Re: Grief

Hi All,

Good to be part of this forum. I lost my son in a accident 14 years ago and with the help a various support groups have been able to return to a somewhat type of normal like.

I still think of my son every day and the pain has become part of my life.

Hoping others are surviving their grief within there life.

Regard

Hurls

I'm sorry @utopia but I've been trying really hard to think of the good things about Bet, especially now she has gone....GONE! but all I feel is anger...horrible, black, never ending anger and I don't even know who I am really angry at. GOD of course if there is even one which I really doubt or if there is he and it would definitely be a he is sadistic SOB. So go ahead strike me down. Do you think I really care?

Bet's daughter lives 4 hrs away but could barely find the time to visit her mum. I know she works and has a family blah blah blah but f*** me we only have 1 mum if we are lucky and both her parents thought the sun, moon and stars shone out of her! Maybe they did. Without my mum Bet would never had been able to even raise her daughter. She came with us everywhere we went. We were her family  and we were best friends. Bet and Vince would buy her everything I got whatever the occasion and thr first chance she got, she was gone. They were so proud of everything she did and the last time I physically saw her was when she came home for one day to visit when Bet had bowel cancer and they had to operate. It was like she was just checking out her inheritance and then could breathe until....

I took Bet to her appointments and shopping and anything else she wanted until I was forced bydifferent circumstabces to take a step back. It was no longer me who rang her daughter when something was wrong etc etc etc and I was pretty much wiped. I kept up contact with Bet by phone every week and I probably knew, if I'm honest with myself that things were not right but I didn't feel I had the right to interfere....maybe if I had. I always do if onlys.

Bet used to drive us mad at times but I loved her and I remember all the good times. We could always talk and laugh. Of course I never told her any of my stuff, we'd talk about her life, her friends, her family, whatever she wanted to. The last time I saw her in the nursing home when everyone sais she could make no sense whatsoever, we talked. It was about the past right back to things my dad did but also about her friends and her daughter and grandkids. Sure she was confused as to where exactly she was but she'd been in 4 different places in 4 weeks so a little confusion was to be expected. But there she was, wasting away restrained in a wheel chair which apparently they never took her out of and  i knew then that, although I had had a 'good' day with her we were losing her. She became distressed when I left and rhe nurse almost shhooed me away but as I looked back hoping to calm her with a smile I saw the raw pain of being haunted in her eyes and that is my last memory of Bet, my 2nd mum...lost and alone.

But there it is...I am so SELFISH. Her funeral is on Thursday and I can feel the panic starting to build. It's at tha main Catholic church in town, the one where we said goodbye to dad, to mum , to Bets husband and now to Bet. The same priest has done 3 of these funerals. But there's one more thing I see when I look up at that alter and that is a naked 9yr old draped in priests robes being sexually abused by  "my' priest and here I am freaking out about that and how I will react rather than losing an important person in my life...a forever friend. I hate myself. Just get the f*** over it....Deal for once in your lifr. Don't embarras your family and yourself. Thry don't even know about this scene. It's mine in entirety and I want to keep it that way.

I feel sick and alone and full of nothing because that's really what I am.. nothing. I'll never be more so why try...tell me why?

Bb

Went to Bets funeral yesterday @utopia....nearlt lost it with the beginning of the first hymn but managed to hold it together until the last procession when we said our final good byes.

AM, Bets daughter thanked me personally in the eulogy which was nice and the small crowd who gathered were there for her and her family...UNTIL... I  looked up to see my piose hypocritical cousin walking back from communion. No doubt collecting brownie points for her " to be let into heaven" list. She had nothing to do with Bet and I  HATE her. Her and her family will not even look at me let alone talk to me. They don't believe my claims against their mimi god priest and their brother. I just felt sick. The whole service I had been " seeing" my 9 yr old self being molsted on that altar and trying so hard to block it out and then there SHE was. I knew the visit to the church might effect my memories etc but they have gone out of control.

My panic attacks are coming quick and fast, this man if that's what we can call him is at my side, everywher I turn, hand on my shoulder, muttering prayers and ritualistic promises. I thought I had him under control and now I'm so scared to even leave the house and now night is upon me so is he, yes almost in the literal sense. I'm losing my mind I think and my tears do nothing of course!

I have myself in that headspace that believes that nothing will ever go right again and if I can actually get my head around that thought I will get no more surprises. Nothing can hurt me if I can just prepare myself for the worst. It doesn't matter. I won't let it. I can not deal with this crap again coming up because of one visit to the church and seeing my cousin. Hate myself for my weakness...obviously never going to recover. It's just going to go on and on and on and I just can't deal with it.

So where does this leave me. Bet is the only one at peace, never to have darkened days again. RIP Bet....half your luck!!!

Sorry to be like this @utopia especially if you yourself are not doing so great. Hope I haven't hurt you but did not know who else to turn to. Do not respond if you feel you can't ! !!

Bb

Hi @Baileyboy

I just read your post below and feel very moved by your traumatic experience, both in the past and being re-traumatised at the funeral of your friend Bet. Clearly churches are not safe places for you and I can understand why.

I just wanted to say that you are incredibly brave and caring to honour your friend by attending her funeral, in spite of your trauma. Now you need to take special care of yourself as the trauma symptoms such as panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks run their course.

I hope you do have a counsellor you can see for support and to process everything that's going on for you. If not, please see your GP for a Mental Health Plan referral to a counsellor who specialises in childhood sexual abuse. Or you call 1800 737 732 Helpline for survivors of FV and SA; Blueknot Foundation 1300 657 380 (business hours) for counselling and group programs for survivors.

We are always here to listen and support on the forum, but you may need specific face to face support also.

Kind regards,

Frog

@Baileyboy, my heart goes out to you, what a heavy load you're carrying this week. So many triggers of past pain. I'm sorry for the loss of your 2nd mum Bet. I cant imagine going to a funeral at the same place you're beautiful young 9yo self was raped, let alone memories of where you said goodbye to ya dad and mum, and Bets husband. OMG!!! any wonder you feel like you're going out of your mind.

    This is more than most have to bare. You're better than me, I just avoid things (run away), from places and people associated with my childhood trauma, and other. Your emotions are all on the surface screaming for attention at once,

     I'm so glad you are on the forums here, and connecting with beautiful @utopia,  - you need to get out some of this mounting internal stress.  Can you also ring lifeline every day until the intensity eases, and journal.

   I totally get that you feel so angry. So much has been taken from you - its an afront to all that you are. And that pedaphile hypocrit scumbag wolf in sheep's clothing filth... his day is coming!!! Honestly don't know how you could walk on the same ground. You are so brave.. Pat yourself on the back and acknowledge your brave dignity / integrity - you did Bet proud but now its time for you. Put he moment behind you and spend a couple of days spoiling yourself with self care. I love hot drinks, a doona and movies until I feel better - do you have a self care method you can go to at times like this? Try not to be so  hard on yourself - this is a lot to carry - face the pain and it will ease. They cannot hurt you anymore. Light a candle for the little 9yo you who you love, I wish I could give her the biggest hug and keep her safe - you can. Rest up BB, walking with you xox🌸🌿

Thankyou @utopia@Former-Member@Former-Member for your understanding words. sorry I haven't been able to visit the forum today. I have been melting down I guess, alone in my mind ar least,, participating in the meaningless daily activities but unfortunately wrapped up in my useless degrading chatter.

Saw my bro-inLaw to chat about nothing really but he did mention the funeral and said not to worry my cousins would go straight down when it was there turn but I explained, horribly, that I wanted them to have that wonderful feeling of rising towards happy, expecting that their perfect lives were being rewarded when " WHAM" a detour sign  " wrong way...forbidden entry". I want them to know the feeling that their expectations are going to be fullfilled and then realising that it's ALL CRAP...know and feel the disappointment, have their hopes dashed at the last moment!!! 

What sort of person plots someone's demise like that? Don't think I can ever forgive. They know the truth and yet it's me who has the problems. One of them told my sister years ago that she wished that I would just put whatever my problems were in the path. They knew...I had only just started to remember myself and I have been dealing with it to a certain extent. I do see both a gp and psychologist but of course both are away at present, so it's just me....and you of course @utopia@Former-Member@Former-Member.

But I've let it all get the better of me. That church represents so much hurt, that altar scene, the day after dads death, was the first time the abuse became sexual and on it went for 8 long years and it is that aloneness and shame that goes with these ritualistic secrets that have in one foul swoop turned my life upside down. He is everywher, when I turn there he is. I remember his voice, his smell, his touch, always his touch. He didn't just rape a body, he raped my life. It is no use anymore, if one experience can just tear me apart. Not that I thought I was healed or even whole but I think,  at least Iwas a little better and noe I know it was all a farce. I'll never be better, cant live with the knowlege that if I do something a little bit hard it's just going to knock me for six and you guys are the only ones who even have an inkling that I'm feeling so useless, so disgusted with myself and look at me, I'm thinking of me..me who means nothing in the scheme of things, nothing when people have lost a loved one. Sure, Bet was my loved one too but I am just a selfish person wrapped up in imaginary (yeah real, very real to me) thought, clueless as to how to even begin to pull myself out of all this. I had these feelings years ago and I slipped away from everyone and everything. I can feel thid feeling starting to envelope me and only in such a short time.

I was over all the SH ans suicidal thoughts and yet ther they are right in my face. I don't think anyone can help anymore. Mum and Bet would have held me but I'm no longer worthy of their love and noone elses is available. A song I know says that " if you don't care, you don't cry! You don't hurt if you don't try! " Well maybe I need to not care or try bacause I'm sick of hurting and crying....NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE!

I don't know what happens when we die, but I've got a horrible feeling that it's just into the earth....nothing. Now wouldn't nothing feel good. That I could deal with. Nothing more now. THANKS for listening to my rambling mind...can't listen myself anymore. Maybe he has finally won.

Bb