@NikNik are you around tonight? I'm riding a very big wave of hopelessness and suicidal ideation. I feel super alone and super scared. I have been feeling so much brighter over the past few days and then today it has all been smashed by my super nice but amazingly incompetent psychologist.
I feel so scared. Yet again I was SCREAMING in response to (A) triggering me and yet again she just kept doing it...three times in the session. No attempt to discuss the super giant response. No attempt to explore it or process what was driving it. She just kept doing it. I super don't understand how it is that she can seem so caring and yet be so oblivious to the distress she is causing. The whole session was a total disaster that has left me now planning to take the only-in-emergencies medication for the next few days to avoid my brain being further fried.
I feel so utterly hopeless. I know (A) can't really help me...but gee, if she could just avoid doing further harm, that would be good!!!! I hate myself for once again being caught in a toxic "therapeutic" relationship where it is safer to stay than to leave...even though staying is really harmful.
It feels so cruel that the Victims of Crime psychologists don't seem to actually be vetted regarding their skill in treating complex trauma. It seems to me they just have to fill out a form or something. You would think that given by definition they are working with a vulnerable population, these psychologists would have to provide a bit of solid evidence that they know what they're doing.
I feel so utterly utterly hopeless. I know I could get better if I could just find the right person to help me. I know (A) WANTS to help me...it's just that she seems utterly lost as to how to go about it. She was talking today about how far-from-ideal our therapeutic relationship is. I know she is just as aware as I am that we simply cannot communicate. It truly is like she is speaking Swahili and doesn't understand English. Both of us seem to spend a lot of time saying "I don't understand..." or "I'm trying to understand...".
I don't know what to do. Like I've said far too many times before, I have neither the emotional or financial resources to keep therapist shopping. And anyway, psychologist-take-eight dumped me, the neurofeedback psychologist dumped me, and the psychiatrist refused to even meet me...so really, what options do I have? And thus the thoughts of suicide creep in because I simply don't know what else to do. 
@CheerBear may I please sleep in your pocket tonight? I am going to snuggle in there and think about how @Former-Member and everyone she has shared floaties with aren't really too far away, and @Former-Member is looking down from afar. I definitely wouldn't have made it this far without Forum Land. Thank you for riding the waves with me.
