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Overseas move gone wrong?

EngineerSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 9:30 am AEDT

Overseas move gone wrong?

I was headhunted for a position overseas in Europe. In Australia sold my house, my car (which was less than 6 months old), gave away or sold all my electrical goods and quit my 20+ year career in Australia. My remaining furniture is in limbo in storage.

I have been overseas barely 3 months and haven't coped at all well with all the language issues, cultural differences, travel, and the challenge of a much more complicated new job in a different industry. Depression and anxiety now overwhelm me daily and I have never been so constantly stressed in my life. Barely holding it together at work and outside work I am totally collapsing. Been on mental health and suicide chat support services such as this one and overseas.

I am trying to choose between continuing on, which seems totally unviable as I have no strategies how to do so and involves committing even more money, or quitting and having to pay back $15 K in relocation costs and returning to Australia to face unemployment and total uncertainty - no idea how I will start again. It does seem like either A or B. There is no Plan C. My previous employer has an employment freeze so will not take me back. Paying the money back will hurt but its potentially worth my health.

But unemployment in Australia will mean I have lots of idle time to negatively dwell on the decision I made as the depression and anxiety won't just be resolved by returning to Australia. I am concerned that my negativity will completely overwhelm me and I won't be able to dig myself back out again.

For 3 months I haven't made a clear decision either way and the prolonged indecision and procrastination is destroying me. Access to mental health options overseas is much more complicated than Australia.

I have read the past forums about the challenges of a new position but I added in a move overseas, and completely undoing my past life into the mix. The combination has been overwhelming.

Interested in how people make decisions when all options seem really bad and when depression and anxiety makes decision making seem like a mammoth challenge. Or how people have lived with the consequences of past actions when my habit is continually revisiting them and not moving on.

59 replies

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In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

MazaritaSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 9:46 am AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Hi @Engineer and welcome to the forums.

Wow, that's a big and difficult move you've made. I really feel for you with what you are going through. I'm just an untrained volunteer on the site, as well as a regular member, so have no expert opinion. But, from what you've described (and what I know of anxiety and depression from longtime experience), I'd say cut your losses. And then try to be very philosophical about things that happen in the course of a lifetime. I totally get what you say about the possibility of your anxiety and depression still being problems back in Australia. But at least here you will have access to a professional support network to help you move beyond it when you are back at home. That can make a world of difference.

Is this the first time in your life that you have experienced anxiety and depression in a significant way? Have you developed any techniques, such as simple breath meditation, to help with these at all? Keep chatting here as you need to. Hopefully some of what you find may help alleviate some of what you are feeling and help you to come to a clear decision so that the anxiety of uncertainty at least can be over.

Kind wishes.

In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

EngineerSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 4:00 pm AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Hi @Mazarita.

Unfortunately i have experienced depression and anxiety before but the anxiety has been nothing like this. This is constant and unending and all consuming. I cannot find anyway to switch it off even for a few minutes.

I have tried writing lists of pros and cons.
I have tried breaking the issues into smaller and smaller pieces to try and find some solution steps.
I have discussed unendingly for hours with family.
I have even tossed a coin twice - it told me to stay.

Relaxation exercises dont seem to work for me.

My breathing is extremely shallow as I am in a constant panic state so I tend to yawn a huge amount in last few months as I simply am not getting enough oxygen. Plus I am not sleeping well as i lie in bed physically shaking and twitching from the prolonged stress. I have got to the point I am having physical paina ahooting down my arms.

I used to use running as a stress control.method but it was snowing and freezing cold here for first few months so I stopped and as a result my fitness has dropped at least 30%. Now when I try running or stair climbing i hyperventilate into an anxiety panic state and can burst into spontaneous tears.

I live alone here, which is a major part of the issue.
I am frequently bursting into tears in my apartment. I have been visiting suicide chat lines, or my supportive neighbors at times to stop myself jumping from apartment window.
It has gotten THAT bad.

At the moment I am now sick with a throat cold and the combination has plummeted me off a mental cliff.
I am pacing the room desperately looking for an Option C. My only options appear to either contine to suffer (cant find a coping strategy or counsellor that works) or tell my employer and let them decide my fate.

In response to: Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

MazaritaSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 4:16 pm AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

@Engineer,

I can hear your distress.

I'd say tell your employer and see if they can make any allowances for your illness at this time. Or make the decision yourself to leave the job and return to Australia. I just can't see other viable options, especially given that it has got to the point where your immediate survival could be at stake.

As you probably know, there is usually no quick fix for anxiety and depression. The strategies you have mentioned (and the breath techniques that I mentioned) may be more helpful to people who are not so highly distressed and/or helpful in the longer term.

But one thing that seems likely to be on your side if you come back to Australia is you will at least be relieved of the massive pressure that is affecting you right now. And that will reduce the stress and anxiety side of things a lot. I take it there may also be more support for you here from friends, family, so that you do not feel so terribly isolated and in culture shock.

I really feel you need professional treatment as soon as possible. But again, this is a personal opinion based only on what you have written. I hope it helps to hear this outside perspective.

In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

EngineerSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 4:25 pm AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Also since i wont commit myself any further i am not doing myself any favours to actually settle in.

I am sleeping on a borrowed mattress on the floor in essentially an empty 98 sq metre apartmeny. I have no tv or radio (but even when i am in a hotel i dont watch tv anyway). I havent signed up for internet / tv bundle as have to commit to year contract. So its big, empty, and isolated which is why i often cry eating dinner solo.

My familiar possessions and furniture in Australia will take 3 months to ship. This will improve the quality of my life once they arrive but i cant see me holding out that long and dont want to add another $8 K to the bill.

I declined my employer offer of 30 hours of language tutoring as it was thousands of dollars which i would have to pay back if i leave within 2 years. I am already saddled with enough debt related to this job.

Its going to be a nightmare to undo as i will need to use escape clause in 1 year apartment lease, and work out how to send back 60 kg of clothes, when all the websites are now in a foriegn language in a web form which google translate doesnt work on. And shut off power, gas, electricity and close bank accounts. My neighbors have said they will help.

Also employer will revoke phone, laptop and car so organising things will be incredibly difficult.

In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

EngineerSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 4:45 pm AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

@Mazarita,

Yes in Australia i can turn back on my private health insurance, and after liason with professional, get booked into a hospital for at least 2-3 weeks. I am fortunate that in selling my house i have the financial reserves to not have to work for months if not years. And i can live with my.mother - not ideal but better than total isolation.

At the moment i cant find the strength to deal with the shit storm that will erupt by resigning. But strength reserves keep getting more and more depleted so thats not going to improve.

I saw a GP over here and she told me to tell employer and that either they will support me, or sack me, and then the decision is made for me.

Also if they sack me i am relieved of the obligation to pay back the money but i dont realistically think thats going to eventuate.

GP also INSTRUCTED me not to travel overseas and not to drive. But i did anyway, as otherwise job would be over, and yes got into a suicidal.mindset in a hotel far from "home" with no prospect of support apart from ringing a friend and promising i wouldnt do it. And got so weak from this sickness by last day that i couldnt safely drive so i needed to rely on colleagues to drive back to airport, and then airport back to "home".

In response to: Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

MazaritaSenior Contributor26 Mar 2017, 4:59 pm AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

@Engineer,

Reading your account, I know that you and I are from very different walks of life and yet I'd like to send you virtual hugs for what you have been through and are going through now.

If you think you can hang on long enough, it might be best to tell your employer and see what happens. And then, if they do not either support you or relieve you of your employment obligations, I would suggest you need to take the step yourself by resigning and returning to Australia.

It's possible it could even be best to simply resign right now and get yourself back here the quickest way you know how. That's what I would do without a doubt but, like I said, we are probably quite different people.

The logistics of getting back here do sound unwieldy in some way. But at least, in having to work out ways to do these practical things, you will be taking the steps you need to bring you back to safer ground here at home. That may give you a momentum and relieve some of the anxiety and depression in itself, having the safer port to look forward to. It's great that you have the financial backup for some time once you are here.

In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

Unknown userMember26 Mar 2017, 8:15 pm AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Hi @Engineer

May I ask which country you're in? I'm only asking as I lived in 5 European countries.

I have moved many times in my life and I remember how difficult the first time was when I changed continents. Far away from friends and family, no one to turn to, an incredible culture shock... it was hard! And it was hard every time I moved.

Some of my basic rules are (for myself): a minimum of 6 months to get used to the country, people and culture & new job. Ensure to take some pieces of home comfort either with me or invest where I moved. It's important to come home to a home and not to a bare matrass on the floor (I've done this before as well). Work hard, really hard to socialise, even if that means to feel excluded and keep going until I get included.

After 6 months I decide. And I have decided that I made the wrong choice once. And I moved and have to live with the consequences it had on not only me, but my family, who had just settled. But it was a move for the better.

I also had a work mate who moved to Australia and became very depressed. He eventually went back to a Europe and is happier than ever - because he tried his life long dream of migrating and now knows he's better off at home.

No one can decide for you, but I can assure you you're not the first one who's returned home and if it affects you badly follow your GPs advise.

Take care and stay in touch.

In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

EngineerSenior Contributor27 Mar 2017, 2:02 am AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Hi @Former-Member,
Living in Europe has never been a goal of mine. I had never even considered it. Two prior job opportunities in Southern America and Dubai had not eventuated and they would have been even harder.

The job was originally going to be in England but it was shifted. It cannot be changed now. If that had been the case I think this conversation would be entirely different as I would have had less change to deal with. I have wondered what the outcome would have been if in the bargaining process i basically had said England or i am not coming. Engineer in a parallel universe can deal with that 🙂

Essentially I was escaping my life in Australia and I had lots and lots of reservations about the move but family and friends all encouraged me to go. Now i find I am badly unprepared for the challenge.

To stick it out a further 3 months I would need to find ways to overcome some of the backlog of issues to give me confidence it may become bearable over time.

Returning to Australia with no backup strategy either may make a disasterous outcome even worse. There is no certainty in life and thats part of what drives the anxiety further.

As for the country i would rather leave that off in case of the highly unlikely outcome that someone who knows me, or my employer, randomly stumbles upon this even though it is an Australian website.

In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

Unknown userMember27 Mar 2017, 6:46 am AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Hi @Engineer

No worries about the country I just thought I might point you in some direction.

You say you were escaping your life in Australia? Are you worried about coming back for that reason too?

There is no shame in moving back with your mum and seeking the treatment you need. There is no shame in admitting it was the wrong choice. I think you will be surprised how much support you will receive from your friends and family in Australia when you open up about your situation. I know my work mate was! Your friends and family just want you to be safe and happy and not miserable and stuck in an empty 98sqm house crying over dinner. Do you have a person you are more likely to open up to? They may even be able to help you in organising your move, getting rid of your apartment...

Unfortunately the financial burden comes with the change, but it sounds like you would be able to manage. Whether the company sacks you or not, unless you earn 15k, they will just have to wait for pay back until your better. You are in europe, so at least you are free to move back, you can hop on a plane tomorrow, no one is holding your passport.

Why don't you try to go to the Australian embassy and ask them if they can assist, whether from the embassy or at least with some contacts to help you move back. Even if there is a fee, it may be better to let others sort out your state of affairs.

Is the company big enough to have a HR department? They may be able and willing to help you as well.

NOTHING and NO ONE is worth for you to feel like it's the end of your life. You will pull through. It may not be easy, but you can do it. I work in a high pressure engineering job as well and when I first started getting sick I didn't tell anyone, not even my husband, and I got really bad. I won't lie and say that I'm never worried now, but our plan B is to downsize, live more basic, move away from the city expenses and currently I cannot even say I would continue work as an engineer. I don't have the cushion of relying on my husband as I'm the sole income earner, but we would manage somehow. I had the high flying career, being head hunted, all nice and shiny from the outside, but my inside never healed and eventually tackled me and got me on the ground, sometimes I feel it's buried me. Work is not worth risking my life. And that is what it does with you. I would use the financial cushion. My work mate was completely broke and I think owed money to his family after going back to Europe, but it was the right decision. The company never pushed for the refund of his relocation expenses.

In response to: Overseas move gone wrong?

girl99Senior Contributor27 Mar 2017, 8:33 am AEDT

Re: Overseas move gone wrong?

Hi Engineer

I have lived in a number of places and so I sort of understand a little of what you are going through.

You mentioned that one of the reasons you went overseas was to escape from your life in Australia. I have tried that so many times, thinking if I move or change jobs or get away that will change me. But the thing I have learned is that I am stuck with me. No matter where I live or what I do - I can't escape from myself and the damned depression and ongoing anxiety. BUT some places and people do make me feel better (or worse). It really is up to you to decide - some questions I would ask myself are:

Will I regret this career opportunity later on? If you look back on this time of your life do you think you will regret leaving the job or regret staying in it?

Is it the actual job you dislike or the living arrangments? Are you learning anything new in the job? Are there any benefits to staying in the job...or not.

What are my career opportunities like back in Australia? Will you be able to find another job reasonably soon if you return home? I have recently voluntarily left a job (because it was so awful and my mental health was really suffering) and it has taken me much longer than expected to find another job. I really hated my job but sitting at home looking for work and dwelling on the whole situation has not been helpful. I'm told it is always better to look for another job while you still have a job - if possible, can you start job hunting now? Apply right now online for jobs in Australia and as soon as you get something, cut your losses and come back?

It's not an easy decision to make. Good luck.

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