I have just got home from seeing my awesome GP. She was super validating about how amazingly horrendous my current adventure is. She can see that it is so so SO not ok that they placed the wellbeing of the other, who caused harm, ahead of my wellbeing. She can see how grossly like my muddle of so many years ago, this current situation is. She can see that it doesn't matter what plan B they might come up with or how much they acknowledge that this was a bad bad bad idea, nothing in the world can ever change the fact that they placed the wellbeing of the one who caused harm ahead of mine. No amount of time and no amount of words can ever ever change that. 
It makes so much difference though to hear someone say "it's not ok."
As much as I am loathe to admit it, I can see that I am going to need to see TTT a couple of times a week for a little while. I so don't want to because I am so terrified of churning through the funded sessions. But I am simply not going to get anywhere otherwise. I was talking to my GP about how much I'm struggling with sleep now, for the first time in my life. She held up the copy of the email to TTT that I had given her to save me having to tell the story again, and she simply said, "your brain is fried Phoenix_Rising." That's what you want to hear from your doctor isn't it! How can so many helping people cause so much harm!!!!
I am going to be using some of my precious victims of crime sessions to deal with this current mess. It seems deeply ironic that the reason I have that funding is because a long time ago some people valued the wellbeing of a church youth group leader more than they valued the wellbeing of a teenage girl. Now I will be using some of those sessions to help me survive the fact that some people value the wellbeing of another who did harm more than they value the wellbeing of the little turtle harmed.
I do not matter,
I'm only one person,
Destroy me completely,
Then throw me away.
I wish with all my heart that we lived in a world where each life was considered to be of equal worth. But we don't, and no amount of positive thinking or positive reframing or minimising is ever ever ever going to change that. It is what it is, and though I long to change the world, the all-pervasive nature of the power differentials that exist between different groups in society tells me that it is an impossible task. It is everywhere - including amongst the mental health professionals.
I am Phoenix_Rising, but even the Phoenix cannot keep rising forever. I am tired. I guess TTT and I will just do as much as we can in the sessions that Victims Services are so generous to provide and then I will be done.
I do not matter,
I'm only one person,
Destroy me completely,
Then throw me away.
