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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I've put myself in grown up time out to sneak in a nest escape moment as I've had a tough day today. One of the littles has had a particularly hard time over the last week/couple of weeks and it has escalated to the point that I needed to ask for some support/guidance/advice/something/anything. Reaching out with parenting stuff is hard for me as I worry that it means I am failing them, even though I know that it doesn't at all. I feel guilty thinking that I am doing something wrong, even though, again I know that isn't the case as I really am doing the best I can with what I have and my best is ok. I'm struggling with boundaries with two in particular, and they're at the age where boundary testing is a huge part of normal kid life. But with the complex dynamics of our little family and a mum who is on her own to enforce them, boundary testing leads to disagreements that I am outnumbered on, pushes buttons that hit me where it hurts, and requires energy I sometimes lack.

I'm glad I spoke with this person, as they've helped to come up with a plan for the little and have offered to support me to enforce the boundaries/rules we need here. I feel a bit less totally on my own knowing that the school is with me and really willing to help us work through things. On top of that, the person I spoke with has contacts in housing support services and is going to make some enquiries to see whether there's anything else around to work through the housing mess if this one falls through.

It's been a productive but draining day today. I'm watching the two boundary testers who spent the afternoon big time struggling, running under a sprinkler with icy poles and happy again. It makes me feel like things will be ok as I see that while it can turn upside down very quickly, equally it can turn again the other way and all is well. I also feel a little less miserable about still having to deal with housing stuff tonight as I know that being here with that school in our life, was a very good decision. I'd be lost right now without it.

Better get back to it. Only a couple of hours until bed time (and a high five to myself for getting through a really hard afternoon with them). Gee I like living on a planet with only 24 hours in a day 😉

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear, I am sad to hear that puffer fish, clown fish and big are struggling at the moment. They are superly duperly lucky to have such an awesome mum. Yay for getting through a tricky afternoon and double yay for not living on Venus!!!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I got teary reading that, thank you @Phoenix_Rising 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

congrats on becoming CG! @CheerBear 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @outlander 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member really missing you. Thinking of you often and here for you whenever you're ready. I hope your snuggle gown is cosy and your cuppas have been good

Good night

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear 👋💜

Sorry you had a tough day and sorry that I wasn't here for you.

Wanted to leave you a strong coffee for your morning. ☕

Thankyou for showing that you care, it means alot to me.

I finally went to kmart and bought a sloth. 😀

Nighty night. 😴

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member .... 🤗💕

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I loved waking up to find this message waiting here @Former-Member, thank you 😘 I slept with my sloth Sid last night 🐛🐜🐝💗🍰☕

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning to all in the nest.

I super love that you bought a sloth @Former-Member. Hey...do you want to know a secret? For some reason, when I saw the picture of the baby sloth that @Faith-and-Hope posted, it immediately made me think of all the baby moderators trying to find their way around Forum Land.

I hope today is a brighter day for you @CheerBear. It really is super cool that we don't live on Venus isn't it. Imagine having to wait 5832 hours to begin a new day!!!

I feel a bit like I have been squished by a bus this morning. My turtle whisperer and I spent our whole session talking about my notably significant communication issues. It is SO GOOD to have someone willing to have a frank conversation about it rather than just trying to do the positive reframing stuff. We talked about how a big part of why I'm in such a pickle at 40 years old is because whenever I've tried to talk about the fact that I annoy everybody and people find me difficult to be around etc. I just get the cliche positive reframes - e.g. "you just haven't met the right people yet" or "if people don't like you, that's their problem." It was super helpful to hear my turtle whisperer acknowledge that yes, I do come across as argumentative, even though she knows I don't mean to and that really I'm just trying to work out what the heck people are saying!!!!

So...it was super good in that way, but then we got onto the "and this isn't going to ever be fixed" bit. We talked about how it will be more about learning to cope with the frustration of not being able to make myself heard and understood. At one point we talked about how if the situation is occurring over the phone, I could tell the person I will need to call them back, go and dump out the big feelings by screaming into my pillow etc. and then call back. But then I asked my turtle whisperer "and then what? The person isn't going to have magically learnt how to speak turtle in those intervening minutes and if I call back, the situation will just be repeated." Turtle whisperer didn't have an answer for that one and methinks the reason is that there isn't actually an answer. The cold hard reality is that for me "reaching out for support" to anyone who doesn't know me is extremely likely to escalate rather than settle a situation. I am so very VERY grateful for the SANE helpline...even if I have to practice being patient for a little while, while the baby moderators grow into grown up moderators.

I hope today is a super nice day for everyone. I am still plodding through my marking gig so I need to keep working at not playing in Forum Land too much during the day.

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