Riding a wave

Doh!

Sorry 'bout that, least I got a giggle

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

Sorry I wasn't around last night and also sorry to hear you didn't have such a great day yesterday.

I hear what you're saying - the good intent of A is there, but the skills set isn't. You're right, there should be some sort of vetting system or at least some additional training provided to psychologists who are part of the Victims of Crime program.

From what I have understood from your post, the hardest part is that you shared your distress and not only were you not heard, but she continued to distress you. Did this surprise you? From what I have read about A in the past is that when she doesn't do too well, she is good at receiving feedback.

I hope you ended up getting some rest in CheerBear's pocket last night and the ocean is calmer today.

Super big thank you for checking in @NikNik. I put the call out to you rather than the moderator because I was super anxious that a moderator who didn't know me well might inflame the situation. Karma didn't disappoint - but their response was SO off-kilter that it made me laugh - sort of like the psychiatrist saga. Let's face it, my life seems to be some sort of weird black comedy!

I am about to head off to my GP to discuss the (A) situation yet again. I don't think this can continue...but I am at an utter loss as to how to either find someone else or try and go it alone. Given that absolutely everything I read about complex trauma says that it needs to be healed in the context of a safe relationship, I'm not really sure how to fix my brain by myself.

It is very VERY hard to make sense of (A). She is a perfectly nice and caring human being, but as you said, the skill set just isn't there. And thus even though I firmly believe she WANTS to help, the cold hard truth is that she is doing harm.

It's like...she IS open to feedback and changing what she is doing, but in a weird way, it's almost like she is TOO open to feedback. That is, she doesn't have any sort of clear theoretical model or approach in her own brain. So she will DO whatever I ask...but it's like she is going through the motions without any clear rationale driving the behaviour. I super wish you could be invisible and sit in on a session @NikNik. I am TRYING to trust my own inside, but it's really hard not to wonder if the problem is me - you know, given that "Fred" always told me I was too f***ed up for anyone else to treat.

But then...I keep challenging that thought by reminding myself that I worked brilliantly with the uni counsellor, and I can also see that I could work brilliantly with @Former-Member, and most likely you to @NikNik if that was possible. So...I guess I do need to trust my own inside, and my own inside tells me that despite good intentions, (A) is doing just as much harm as "Fred".

Ok, well I'm off to the GP right now to talk through the muddle. Super big thank you for caring about me @NikNik.

Hi @Phoenix_Rising - no hugs (yes that did make me giggle after I said nooooo to the computer screen and shook my head) and also no love hearts from me today lol - but I am close by...

@NikNik @CheerBear @Zoe7 I feel super super hopeless and super super scared. My GP agrees that the fact that (A) is still causing such huge distress after six months means we really do need to try and find someone else. I mean, there is only so long that you can keep accepting the "I'm still getting to know you" line. However, my GP also agrees with me that having someone is better than having no-one...and thus the plan is that I will keep seeing (A) until we find someone else...and we really have no idea how to find someone else.

My GP is going to speak to a psychologist who I called way back at the start of therapist-shopping (i.e. Feb last year). I super liked her, but she was fully booked and doesn't keep a waiting list. If she says "no"
then I will be back to just trawling through names. I don't know how to do this anymore. I know I can't call anyone because I just become super chaotic. I figure I will have to either email people or get my GP to call. I've discovered that the list of ATAPS providers also lists which of those are also on the victims of crime list. Thus I will be aiming to start seeing someone via ATAPS funding and then if they are a good match, switch to victims of crime funding...until victims of crime dump me. I mean gee, I have had TWELVE MONTHS of funded sessions. If only ONLY I could have found a good match, I could be in such a different space by now. As it is I've blown all those precious funded sessions on two psychologists who have ended up doing harm.

I feel SO horrible. Yesterday, at the end of the horrendous session, (A) offered to see me on Friday. I was like "er...so you have triggered all this distress and now you are offering to help me deal with the distress that you have caused, by having another $120/hr session." Here's an idea DON'T RE-TRAUMATIZE THE CLIENT IN THE FIRST PLACE SO THAT SHE CAN THEN USE HER PRECIOUS FUNDED SESSIONS TO DEAL WITH THE EXISTING TRAUMA RATHER THAN TRYING TO DEAL WITH THE ADDED DISTRESS THAT YOU HAVE CAUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It makes me feel so so so SO icky that (A) seems to think it is ok to harm the client and then hold out her hand for more money to fix the harm that she has done. I feel super super super SUPER icky.

I don't know how to start over again. Indeed, I don't even know how to find the person to start over again WITH. How do I do this again? I want to move forward in my life. I want to be putting my time and energy into healing my brain. I don't know how to do this.

@CheerBear methinks I will be snuggling in your pocket A LOT for quite a while to come. I feel SO alone and SO afraid and SO hopeless. How could everything fall apart like this when I was feeling so ok for the past week? Why can't I just get a tinsy tiny bit of stability in my world. I so badly BADLY want to heal my brain. How can it be this damn hard to find a psychologist to help me do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@NikNik I miss CherryBomb. I super super super miss her. I so badly wish she was here. I miss the stability of knowing that it would be either you or her around in the evenings. I really miss her. I miss her super really badly right now.

@Phoenix_Rising I can truly emphathise with you in regards to your psychologist re-traumatising you in the session. I have not been back to my psychologist (or any other) since that happened to me. My GP also made the decision to STOP the sessions as she saw me directly after and was so concerned that she would not let me leave until I had 'calmed down' a little (actually a lot). I was there for over two hours.

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you and I can 'feel' your despair from what you have been through and the distinct lack of available 'resources' to you. I don't know why it is so hard for you are anyone else. I do know that your own knowledge and level of intelligence means that you do not take things on 'face value' and you need someone who is not only competent in their field but can connect with you at a much higher level than some psychologists are capable of doing - it seems that some are just 'going throught the motions' and not actually hearing what your needs are.

I honestly do not know what you can do and the fact is you shouldn't be in this situation at all. It does seem that your relationship with your GP is a good one and I would be asking her to 'find' someone that she thinks is appropriate for your needs. This should not be your responsibility as it is adding to your distress - so ask your GP to help you out here little turtle.

In the meantime (although it probably doesn't help you much) hold onto the support you have from us here - vent as much as you like - and know that we 'hear' you.

Hey @Phoenix_Rising you're definitely not alone. I can see you have had a rough day. Do you think some mindfulness or grounding activities might be helpful at this time and settle you back into sleep?