Frank Discussion of BPD: *WARNING* May be confronting

@Former-Member Not sure if you understand this reference, hope you do... more and more it looks to me like a Fox News version of "Fair and Balanced".

Hi @soul

Well when I have had rage, its like everything within you is going to explode and you just cant help it but react and freak out - it almost feels automatic like you are watching someone else doing this(yelling screaming, throwing things etc) its basically just a big tantrum but you feel if you dont let it out something worse will happen. It is do with impulse control as well. I guess I started to turn things around when I realised just how damaging my behviour was. At the time you feel fully justified and that it is the other person who is at fault causing you to react this way but if you take some time out and think honestly you realise its just a bad feeling and like all feelings they go away. Also my partner helped even though I felt he was working against me at the time. He never let me get away with excuses for behaving badly and I had lots of consequences to my behaviour as well. Eventually I thought if I want peace in my life I need to stop this and sometimes it means going completely against what your brain is telling you to do. For example I used to always take the wrong perspective with my partner and he never handled the situation well either so I basically was in a ahbit to over reacting with him. What I did was say to myself for a while even if he is wrong just dont react dont say anything dont cause an argument. After doing this conditionally for a while I now find that I am able to think before I react, sometimes even if I know I have no reason to be angry I still feel very angry so thats when I do something in the garden or some sort of physical excercise to tire out the anger. I wont lie it hast gone away as such but I just deal with it better. I guess one thing I have learned to do is step outisde my self to have a proper perspective on things but thats when I'm in a good frame of mind, if I'm unwell I will tell my partner and just keep conversation to a minimum until I'm on top again. I'm still wondering what could have helped me at the time, I guess most times my anger was a cry for help that I couldnt cope anymore, I guess most of the time I wanted just a big hug so I dont know what would have happened if my partner swapped screaming and yelling to my rage for a hug?

@Former-Member

Thanks for the nice words but I dont feel exceptionally strong, I guess the only thing that I have done is to keep going no matter what and this is due to the fear that once I stop I wont be able to pick myself up again - but it has been a long road. I have been dealing with this since I was in my early teens and now I'm 50. Only got diagnosed about 5 years ago so I wouldnt say that I have "recovered" I'm just learning to cope better with my symptoms and understanding myself better.

@Former-Member Let's just say Fox News is to some parody, and to others it is real. Their slogan is "Fair and Balanced". Which if you are in the former category, makes the slogan well ... laughable. Probably to the presenters they are being fair and balanced, because likely they just don't know better.

Hi @Former-Member

@Change123 i'm sure at times that strength weakens you, or makes you feel weakened. Because when fighting the good fight, often the need for strength and all it brings has that effect. But in the long run, it is strength. Paradoxical, yin yang in the true sense of its meaning. A little of both in each.

@Former-Member

You are so right there, I have noticed since I have been doing better I am more emotionally and mentally tired which is why I need a day just for me sleeping, lounging etc.

You are right, I need to take on credit when I get it and not just swipe it off, thank you yes I can be strong!

@soul see I still struggle, giving myself praise is one of the hardest things I can do and you dont know how wrong it felt saying the above line - silly isnt it

@Change123 - sounds like you have come a long way. As much as I want to think there is something I could have done to minimise the rage, I am at a loss to know what. They would come out of nowhere. We could be having the perfect day and all of a sudden a simple comment or action could set the most horrible mood and chain of events in motion. His perception however was very different. He would become very defensive and then attack. I never got angry. I tried to divert his attention. I spoke softly. I tried to reassure him. I would attempt to hug him or reach for his hand but he would pull away. His whole demeanour would change. The Dr Jekyl would be replaced with the Mr Hyde.

I started writing about some of the incidents but it was so full on I felt I had to delete them. Suffice to say they were at the extreme end of the scale. There were times, I thought I was going to die and just as many when I wished I had.

It's good that you are able to find something (gardening, exercise) to ease the tension you are feeling that way. Once when my partner was agitated he actually recognised it and went to have a shower. I thought this was a good move. After a while, he came out of the bathroom. He seemed to be a little calmer but this only lasted moments before he lost control again. When I have suggested that we go for a walk or a swim or just out, he would respond that he knew that I was just scheming to escape. It was as if he had to beat me to make himself feel better. Of course it had the opposite effect on me. 😢