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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear It super sucks that your doesn't-need-screwing-with sleep got screwed with.

My day is actually a pretty typical day in my world...which probably goes to show how dark my world is! I am SUPER struggling with the lack of energy and concentration bits of depression now - more than the low mood. I feel that if I could boost my energy and concentration, then I might be able to do the things that would help my mood and thus get into an upward spiral. Instead, I feel totally and utterly stuck. I know it is ok to move forward at a super slow pace, but I'm not moving forward at all. It is now two years since I finished my degree and I have got NOWHERE. Indeed, my brain is so puddled now, I'm in a far worse position now than I was then and this is super fuelling the hopelessness.

I do feel all muddled now because the regular moderators are missing. I really REALLY don't do changes in routine. I think I will feel much more settled around here once they find CherryBomb's replacement. I think I will stop needing the nightly check-in then. Everything feels wrong since she left, and having the regular weekday moderators vanish this morning has magnified that. Yep, I really am borderline, with all the abandonment stuff that goes with that...AND I am aspie and thus really really don't do change...not that that makes me "too complex".

I am superly duperly glad that you are here...even when you are not here.

I am super excited that you made something for me. I will hold off until Thursday to see it - that will be something else super cool to look forward to, along with my party. I super wish we could be not-friends in the real world @CheerBear.

Did you write your last post while in the supermarket? I love that I can come shopping with you. Let's ride a trolley!!!!! Your handbag feels like a super safe place to snuggle this week. Just make sure I don't get stolen, ok! Imagine that; someone will try to steal your handbag and you will have to beat them up, not because you are worried about losing your handbag, but because you definitely can't let anyone steal me.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising - it's so annoying when days are tricky especially when they're tricky for no big reason except that they're the same as the tricky days that came before them. I'm finding that a bit at the moment too. Days that are write offs because of big triggers seem to sit a bit better with me than days that are write offs because they're 'normal' and this normal sucks.

I've noticed the changes to the moderators too and can imagine how unsettling it might be for you. I almost left some oxygen tanks in the wave last night 😉

I write lots of my posts at the supermarket. I was standing next to the 'other tree nuts' when I wrote that post, then scooted off on the trolley because I had a clear takeoff strip. So we rode it together because you were in my handbag as always. I really do fly around the supermarket and car parks in a trolley 😛 I would completely freak if my handbag was stolen, because I would hate the thought of someone running off with TT 😞

Oh also, I was at Bunnings when I read your wave thread. I was there because the vacuum filter needs replacing (not at all a fun reason to go to Bunnings) but while I was there I called past the tool shop to look at craft pliers. I think of asking the tool people to borrow a tool almost everytime I am there. It gives me a quiet giggle often!

I hope the rest of your day is a bit of an improvement from this morning. The sun is poking through some very ugly clouds at the moment so I'm going to chill in the garden for a bit.

🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I super love that I can fly around the supermarket with you, giggling at the concept of "other tree nuts." I'm also super glad that you giggle in Bunnings at the thought of trying to borrow a tool from the tool department.

I am so very very glad that you are my not-friend. Things are so horribly dark around here at the moment and I have no idea which way is forward. However, I will snuggle in your handbag and know that you care about me, even though we are not-friends in a virtual sea. I so badly wish I had someone here in my real world. I am seeing (A) tomorrow and we will have my birthday party. I really do like her and feel connected when I'm with her...I just have no confidence that she can actually HELP me. I am desperately hoping that she might feel inspired to do some professional development and learn how to truly help people with trauma-related issues. At the moment, she is very much in the teach-coping-strategies camp. The idea that people can actually HEAL from icky trauma stuff seems to be a foreign concept to her.

Anyway, I super hope you and the LF are having an ok night and I super hope you are able to have a restful sleep tonight.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Lovely nesters.... i love the talk of the handbags and little giggles you are having. it makes me smile sooo much. thankyou

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

My brain is a jumbled mess after things with the LF went from ok to not so ok to really not ok, following pre bed mayhem @Phoenix_Rising. I'm seriously tired and my words are not coming out well or easily. I don't think you really mind this though, as I kind of think you get it, like I think you know I get it too.

I'm very very glad we are not-friends too. I wish we both had people in our non-virtual oceans to sit with and muddle through it together with too.

I want to vent about how there are too many who sit in the coping strategies camps. I don't think many of them really get how painfully frustrating it is to have a life come down to a series of get through its. I am glad that all of us here can clearly check the 'managed to survive tough stuff' box, but I want the 'managed to live beyond the tough stuff' box to be checked for us too. I'm too tired to vent about it though because surviving is exhausting me tonight too. I don't think me venting would help any of us right now either.

We can sit here together but not, while you are somewhere lost in the very dark ocean and while I'm lost in a life that feels broken into a million unreachable pieces scattered somewhere up in the air. We can wait here until we can work out and see which way is forward.

I'm glad you know I care about you and I'm thankful that I feel like you care about me too. I hope you sleep well tonight and will be thinking of you at your BBQ chook party with A tomorrow.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Ok so this is my little rant....about two things.

one- bedtime routines are soooo sucky. i'm at my worst. little fishes need all of me. but i have a thousand thinsg that need my attention. i struggle sooo much we are all on tension wound strings balancing precariously over the crocodile water and the slightest bump and we all go crashing to the ground. bedtime is soooo hard for me.

and COPING STRATERGIES- well i would not usually weigh in but this is somethign that has been growing over the last two weeks. people say coping stratergies.. look after your self.... yes yes it is all valuable and i see that but the point is. when you are rock bottom you have a total of ZERO energy. when you sit with zero energy you don't have anything to give to co-herently learning/activating a coping stratergy. it takes energy to understand coping stratergies and it takes brain function to activate them but when you are at rock bottom you have no brain power no energy to do anything... its a big fat cycle and the more i get told what are you going to do about it when i am in an emotional state it doesn't work....

yes the value of the good times is we can invest but not when we are so zappped nothing exsist....

sorry maybe that was a rant un wanted but just venting.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

yes i get it... i know for myself what works and what helps keep me stable but when that doesn't work there is nothing that works...

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@mudsum - I am SO getting your post. I'm lying in bed at the moment. I've managed to recover from sitting on the floor where I kind of fell once they'd stopped and gone to bed, and where I stayed for what felt like forever. I'm wondering how I'll find the energy to get up tomorrow and do it all again. I don't/ca't work at the moment and have no idea how people manage to. I can't remember how I used to manage. You do amazingly well to do it all.

Having my fish is the most protective thing in my life but it's also the most draining, taxing, exhausting, emotional rollercoaster too. This whole village to raise a child thing is so felt by me. I'm thinking you feel it as well.

And the way you described the crocodile water and all falling into it with balancing and strings and tension - it's a perfect description. It's too much sometimes.

Trying to move beyond coping feels impossible when just coping is exhausting.

Totally hearing and with you mudsum.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

yes yes yes @chearBear, i was the one in the calm down tent the other day. not the fishes ahhahaa....

just like you somehow find the energy to be the superparent that you are. thats some miraculous way i find the eneregy to hold a job. But i do feel the village things. and some days it feels liek the village has run away too....

ps from what you share- you have such a beautiful heart for the puffer fish and co! sounds as though your blossoms are having a fantastic time. they go out for their little adventure each saturday. thats more than i can muster..

the things we do taht others don't see. they really do count.
!!!!!
hugs not hugs.

i'm off to shower, washup, journal and crash.

xxx totally feelings the oxytocin now. feeling known on here and surrounded by nonfriends that are happy to cruise through life in my pocket.

thankyou thankyou thankyou

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Feeling those good feels reading your post above too @mudsum, thank you. Rarely does the forum leave me feeling anything other than heard and surrounded by people who get it, and that feels good before bed. It definitely beats the hiding from children feelings or the melted mum in the corner feelings 😛

I'm a hugger here, except with those who aren't huggers, or those who aren't huggers but sometimes feel like a teeny tiny hug. I'm not actually sure what I am beyond here. Probably a hugger but one who can totally freak and flip or freeze or fall with some hugs. Hugs here feel safe for me, mostly because I can't actually feel them.

So hugs if you're a hugger too mudsum. Thanks for being part of the pocket friend/not-friend crew - it's great to have you here.

Off to not look at my phone for a while and probably look at my tablet instead. It's a step towards sleep at least.

Night all.
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