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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
I woke really early again with nightmares. I had Noodle with me and he must have known something wasn't quite right because he was standing over me as soon as I woke. He's so funny. The other cats I have had have either been the type to do their own thing completely or snuggle in really close when I need them. Noodle seems to want to help but is so much of a clown that he doesn't quite get it right and his version of 'comfort' is 'smash into her head and roll all over her face never sitting still'. It was nice to have him there and patting him calmed me enough to go back to sleep for a little while.
I've written a dot point list of what I want to say at this interview today. To have gotten that far is a big step as even trying to do this has been too triggering and I haven't been able to finish it until now. So much of my issues with the post big bang mess has been the constant message that it is much safer for me to shut up, suck it up and stay quiet. I have an opportunity today to speak up and I want to take it. It seems really important to do. I'll take some tissues with TT in my handbag, and remember to breathe and feel my feet on the ground, and hope it's not too hard, knowing there's a safe landing spot in a nest if I need it.
The c-link and housing stuff will do it's thing and there's not much I can do other than ride them out too.
I feel really shaky but will remember that really shaky doesn't always mean I will tip over into can't cope anymore, and I'll take today hour by hour, or minute by minute if I have to.
@Former-Member - I have made forum breakfast cake and will leave it here for you. I am sorry you're feeling so alone. @Phoenix_Rising lives in my handbag, blanket and pocket, @Mazarita in the morning sky, and you on my kitchen window sill in the vase of succulents. I think of you often when I pass them. I know you're not a big talker here, but I want to listen if you ever want to share. And am happy just sitting next to you if you don't.
Hope today is a good one for everyone. Good is the wrong word but I don't have another one to fit.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thinking of you @CheerBear💜🤗💐
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Teej - thank you 💗 I wrote you in to that last post and then deleted it as I'm mindful of giving you space while you find your feet again. Now I wish I had kept it in. You live in the pot of purple flowers I have by my favourite outside coffee spot, the one that the butterfly landed on and I took a photo of to show you. Right now they're not looking so good as winter has been long and dark. It looks a bit like a bunch of sticks, but there are enough green leaves hanging on to give me hope that when the days are brighter the flowers will come back too and I'm looking forward to seeing them brighter and stronger soon (oh there are some metaphors in this one!). Big hugs Teej 💛
In response to: I'm in a nest
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Love the metaphors 😉@CheerBear. I'm feeling a bit shell shocked to know what to write just yet but really wanted to wish you good luck.
I've managed zero sleep last night so me thinks I'll be practicing my zombie look with droopy black eyes today. My therapist is in for a treat of dribble this morning. Luckily she knows me well and waits to see what walks through her office door each week...... it's a bit Forrest Gump like really. Anyway I hope you get through ok. I'll be thinking of you and crossing fingers for you. 💜🤗💐
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
oh gosh @CheerBear - such a lot going on. You are walking through it all, which means that you're going to get past it at some point... and best part of thta is that you're looking after yourself, as hard as it is! Glad you have your nest here to retreat to. You've reminded me I need to do some physical health stufff as well sigh. Take care today
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Wishing you well for you your appointment today @Teej. I think you'd rock the zombie look 😉 I'm going with the extra tall hair, tall boots and trying be "outside tough' look, in the hope that it will help me feel tougher on the inside today.
Thanks @Former-Member. I really like the idea that in walking through it all, there will come a time when it has passed. Good luck with your physical health stuff. Big ugh and sigh for that one, but also important as I'm guessing you believe too. Hope you and your littles have a good week.
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