Complexities of experiences

Hi@Findmomentum,

I feel your pain. I too have Cptsd and was diagnosed months ago. Your body feels unsafe and will react. Understandbly you most likely don't trust many people as most people who have experienced trauma don't really trust anyone. I hope you are seeing a therapist. You are not broken this is your body protecting you as it has been doing a hard job for a long time keeping you safe.

The grief is hard to process and will take time for it to quieten down. I still have emotional reactions I cannot explain. I will feel empty and then an urge to cry. Most likely an emotional flashback due to crappy parenting and no soothing from either patent. I cannot really pinpoint what memory but I feel the emotions. My therapist has given me some ways to deal with this my tapping my chest with both hands and speaking directly to my inner child and saying it's okay fear, anxiety and sadness I am an adult now no longer a child I am safe and not in danger it's ok it's ok it's ok. Repeat as many times as you need. You can also keep a diary or journal and write in it anytime you feel like you need to. This way you are doing something with those thoughts and not keeping them in your mind. It also allows you to track your progress. I hope you have a gp and therapist you are comfortable with. Here is a link to give you a hand it has info about Cptsd and lots of different techniques to signal safety to your hypervigilance. https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health/mental-health-self-help-guides/ptsd-and-cptsd-self-help-guide/

Please ignore the emergency numbers on it as they don't apply to Australia

@Findmomentum Welcome to the forum

CPTSD is difficult to navigate. A lot depends on your own particular circumstances, triggers and adaptations. My way through it, is an ongoing challenge. I have researched a lot of grief, invisible and disenfranchised grief, and it all applies to me. For a long time, I did music and journalling. I deliberately recall good memories and list them and focus on them to help them take up more space in my mind. Even if it was only a comment by a stranger.

Recently I have started doing comedy. It has been a big turning point for me. To be able to find laughter in my soul, that is honestly true to my unique experiences. I started with this idea of looking within for a half smile .... finding what moments, thoughts helped me soften... amongst all the trauma and fear and sadness. Last week, I actually had a healing experience watching a movie, that had lots of triggers and memories, but was a comedy. I could cry and laugh and cry and laugh. It ended up being very healing, cos part of my story has a lot of shame, so it was good to own the depth, seriousness & sadness. The movie was Holy Days. I had been in a catholic orphanage with nuns, like in the movie, but I also appreciated the 3 old actresses. Others saw it and didn't have as good an experience as I, but we are all different.

I am not sure what will really help you on your journey. A lot just depends on your readiness for different experiences. I dont believe its wise to force things, but respect whatever it is you have experienced... and SURVIVED. Congratulations on that.

Hello @Misty7

evening @Findmomentum, nice to e meet you 🌻. You are not alone here ☀️

Hey there @Findmomentum 😊, I wanted to come past and ask how your day was going? In response to your thread questions, I really love going for walks in nature to re regulate, it’s my most favourite thing to do with my 🐶. What do you find helps you?

Hi @Chasingsunsets,

Yesterday was an okay day but ended with the fear that that level of 'okay' is now a good day, which was hard to stomach. Today is a little difficult again; I was turned away by a psychiatrist clinic that I have been waiting to engage with, and now need to start that again with my GP, so the goal feels further away.

I find that lately, bilateral stimulation has been helpful and trying to go right back to basic grounding in space where I am (what I am sitting on, what I hear, etc)

Hello @Findmomentum @Chasingsunsets

My psychologist recommends the bilateral stimulation. I walk too.

I saw a pair of magpie larks today. They've been around for a couple of weeks. I hope they're back, there aren't many birds here.

Sorry to hear that after being on a waiting list you'll have to start again. Good luck.

@Dimity - what do you think of bilateral stimulation? I spoke with a friend who didn't find it helpful, but it's very soothing for me.

Thank you. It can definitely be hard.

I think I have been sitting a little hard on some thoughts and feelings lately.

@Findmomentum my psychologist recommends tapping and I'm not sure it helps beyond distracting me. Eye movement is harder but I feel It's more effective with intrusive memories.

Hi @Findmomentum apologies for my delay in reply 🫶.

How’s your week been?

Sorry to hear about the psych. That happened to me before I saw the one I am seeing now and it’s less than helpful right. How are you going with linking into another?

I am interested to hear about the bilateral stimulation and how you are going with it, I have seen you mention to @Dimity you have found it rather helpful- which is a big plus. How long have you been doing it for?

I wonder if thats why I like walks, my own bilateral stimulation lol. It’s really the only thing I love doing and my only set routine I have.

I have done some bilateral stimulation- I have found it quite intense and it’s not always the same reaction re processing post sessions so hard to gauge. For some reason I thought processing would be in chronological order but yes I was wrong there lol. I sometimes feel like it’s a bit like hypnosis! I’m off to bed shortly been a big day! It’s Lovely chatting, hope to chat some more soon 😊. Take care

@Chasingsunsets, I am still waiting to hear. Hopefully, I will know more soon.

Bilateral stimulation for a few months. It helps me stay present when things get too big.

Hahahahah - probably. Walking is great. I think I forget that it is an option until I am too deep.

Yeah, nothing is chronological, and things blur into each other, and it can be hard to separate the memories.