Death of an ex

Hi,

I recently found out my ex died. We broke up to 20 years ago, although he was my first love and over the few years we dated, we were very close and it was very intense. We broke up for weird reasons like travel and just being young really. We never really disliked each other although both partied too much and I had some mental health problems at the time which made me difficult sometimes. We were on and off a bit after we broke up and it took me a long time to get over him, experiencing grief and depression for years after we broke up.

But life moved on, we both met nice partners and had families. We stayed in touch for a little while, but out of respect for our families did not contact each other much. We were friends on facebook which I liked as it felt like we were still connected.

A long time ago he was diagnosed with cancer, but it was slow growing and so his condition progressed slowly. I saw recent photos where he looked unwell and reailsed his health must have been declining. I often thought of messaging him, but was just never sure whether it was the right thing to do and what to say. I found out he passed away and whilst initially I thought I was OK, I am now reliving the grief I experienced in the years after our break up.

It feels confusing because he is not in my life now and my life won't change. But I have such a deep sadness that I will never see him again. I guess I always thought we would chat again one day. And I keep getting taken back to how much I loved him when I was younger, and it makes the pain more intense. I love my husband and have mentioned that it has made me sad, but I find it hard to talk about.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? How do people deal with grief when you are not in their life?