Death of an ex

Condolences on your loss @Moonflower2026 . Because it is a loss and you're entitled to grieve.

Several years ago I attended the funeral of someone I'd carried a torch for decades previously. (A mutual friend had informed me. ) That gave me closure, but I was saddened by the apparent emptiness of our lives since.

Do you think it would be appropriate to write a card or letter of sympathy and support to your ex's partner and family? That might help you process the loss and move forwards.

Take care.

Thanks Dimity. I live quite far away now so won't be attending his funeral, although will watch it online. I will send flowers to the family.

I thought I will also write a card to his mum who I knew quite well at the time (we both lived with our parents). I really feel for her too. I think it might also help me. I'm not sure if anything will give me the closure I want though..

@Moonflower2026 perhaps for you as well as reflecting on the past and finding closure,it might be important to look at the different futures for his family and your family. That they're opening up and diverging. That he mattered, but your separate families have grown in their own ways and time... part of grief is being thankful for the time we had and making an effort to build on that.

(I grieve many losses and estrangements and maybe have it wrong...)

Hi @Moonflower2026, he was a significant part of your life at a formative age so it's normal to experience grief as that chapter in your life closes. That relationship contributed to who you are today - we are the sum total of all our life experiences. No one can take that from you.

Is it possible your feelings stem from unresolved grief of your breakup rather than present day grief?

Such an interesting way to think about it, thank you @Dimity 

@Radder Hmm yes I think that's probably a big part of it. I feel like I'm getting taken back to that feeling of when I was grieving our break up, I took it so hard. It was a though part of my life with a few things going on. But there is another layer where he felt a bit like family and I'm sad I won't ever get to talk to him again.

I have booked to go and talk to a professional about it. I think I have some unresolved things from the past that is making this extra difficult.

@Moonflower2026 I think that is very wise, you could be spot on (again, good insight and self-reflection). Not only the original breakup, but possibly also the other things that were going on back then and what that family feeling gave you at the time. Perhaps do some journaling in the meantime to flesh out thoughts and ideas.

Hi @Moonflower2026 i am so sorry to hear of this, i too found out that an ex from over 25 years ago passed away, he died 3 days after his bday on the 8th of August and i only found out on the 18th and i am not coping well at all

Im married with kids and i wouldnt change that but something inside still hurts like crazy knowing he is gone, it hurts as i only broke up with him as he was abusive if he wasnt we would have been married etc, i thought i wouldnt feel anything if he died but i am feeling angry, sad and guilty all at once :(

i am as you confused but i believe this is all normal as we once loved them and shared part of our lives with them no matter what.

I cant really talk to anyone about it either which makes it worse cause people cant understand why i am sad about him

he died alone with no wife or kids and at 45 and i think this kills me even more, he didnt want to be the abusive person he was he hated it but he had so much anger inside of him from his childhood that he didnt know how to deal with it.

@QuietHeart @Moonflower2026 not being able to talk to anyone about it is understandable and so difficult, but its still very legitimate grief. It sounds like you are talking about disenfranchised grief which is grief that isn’t considered acceptable to express on a societal level.

https://www.grief.org.au/ga/ga/Content/Information-Sheets/Grieving_when_your_loss_is_not_acknowledged_by_others.aspx

@Radder i am also hating how people are telling me to just get over it, and its hard because its not something you can just get over, especially when you think to yourself there was always a possibility of running into them or a chat again and knowing that will never happen is hard.

I believe that regardless of how long ago it was etc you loved that ex at one point and maybe still had a soft spot for them and i do believe that we are allowed to grieve