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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
I'm just checking in to remind you I am here. Even when I'm not here, I am here...it's a bit like Schrodinger's cat.
I plan to shut the laptop super soon, but I'm still right here.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Phoenix_Rising - I never got my head around Schrodinger's cat. That's way too tricky for my brain. I am tipping you're not surprised by that, as I am not surprised you used it haha.
I felt you here today, and am there with you too, even when I am not.
I found the most beautiful books today about fish and oceans. They're called "You be You" and "Only One You". There was a tiny turtle in my pocket while my little fish and I read them together 🙂
Hope you enjoyed Super Sunny Sydney and that you sleep well tonight!
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hey again @Former-Member. Finally the right moment to reply to you. I can relate to much of what you spoke of. I have this almost push-pull thing that I struggle with, as I have been hurt badly and can be very 'vigilant' but I think I also really want to believe that people generally mean well and are 'good'. It's kind of like the idealistic side of me wants to believe in rainbows and sunshine in everyone, but the realistic side of me knows inside some are storms and that can be seriously confusing. I know that my internal alert/danger radar can sometimes work in overdrive as I have been hurt. One of the biggest pains for me is not so much that people have hurt me, but that some of the biggest and most shattering hurts have happened when I have ignored my radar, palming it off as being in overdrive. It's like a double whammy then, as I lose trust in people but also lose trust in myself. This is kind of how I experience what you were saying about feeling confused but pushing through because intellectually you think it's what you should do, then feeling that devastation when evidence shows your gut feelings to have been right all along.
My counsellor and I were having a chat about this only yesterday, as thinking and feeling as if every thing and everyone has the potential to completely destroy me, is not how I want to live (hence my current crisis requiring catt intervention). It's overwhelming, exhausting, soul destroying, body/mind hurting stuff. I'm sure many of us here get this one. We spoke about what 'being cautious' around people might feel and look like to me (like what am I seeing and noticing, what sensations am I feeling) and how that might differ from the moment when I know for sure that someone/something is actually dangerous. I said the latter feels like when I notice a spider. It's a full body jolt/shock experience. We named it something kind of silly but accurate. I guess my aim is to work on turning down that danger radar to a liveable level, and trusting that feeling when it hits me. I'm probably just rambling now sorry, but I thought it was kind of relevant.
As far as being here goes, this is a same but different kind of experience. It is much 'safer' in that no-one can actually 'get me' to an extent that my entire life can change in a moment like it has in the outside of here world, but there is definitely a degree of danger that comes in the form of the emotional impact of being here. While beyond this screen I can use visual and auditory cues and environmental factors to 'sense danger', here I rely solely on words and instinct. With words and the way words are used and interpreted being so unique to each of us, there's going to be heightened potential for misunderstandings to occur. In my case, as I am certain is the case for many here, add the extra difficulty of a danger alert system in overdrive, plus the self-doubt that can creep in from not trusting the danger system, and the varying degrees of sensitivity and vulnerability that exist in a diverse group of people, and it can spiral into something very tricky to work through. Experience here is what might be really helpful, as with time and experience it may become easier to work out what's happening as it unfolds, and work through the trickiness if/when it occurs.
The asbestos experience sounds horrible. That would have stung me too and quite possibly, depending on my headspace and what was happening for me at the time, seen me fly off or snap back.
Hope you haven't fallen asleep reading yet Seuss and hope that has kind of made some sense. Thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts 🙂
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Where's the real life nest? I want to lie in it.
In the life outside of the nest I am deciding between tackling a never ending battle with housework and washing that I swear I did yesterday but have no idea how it has come back so badly already, reading a new book I borrowed but know I don't have the concentration to stick out the first two pages so I wonder why I picked it up in the first place, working on the blanket I started but am unsure whether I like the colours enough to continue and I'm disappointed I didn't give it more thought to start with, or mucking around in the garden which I know will look great if I do but will only last that way until the next time there's wind and the leaves fall everywhere or rain and the weeds take over again. I watch one little use red lipstick to turn another little into a vampire and just hope they don't get any on the lounge, not because I care so much about having a perfectly stain free lounge, but because I know red lipstick will create a never ending trail of impossible to clean destruction that will spill onto favourite tops and stuffed animals and then the vampire fun won't be so fun for anyone anymore. I don't tell them it's not the world's best idea because I don't want to interrupt their moment of bonding and playing. The sky here is very grey and I know it would be good to get out and about but I'm not sure where to go and what to do in this weather, or whether I even have the energy to get through a trip out that no-one really seems to want to do anyway. I am living a life where the few other people I have left in my circle of non-helping people either have no idea of the depth of my struggles, are sick of my struggles, are finding it too hard to face, or have their own things happening. So I pretend I am ok when I speak to them and it's causing a huge separation between us, as I no longer feel I am able to be me. I know if I take this break they will need to know as they're the ones who will help with the practical stuff, but I don't know if I have it in me to willingly dive into that whirlpool. I am well and truly stuck here.
At least inside the nest it would be ok that the colour inside my head matches the colour of the sky today. There would be no need to find the off switch for it so I can wear the hat that I need to, that I am so incredibly thankful for needing to have, but that feels so incredibly draining sometimes as I wear it not for me but for others.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Good morning @CheerBear,
It sounds like you are in quite a muddle about what to do today. After contemplating this puzzle with my infinite wisdom and awesomeness, I declare that the right thing to do is...um...er...nope, I've got nothing. {Plonks down beside CheerBear to simply be}.
Ps. It is super sunny here in Sydney. I wish I could send some of this sunshine your way.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
{Sticks head out of @CheerBear's pocket}. Peek-a-boo! I just wanted to remind you that I'm here even when I'm not here. I'm going to jump off the computer now. It is a beautiful sunny day here. I'm going to lie in the sun for a while and then play my violin. I get the sense that you might be feeling a bit all-at-sea at the moment. This nest you have built is superly duperly snuggly and safe and can definitely withstand a bit of stormy weather, CheerBear. If you don't know what to do, just snuggle and simply be. I'm right here.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thank you for that reminder @Phoenix_Rising. Your ability to get it is very reassuring. Enjoy the sun and your violin. I'm putting a super overactive alert system into something constructive and I'm going to mow now vampire face has passed. With a safe nest to retreat to in my pocket as I want 🙂
In response to: I'm in a nest
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear ❤ ❤ i would love a real life nest too Mind if i plonk down well actually gently sit down on the other side of you ? And just BE with you snd phoenix_rising I know its hard but your doing the best you can and thats what matters ❤❤❤
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