Navigating BPD whilst living/working in a hotel

I am on call every night of my life in exchange for free rent/utilities whilst living in the middle of the CBD

Rumination is winning and I can’t sleep long.

I have tried sleeping aids.

now I have something else and I can’t use it because I’m afraid if the work phone rings because someone is locked out or there’s an emergency, I’ll sleep through the phone ringing.

i want to go to urgent mental health clinic which is so close it’s almost teasing me but I can’t leave the building between 11pm and 7am. I just scream and cry into my pillow. Then I learnt about labile affect when I laughed so hard I cried happy tears. If the guest next door complains about the noise and calls the number to complain about the noise that would be kinda funny.

at my 2nd to last therapy appointment my therapist said I didn’t need to keep watch of the time that was her responsibility. This last session I told her I had an appointment drs appointment to get to right after seeing her. We went 10 mins over. I got in the uber and cried on the phone to the receptionist to please let me see the dr because i need to sleep.

i am 13 minutes late for my 15 minute appointment and he still gives me a script. I ask him if I will wake up to an alarm or phone call and he says he doesn’t know. And to only take it when needed.

the next day my therapist texts me and asks if I got the medication. I say yes and tell her how it went. She ignores the part of my text where I tell her I was late. And tells me to take the medication every day - that’s the opposite of what my dr said.

she works with psychiatrists, she knows my history, she knows all my other medications. She knows I have never struggled more than I have right now.

but doesn’t she understand that it’s confusing to get this new medication I only got 2 mins to speak to my dr about, I’m tapering off my current medication I’m severely distressed (spent the whole session in tears) and she is a health professional presenting me with conflicting medication advice

I don’t think this is a black and white situation but I am truely suffering.

at the same time I think if I were to break or be in danger it would’ve happened by now. I have no idea where I get this strength from but I am grateful for it

i am so alone with all this information so if anyone responds I will be incredibly grateful. Thank you for reading. I really needed to vent.

p.s I will move out soon