Riding a wave

Hello @Phoenix_Rising,

I am here with you riding those waves this morning, I am sorry no one checked in with you before.

Is there anything particular happening for you right now?

Take care, MummaMia

Hello @Phoenix_Rising

Just wanted to let you know that I am passing the wave watching over right now to the next Mod. I hope you are OK.

Take care, MummaMia

@Former-Member @Former-Member Sigh...

Is there anything in particular happening right now, you ask? Nah, there's nothing in particular happening. It's just another day where I woke up knowing that I spent 12 years working on a completely useless degree and now have near-zero hope of ever getting off the disability pension even though everyone kept telling me that my degree would be "worth it in the end."

It's just another day where I know I have no-one I can just pick up the phone and call. It's just another day where I know that the only people I have to talk to here in the real world are paid professionals who have zero interest in spending one minute with me that they don't get paid for.

It's just another day where I know that there are 7.5 billion people on this planet and yet not one who can say "I love you" to me.

It's just another day where everywhere I turn, the message is "I'm too busy."

The only thing different about today compared to any other day is that today was supposed to be the day I was to see the psychiatrist. But alas, I am "too complex" for her to even want to meet with me.

Is there anything in particular going on for me today? No. This is my existence EVERY day...and I'm really really TIRED of it.

Hello @Phoenix_Rising,

I am not the current mod but I saw your message wanted to get back to you. Sounds awful to feel that way everyday, to have worked so hard to complete your degree and feel as though it was a waste of time.

I am wondering how you manage those feelings on a daily basis? How do you keep yourself going?

Take care, MummaMia

Morning @Phoenix_Rising

I'm watching over the forums this morning, and I'm here to sit with you. Is there anything we can do in the forums?

@Former-Member Well one of the things I do is check in here and get an oxytocin fix by being reassured that someone "bigger and stronger" is watching over the ocean. How do I keep going? Well I keep breathing and thus I continue to live. I recognise that suicide is an active choice. It isn't something that can "happen" to me. When the giant waves of SI crash over me, I check in here. I spend a lot of time lying on the floor or in my bed focusing on my breathing. I don't have to work at keeping myself going - my body naturally keeps itself going. All I have to do is actively choose not to suicide.

Thank you for checking in. I'm feeling even more all at sea now because it is Monday morning and the regular SANE moderators appear to be missing in action. I super hate changes in routine. I am assuming they are busy doing some training or something and they haven't all been squished by a bus??? I know @Former-Member and @Former-Member can't get squished by a bus because whenever they aren't in the SANE office, they live in giant bubbles. I'm thinking I need to suggest to @Former-Member, @Former-Member and @NikNik that they should invest in giant bubbles too. That would help me feel safer.

Haha, I'm still on the waitlist for my own giant-bubble!

Ah @Phoenix_Rising you're our guardian checking in to make sure someone else can hold the torch over the waters. I will try and give you a tether so you won't float out too far from us, ok?

@NikNik You have no idea how much it means to me to see that you snuck in here a couple of hours ago. I am riding some super gigantic waves right now and seeing you here has made me cry all the more. How is it that you and @Former-Member and @Former-Member and @Former-Member can "get" me so easily...and yet I haven't been able to find a psychologist in all of Sydney who gets me like you guys do.

@Former-Member I am SUPER struggling. I feel utterly hopeless. I know that with the right support I could heal my brain, but I simply haven't been able to find that support and I am so very very tired now. I now seem to be in the bizarre position where any mental health professional who gets how muddled my muddle is, runs a mile from me, which leaves me, by definition, having to make do with someone who doesn't get the muddle. I know my psychologist doesn't get it. Even though she is trying super hard, the reality is that she simply has no idea how to heal puddled brains. She has this ridiculously simplistic happy-happy approach to things.

For example, with respect to the extremely messy abusive relationship I was in with my psychologist of sixteen years, she said "he helped you in one way and now I'm going to help you in a different way." Er...

And despite the fact that a big part of my muddle is grief over the loss of about a bazillion relationships, my psychologist told me that she didn't see any value in talking about K (one of the people I'm grieving hugely for) anymore. I contrast this with how @NikNik and everyone around here has super supported me through the grief around CherryBomb leaving, and I just despair. I can FEEL how the grief around CherryBomb is moving through my brain without getting complicated with other stuff. I can feel how it will heal in time because of the support I've got around processing that loss. Why oh why oh why can't my psychologist get me the way you guys do???

I'm really tired of keeping on keeping on. I daydream a LOT about walking into my garage and suiciding. I know I won't ever make an unsuccessful attempt again. I know I won't make a quasi-attempt. I know that if I choose to suicide, I won't fail. Right now, the social connections I have here in Forum Land are the only social connections I have. There are no "friends and family" who will be sad. There is no one.

I know that people here in Forum Land care about me, I really do. But I don't know how to make that enough. I don't know how to feel ok knowing how utterly alone I am here in the real world. I don't know how to feel ok knowing I am about to turn 40 with zero hope of ever having a career. I don't know how to create a life worth living.

All I ever wanted was a career. I truly thought I could have a career and through that, get a sense of meaning and meet my relatively low need for social contact. Everyone kept telling me that once I got my degree I'd be right. Well I got it, two years ago...and nothing is right. How does anyone create a life worth living, with neither job nor close human relationships? How does anyone do that???

I haven't read all you post yet @Phoenix_Rising - I will come back to it later. Just wanted to jump in quickly to ask if you have settled on a time for your party of Thursday because I am so looking forward to being part of the team to make this an extra special day for you little turtle