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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Fluffy is beautiful @Former-Member 💗 Mouse snuggled under my blanket last night with just her head poking out from the cover which was resting near my chin. She reminded me of Falkor from the Never Ending Story with that beautiful resting smile. Noodle is awesome but in the total opposite way.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Yes, school tomorrow @CheerBear
Sort of watching Doc Martin.
Didn't achieve much staying home, but no energy to push myself out.
I guess making apple pie is something.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member I hear you. Christmas used to be a superly duperly tricky time for me, but it isn't anymore. This Christmas will be the twentieth one that I've spent alone. I've got the hang of it now. I've made my own traditions and I can honestly say I enjoy the day. I like to think that I've created family Christmas traditions...without the family bit.

@CheerBear I feel superly duperly warm and fuzzy and snuggly thinking about how much we have in common. That is AMAZING that you enjoy the eve of the eve of Christmas eve. Oh I so super wish I could hang out with you and your LF.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Making apple pie is definitely a something @Former-Member 😄

@Phoenix_Rising - I do too. I have big warm fuzzies at lots that you say/do that I do too. I think us plus the fish spending time together would be so great 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Sorry, have to go for now.
Not feeling good at all.
@CheerBear @Phoenix_Rising
💜🌹🌼🌸

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm sorry you're not feeling good @Former-Member 😞

I think your apple pie really helped perk me up tonight, thank you for that.

🐞🐜🐛💓💛

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I hope you were able to get to sleep @CheerBear 💕

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It's today. It's been stuck in my head as a day not a date, for a whole year now. The date is how it is written but that was written by others and it isn't what matters to me, it is the day that matters. It was a moment on a Tuesday afternoon when I knew it was all over. It helped so much to know it was ok that the dates/day thing was a thing (thank you Teej).

Something this week has taught me is to expect the unexpected when it comes to dates/days and trauma. I am feeling very much ok this morning and that's not what I expected. I feel proud and relieved that I am here, and really strong as I think about what I actually lived through. I didn't expect these feelings today. Maybe it helped to have melted last night and felt all those big things then. I get that this ok-ness might change as the day goes on but for now I am feeling it and I wanted to share.

There's lots I wish I could say here. I did it in a very CheerBear way and it makes me laugh to think back about what that actually meant (I don't think I need to say what that actually meant here). Today is time out day too and that means I have today to think about it and I've made an appointment with my counsellor to talk about it. I thought I'd be talking to her about how to actually get through this, but I think I've already done that. Now I am thinking I'll talk to her (again) about how there were lollies, and too much maccas, and drawing, and missions and adventures and music. There's a song I won't forget that Big loved and had on repeat for days. They made a dance to go with it over the next bit and they still dance to it now. I might listen to that song while I head off on an adventure today.

I did it. We did it 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Happy Wednesday eve, 2017 @CheerBear. Yep, you did it. You and your LF did it. You're awesome. 😊

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

💗 @CheerBear ......

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