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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear, @Phoenix_Rising, @Shaz51, @Former-Member and other nesters, hope today has treated you well.

CB, I am so glad to hear your phone call with your MH worker went well and that you felt positive about the outcome after pre-call anxiety. How are your med changes going? Are you still feeling rocky from that process? It would be understandable if you are. Med changes can really throw out our feelings and thoughts, I find. Sounds like a good plan with talking to your psychologist about the aftermath of last session, and whether this may be due to the CBT work you are doing, and what changes might be made to create a more positive outcome with therapy. It's great that you have about three weeks to process your thinking on this.

It's been a recovery day for me today after such a busy week by my standards. Haven't got out of my dressing gown and slippers. In and out of bed and sleeping most of the day. Feeling okay about taking this depressuring day. I seemed to need it and it has not been accompanied by a lot of anxiety and depression, as often happens on days like today. In between sleeps I've been making arrangements to see a new psychologist, the first I've seen for over a year. I've written about this here. I am very curious to know if anyone has knowledge or experience of Emotion Focussed Therapy. This is a key technique the new psychologist uses, as well as the more familiar CBT and ACT.

Hoping to catch up for some hijinx with everyone at Friday Feast tonight.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh no @Former-Member - you definitely didn't need a worse day than you've been having lately 😞 Have you got any plans for the weekend?

I'm doing ok tonight thanks. I have had a bit of a struggle couple of days/few days/week (who knows really, it kind of all seems to mash together sometimes) but am feeling a bit better this evening 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear 😞

It definitely isn't needed - I suddenly feel like everything is falling apart and things progressively are falling deeper into a hole. No plans for the weekend - do you have any?

I am sorry to hear recently you have been struggling 😞 but so so glad to also hear you are feeling better this evening. You need a little break from the ickiness.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Mazarita - the physical side effects seem to have gone which is great. The teariness and blues have hit with force and maybe that is a bit of a medication come down crash. It's also been a challenging and confronting week though so there are other things happening, plus I'm super hormonal and almost always feel teary when I'm like this. Meds are so hard to figure out 😕

Recovery days can be so good! I'm in my dressing gown and slippers at the moment and can understand how nice they feel sometimes! How are you feeling about seeing a new psychologist? I'll check out your thread now 🙂

@Former-Member thanks. I think lots of us could benefit from a break from the ugh at the moment. 😞 That's really tough feeling like that . Did you speak to your counsellor today?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear

I will be communicating to her online on Monday -- just trying to not have too high of expectations 😞 I don't want to be let down again. Can't wait much longer though!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening @Shaz51 @Mazarita @Former-Member @CheerBear and anyone else hanging out in the nest. I'm doing a quick fly-by before I wander over to Friday Feast - I hope to see you all there!

@Former-Member I'm sorry to hear you have had such an awful day. I super hope the weekend is more peaceful for you.

@Mazarita a rest day sounds very nice and a great bit of self care. I don't know very much at all about EFT, but from the tiny bit I do know, it sounds like a really good approach. I know that it draws on attachment theory quite a bit and given that attachment theory is one of my "special interests," I kind-of like the idea of any therapeutic approach that draws on it.

@CheerBear It sounds like you are in the process of figuring out what does and doesn't work for you. CBT has been the "in" thing in psychology for the past couple of decades and it bugs me that a lot of psychologists never seem to get around to adding other tools into their tool kit, although gradually the "third wave cognitive behaviour therapies" (e.g. DBT, ACT) have started to become more common. However, trying to find anyone that sees things the way Bessel Van der Kolk does, seems to be a super challenge!

I super super super love that you are working on a psychiatrist for me.

I'm super glad your meeting with your MH worker went well. By the way, just out of curiosity, do you know what her formal qualification is? One of my oh-so-many ideas is that I might do the Cert IV in mental health.

Do you want to know something funny @CheerBear? When you said "I got the email tag while I was running between things" I got a super funny picture in my brain of you running between two poles and I was thinking that that was a very odd thing for you to be doing. It took me a moment to process "Phoenix_Rising, think, CheerBear is speaking metaphorically here."

Anyway, I am off to Friday Feast. I super hope to see you all there.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I am over there @Phoenix_Rising having a elmo cupcake xx

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member - Monday isn't too far away, but I understand how much a weekend can feel like a year when you're big time struggling. I hope you can can find things that feel good for you to do this weekend. Forumland is a great place to hang out in between waiting for supports to kick in!

@Phoenix_Rising - I meant to ask her what her qualifications were. I have a gut feeling it will be a psych degree. I'm glad we worked through the whole "you lead me into a trap when you told me I could speak about suicide and then you called triage on me and now I am never ever ever speaking to you or anyone ever again" thing!

You want to know something funny about the running in between 'things', thing? I got your email while crossing a busy shopping centre car park road, with headphones on, in between two cars. It was also between my group and my appointment so I spoke both literally and metaphorically, and have learnt how not ok it is to be playing on my phone with headphones on while walking across a road!

Catch you at FF, even if it is quietly because I am kind of still hiding under my blanket 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Just dropping by to make sure you are all snuggled up nice and safe in your nest with your fluffy pink blanket @CheerBear

Sleep well @CheerBear

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

You remembered to bring me home! I feel huge warm fuzzies thanks @Former-Member 💗

Hope you have a great weekend.

Goodnight 🙂
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