaded my planned journey from a website and followed it. And the world did not end 😉

I had a few "moments" in the clinic this morning, and some (a lot of) push-pulling when I stood my ground over things that might seem nothings to others but are definitely somethings to me. My care factor about how I appeared because of this, was zero today. I just do not care anymore. If I am fiesty snowflake, then so be it. I will own that if it gets me what I need. It's worth the struggle for the empowering feeling/belief/knowledge that this is my body and my life and it's my choice. Full freaking stop.

As for the outcome of today, over the last little while, I have tried to come up with a way forward with this that feels right for me. At my last appointment I was given an option A and an option B. Neither of those felt at all ok or right for me and I fell into a huge pit of "this is all too hard and too much". So I found an option C which is to undo what has been done surgically and to take my body back to 'normal'. My normal isn't great but it's better than this and I can live with that. So that's what I asked for today, fought for (as it doesn't sit at all well with "fix it even if we break it more/break something else in the process" surgeons), and then I got. I'm on a list to have a less than major but not really minor operation which will be one of so many that I genuinely can't remember how many there have been, but hopefully the last for a good while now. This feels right and that makes it right for me.

I took a nest on my phone, a pocket full of pocket crew, a magic invisible wand, some virtual coffee to start my day (and am having another now), a shelf of "worry about that another time" boxes, an audible book that felt so good, a new message in ink that reminded me to let go of the painful need of mine to try to make sense of every single nonsensical thing that happens in my life, and the power of inappropriate giggling (laugh-crying). All of it helped heaps.

Back to breathing again - that's a really good thing. Thanks @Pepsimax, @Phoenix_Rising, @Former-Member, @Maggie, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope, @TheVorticon and @Former-Member for stopping past. I felt you all here and not feeling as alone through this is so incredibly helpful.

I'm going to spend the next couple of hours listening to my book and finding my calm and then I'll get on with living my abnormal normal life as normally as I do 🙂

Ps - Maggie, I reached for my phone and have just listened to it on my walk from the hospital to the bus. Just perfect, thank you.

Hope today is going ok enough for all ☺
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