Feeling disconnected from my family at the moment

Hi @Queenie, sorry you have been feeling so down. When I get to a certain point in some of my depressions it feels like I can't connect with people, sometimes even very close loved ones. I feel alienated and distant from things inside at those times. Yuk to the mystery illness. Are you exploring what it might be with your doctor at all? Sucks when physical and mental health problems combine to make us so miserable. Sending virtual hugs and a virtual space of your own on my much-loved recliner armchair.

Hi @Queenie,

I hope today is a brighter day for you. I have zero advice when it comes to connecting with family, I'm afraid. That horse has long bolted in my world. So...no advice from me, but I wanted you to know that I read your post and I am thinking of you in your sadness.

Hi @Mazarita, they are all watching movies again and here I am, on my laptop. I just feel so disconnected. I can't even really explain it.

Re: My physical illness... I've been to the GP and some tests were ordered and now I am waiting for the results. It is really draining.

@Phoenix_Rising it's ok if you have no advice, I'm sorry you're disconnected from your family too. It kinda sucks doesn't it?

@Queenie, from your first post I got the feeling maybe you don't really want to watch the movies they are watching? If that's the case, maybe it's okay to be on your laptop doing your own thing (ie. connect with us here). I get how it would be hard though being in the company of your gf's family, even without depression amplifying feelings of estrangement. Are you all living together or do you just see each other a lot?

@Mazarita we all live together, except for the children (they live here part time only).

I can't concentrate long enough to enjoy a movie, so I flit from one thing to another on the internet instead. It is isolating and the depression and physical illness doesn't help at the moment.

Wow I'm sounding like I am having a moan aren't I?

@Queenie, is it a long term thing that you will all live together, even after you are married? Sounds like a difficult dynamic. But there's also the depression and illness you are experiencing to consider, in that you may not feel quite so alienated from them if these illnesses weren't troubling you so much. I've had a lot of physical illness in my life (crohns disease and other stuff). Just on its own, physical illness can make us feel separate from other people who are healthier. I really hope you get a good outcome to the tests, in that the problem is benign and easily treated. I wonder too what sort of treatment (if any) you receive for your mental health.

@Mazarita in terms of my mental health, I see a psychiatrist every couple of months, a psychologist once a month and my GP every fortnight (for my antipsychotic injection). I am on a waiting list for a support worker, but when I actually have one assigned is anybody's guess (it could be up to 12 months after originally being told it was a 2 month wait).

After the wedding, we'll all be under one roof and I don't mind that, they are good people. I guess it is just a combination of mental health and physical illness which is alienating me from them.

@Queenie, sounds like you have good supports that will get better once the support worker is in place. I've got one of those too, she's great. It's through the Phams scheme. It's wonderful that you love your gf's family and find them to be good people. Although I personally would find living with a partner's family to be a hard dynamic, I think the depression and illness may be contributing a lot to your feelings of alienation for now.

What have you been up to today? Find anything interesting on the computer (aside from the forum)? I'm often highly unmotivated for anything but computer but today has been a good one, with washing done and a big walk on the beach just a bit earlier. I've eaten a bit more and a bit better than I usually do as well, and feel better for it.

@Mazarita I've been googling things here and there as they pop into my head. We went for a drive to the country to take my gf's children to their father's farm (they live there during the week and every second weekend). It's been a quiet day but inside I feel so sad. I briefly spoke to a member of my family tonight via phone and it just leaves me feeling hollow inside because I can't relate to any of them at all. They make hints and leave innuendos that there are many secrets and lies in my family but I am not to know them. I ask myself why do they mention them then? I used to think this was part of the emotional abuse I was on the receiving end of with them. Oh yes, the abuse and neglect I haven't forgotten that! I think I grew up rather obtuse from all the treatment I recieved. It's probably half the reason why I isolate myself as an adult, I think it is probably a protective mechanism, however unsuccessful and alienating that it is.

I cried in the shower tonight and for some reason I am crying now, I don't even know why. I guess I am some sort of weirdo.

@Queenie, all those tears are coming from your depression, I think, though it seems there are some good reasons for that in the background too. It's familiar to me from times when I've cried huge amounts in the past too. I noticed recently that you changed your profile picture to an image of mourning. Is this to portray your down feelings? It's great that you are doing things like going for a drive in the country, even if feeling sad and distant inside. I too sometimes just go on net wanders, following leads of information from one thing to the next and learning bits and pieces along the way. What does your psychologist suggest in relation to your depression?