I have Failed

@hiddenite

Hi hiddenite, thank you for your kind words, but i only stopped because i ran out of money, otherwise i would still be going, not caring, not feeling, just in a wasted abyss blissful hell. I don't know how i can go to my appointments, the D and A is free, but my psychiatrist who i really do need to see, i can't pay for now, i am so stupid, dammit

Why is the easy way out the wrong path to take, the worst part, for the most part i felt the best i have in months, which scares me so much more, I can't change

As much as i want to

I don't think i will ever change, that part of me................

I am sorry i have turned your really nice words and churned them into more errgghhh about me, thank you for taking the time to reply, but i am not worth it

Hi Kato.

You're not alone with having a bit of a stumble on the path.

Like you I am human, not perfect.

I admire your strength for getting on here and sharing this part of your journey with us.

Stay safe - Keith1292

Hey @kato

Although relapse feels like failure it might help to remember that relapse is as much a part of addiction as drugs are. It's pulling up that's the important part. And sometimes you'll pull up because you're full of a desire to change and sometimes you'll pull up because you run out of money. The reason is irrelevant, it's what you do with it that counts.

Just see the money running out as a golden opportunity to take advantage of.

And remember that this is always when you will hate yourself the most. Nobody feels good after a relapse. It's a time that is always full of shame and self loathing. Which is why this is a really good time to hand control over to someone you trust. A counsellor, a sponsor, a loved one. Someone who can remind you that things get better and you have it in you to stay clean again. If you rely on yourself, during these first few days, your programming will be telling you that you'll never get clean and you may as well use. Don't trust yourself. Don't listen to yourself. Just listen to the ppeople around you who believe in you, until you start believing in yourself again.

And what if you tell the psych what happened? I know lots of psychs who will waive fees until their clients are back on their feet. 🙂

@Alessandra1992

i know i have come a distance in the last 6 months or so, my problem is, i smoke, i drink, and whenever the let's call it oppurtunity to score comes along, i have no red light/buzzer/warningsign/insert comedic flashing sign come up in my thoughts.

The worst thing i have realised, it has been the only thing to have made me feel good/happy/at peace with myself in the last 6 months or so.

I used to have the most fantastic, amazing wife, who when i met her, got me on a reasonably straight and only very occasionally curvy path, for 12 years she was the wise words of wisdom, the so called warning sign, the big red NO! until i ruined that in the last year.

I don't think i can do the right path on my own, i never have been able to before, and now i am scared of the realisation.

I am not strong, i only really lasted so long clean, because until the last couple of months, I isolated myself from nearly everyone in my old life. I can't Isololate myself for ever, and i am scared by that

i am so stupid, this forum is for mental illness not addiction therapy

i am completely off tangent for this forum and will end this discussion now

Apologies again for using this forum in the wrong way