Thankyou @utopia@Former-Member@Former-Member for your understanding words. sorry I haven't been able to visit the forum today. I have been melting down I guess, alone in my mind ar least,, participating in the meaningless daily activities but unfortunately wrapped up in my useless degrading chatter.
Saw my bro-inLaw to chat about nothing really but he did mention the funeral and said not to worry my cousins would go straight down when it was there turn but I explained, horribly, that I wanted them to have that wonderful feeling of rising towards happy, expecting that their perfect lives were being rewarded when " WHAM" a detour sign " wrong way...forbidden entry". I want them to know the feeling that their expectations are going to be fullfilled and then realising that it's ALL CRAP...know and feel the disappointment, have their hopes dashed at the last moment!!!
What sort of person plots someone's demise like that? Don't think I can ever forgive. They know the truth and yet it's me who has the problems. One of them told my sister years ago that she wished that I would just put whatever my problems were in the path. They knew...I had only just started to remember myself and I have been dealing with it to a certain extent. I do see both a gp and psychologist but of course both are away at present, so it's just me....and you of course @utopia@Former-Member@Former-Member.
But I've let it all get the better of me. That church represents so much hurt, that altar scene, the day after dads death, was the first time the abuse became sexual and on it went for 8 long years and it is that aloneness and shame that goes with these ritualistic secrets that have in one foul swoop turned my life upside down. He is everywher, when I turn there he is. I remember his voice, his smell, his touch, always his touch. He didn't just rape a body, he raped my life. It is no use anymore, if one experience can just tear me apart. Not that I thought I was healed or even whole but I think, at least Iwas a little better and noe I know it was all a farce. I'll never be better, cant live with the knowlege that if I do something a little bit hard it's just going to knock me for six and you guys are the only ones who even have an inkling that I'm feeling so useless, so disgusted with myself and look at me, I'm thinking of me..me who means nothing in the scheme of things, nothing when people have lost a loved one. Sure, Bet was my loved one too but I am just a selfish person wrapped up in imaginary (yeah real, very real to me) thought, clueless as to how to even begin to pull myself out of all this. I had these feelings years ago and I slipped away from everyone and everything. I can feel thid feeling starting to envelope me and only in such a short time.
I was over all the SH ans suicidal thoughts and yet ther they are right in my face. I don't think anyone can help anymore. Mum and Bet would have held me but I'm no longer worthy of their love and noone elses is available. A song I know says that " if you don't care, you don't cry! You don't hurt if you don't try! " Well maybe I need to not care or try bacause I'm sick of hurting and crying....NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE!
I don't know what happens when we die, but I've got a horrible feeling that it's just into the earth....nothing. Now wouldn't nothing feel good. That I could deal with. Nothing more now. THANKS for listening to my rambling mind...can't listen myself anymore. Maybe he has finally won.
Bb
