Son (22) with schizophrenia

hello @Grasshopper3

what a beautiful way to spend time together.

you gave your son an opportunity to camp under the stars

that was probably like winning the lotto for him

you know him so well, his lack of sleep, his need to smoke his cigarettes

you are so non judgemental and patient

you are a very loving mother and your son knows this, appreciates this and loves you back the same

given the life he has dealing with his illness, he still pushed himself and still was able to feel how special that time away was

i am in total awe of you

I have cried non stop most of today. my appointment with my psychiatrist at least brought on the tears and then i felt angry with him. i cannot explain the extreme despair i am feeling of not being able to contact my adult son. does it make any difference that he is an adult.. not to me.. he is still my son.

thank you so much for sharing such a precious camping trip for you both

love to you both xxxx

hello @Grasshopper3

Thank you for your reply to all of us.

I feel myself, one of the major issues is that I feel so terribly alone in all of this. My family care, my husband cares, my other son cares but is also still angry because he grew up and was a victim so often throughout my older son's changing persona. I do talk when he will listen about those times and reassure him again that I know how much he was affected also.

i keep being told when family ask have I heard from him that I have to realise that it is up to him to seek help.

Yes I know this. However, in the meantime I cannot just bury, ignore such extreme grief. I am trying so hard to think in the now. Some of the time I am succeeding.

Then unwanted thoughts flash across my mind, that he is so vulnerable. all of the things that could happen to him. How frightening the voices and the hallucinations are for him. yes he is an adult and yes he is still my son who I love so deeply and need to hug him.

I booked an overseas trip before I found out about his diagnosis. I lost my aunt last year, i still have an uncle and other aunt overseas who are elderly. I have not been back for 50 years and need to see them. So am going to meet all of my relatives, my family. I was so excited when the trip was first booked. first big thing i have ever done for me in my whole life. so exciting meeting all of my overseas large family who are all so close to each other. then boom, son detained, diagnosis,disbelief, shock, autopilot visiting him, patiently listening trying to understand. constant belief that he is being followed, listened to, persecuted, by government. he used the term sheep snidely too. How can two separate people with schizophrenia who have never met hear that same voice, sheep?

i worry that if he rings me i wont be able to answer because overseas mobile calls run up into the thousands of dollars. I cant contact him to tell him about this. I can only hope that he will ring me again. The phone even comes in the bathroom with me. I am worried that he will call when i am overseas and when i dont respond he might take that as my not loving or caring for him and am worried how that will affect his voices. Nothing can be further from the truth. i would love to text him, skype him but he allows no contact details.

so providing i dont have a heart attack myself, i pray that he will ring within the next two months.

matosh you have come to a point where you have some levelling out. Now you are finding that you are far more exhausted and drained than you thought.

are you able to take some sick leave or annual leave or long service leave from work. we often do not know how much we are affected until the pressure is relieved. Then we breathe and feel the pain and what it has done to us mentally and physically.

I just spent 3 weeks in hospital; i should have gone in last year but was adamant that i had to keep going to avoid a domino effect.

that took it's toll and eventually i succumbed and was admitted. i told my psychiatrist that i was ready to leave. i was ready as in did not want to be in hospital any more; not ready to go home and face every day life. this is where i am now. finding myself breaking down and sobbing so much, too often.

what i hope for: not even worth going down this track yet as i remind myself that i am living in the now.

I was angry with my psychiatrist because I am angry with the whole health system in this country. I am angry that carers of people with mental health are not better supported, looked after, compensated.

I want to take on the whole system!! So I need to look at where all of that anger is coming from. This I will start in my next session.

For now I wish all of you some moments of rest, comfort, pleasure, laughing. I wish that I could wave my magic wand. I will just have to settle for talking to you this way. I am also on living with schizophrenia first hand. reading experiences from Zam.

stay safe xxx

Hi @Grasshopper3, the lack of a "Plan B" is a huge concern. It's not needed now but the long term picture is really unclear. I've thought of moving to a small unit, hoping he could manage if on his own but can't see that working. That leaves assisted or shared accom. There are some residential services (in Vic) that I'll investigate. There do seem to be more options for over 50s and fewer options for younger people. I think he'd find shared accom very stressful. The camping trip sounds like an epic effort on your part and it's great to see some positives came out of it. (I attempted something similar, but it failed completely and triggered a relapse.)

@Former-Member, 'not knowing' is an awful experience and I feel it every time I read a missing persons report. Anxiety can create a huge snowball of negative thoughts, and we (I do it too, all the time) have to find a way to stop those thoughts gaining momentum and dragging us down. The OS trip, once you're there, could be a good way for you to "recharge" and the situation at home just has to manage itself for a short while.

hello @Grasshopper3

I only just saw this last post.

Words fail me at what you, your son and daughter have been through.

Yes of course you are tired, drained, exhausted, not knowing how much longer you can carry on.

you have had to deal with far too much without the schizophrenia.

I dont have a pleasant story either with my marriage.

I read also that your son stuttered when younger.

My son started stuttering at 2 then it went away to return when he started year 3 in primary school. it worsened throughout his schooling to the effect that he basically went to school to socialise as his top priority. i used to dread hearing the telephone at work ring thinking that will be the school wanting me to go and see them about my son.

i took him to psychologists, speech pathologists, psychiatrists, social workers and he always slipped under the radar. Yet my maternal instinct knew that there was something different there. This is the pain inside me that pulls at me now. Doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, families do not get this part.

today i received several text messages from my son warning me again about radiation from electronic devices and that I could pay $100 (normally $199 now on special today only). They are

hello @Grasshopper3

sorry i am quite upset and clicked on post instead of return

my son is stressing that i need to buy an EMF neutralizer to block out cellphone radiation, to prevent heart attacks, brain damage and brain cancer, i have to buy the white one that has a tamper proof seal and an extended warranty for only $50.

i thanked him for the information and told him that i cant afford to. I also said that i spend limited time on electronic devices love mumxx i am going for a walk now (thinking to distract from subject)

i literally dread and feel physically sick responding for fear i might worsen his paranoia.

he sent a text message back " ok just die miserably then, just like the rest of the idiots in your son's family."

i replied much later when i got myself together " i do appreciate you thinking of me. did not want to upset you. love mum xx" trying to settle him.,

i am just back to square one. i know that i was told that this would get like this. How do you prepare yourself for that??

So just tell myself that is the illness and dont think about it?? that doesnt work for me.

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@Matosh wrote:
It must be full moon! My son tried to tell me stuff today.... My gosh what goes on in their heads?
I talk to you later, I have first appt with a psychologist. Wish me luck 🌷

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I do hope your appointment was helpful and that you had a good rappoire with the psychologist. 😅😺