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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

OH @CheerBear that sounds extremely tough. Is there anyway LF can 'step outside the bubble' whilst you remain inside the bubble?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Not really @Zoe7 😞 We are a full team so if one steps out we all do. I've called my CM and will ask her to make the call I think. I can't do it.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@mudsum I'm sorry to hear you had such a difficult night and you need to work today. I super hope you are able to do something nice for yourself after work.

@CheerBear your bubble dilemma sounds super tough. I know you are a super awesome mum who loves her LF a super gigantic lot, and thus whatever decision you make will be the right one. It must be horrible to have to make tough decisions that you know might hurt the LF in the short term, but keep them safe in the longer term. Your LF won't be LF forever. One day they will be grown-up fish and perhaps then you will be able to explain things to them, that you can't explain right now.

I just had a totally random (and thus quite possibly totally stupid) thought. I wonder if, when you have to make decisions that hurt the LF in the short term, you could write a letter to the future grown-up fish explaining to them why you made the decision that you did. You could maybe tell them how much you love them and how much you are agonising over the decision. Then, when they are grown up fish, you could perhaps give them the letters. Any decision that is made out of love can never be the wrong decision @CheerBear.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I really really love that idea @Phoenix_Rising thank you 🙂 I'm going to sit on it for the next couple of hours (because I have to make the call by the end of the day), speak to my CM who may straight away say it's a bad bad idea to step outside therefore making the decision in a way for me, and probably write a letter to the fish anyway. It will be a great thing for me to do and for them to have.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I super love @Phoenix_Rising's idea also.

You two really are amazing not-friends. It is one of the most positive things I have witnessed here on the forum for a long time. Everytime I see the interaction between you two it warms my heart - you both get each other and are so kind and 'loving' towards each other (yes little turtle I did use the word love but it is in italics so it is your own version of 'love'). It truly is one of the most special relationships on here and I have seen a massive difference that your not-friendship has made to each other.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising and @Zoe7 - the decision has been made for me. They found a way to well and truly keep my fish in the bubble but still show them that they acknowledge, appreciate and celebrate their awesomeness, because they all deserve it. It isn't the same and they're still not 'normal' which will hurt them, but it is a good outcome. I couldn't have put them out of the bubble because the risk is not worth it. I will definitely be writing them letters. I think it's a really important thing for me to do. They each have a collection of very special stuff waiting for them for when they are big independent fish, and this can be added to them.

I'm on a post-counselling mega empowered feelings high right now, and this is a big extra special thing for me because it is not a very often feeling. So I'm going to enjoy that for a while before it's gone, which is likely to happen when I collect LF and they feel all excited thinking about being publicly celebrated only to realise they aren't really. Hopefully this creative next best option will help them though.

Thank you both for the laughs and forum feels today. Zoe I will be on SPP tonight (looking forward to it). Phoenix_rising - there is no chance I would have had the level of self-restraint you do to not have read SPP!

😊

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi and thanks for thinking of me @CheerBear 💗💕🐻
Still really struggling, just saying, hi. 👋
☕🍰

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

💗 @Former-Member. Hugs for struggling 😞

Things here went as badly with two LF as I expected. I hate this and it's not fair. I feel bad and so sad for them. A big person told me today how well they're all going with everything and that I was doing a great job, and told me to try and ease up on the guilt because this bubble is not something to feel guilt over. Rationally I get it. Emotionally it hurts. One day they might see things differently but it sucks lots right now.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Can interlopers come join this nest?
I need somewhere safe and cosy to hide in.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I had to google interloper @Former-Member. Yes, please join us. It's safe and cosy here and kind of nice to hide out in. Are you ok? You also don't need to answer if you'd prefer to just sit.
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