@Faith-and-Hope I am not a fan of any of the therapeutic approaches that conceptualise the self as being made up of "parts" (e.g. family systems, schema mode therapy) because of my experience of schema mode therapy with Fred. This is a part of my muddle that I choose not to discuss in Forum Land.
I am unlovable. I'm not even LIKEABLE. I know, I know, this is the point at which people challenge this. I had this conversation with my turtle whisperer today - the way people challenge it and then after spending a bit of time with me irl they turn around and say something along the lines of "well actually, you're right, you really are a nightmare to be around" and then they leave...just like my turtle whisperer has done.
A few months ago, when my turtle whisperer first approached me about working with me, we talked about how Fred had said no one else would stay and that I was too f*cked up to treat. Do you want to know what she said then? She said "well I'm here and he isn't, and I don't believe that." And yet look at where we are today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My turtle whisperer said today that she thinks it is probably the ASD side of things that makes it so difficult. And the reality is that this isn't going to change. ASD isn't an "illness." I am autistic to the very core of my being. It is ME. It isn't ever going to "get better." I told my turtle whisperer that I can learn rules around how to navigate this, if someone would just teach me, but she said it isn't just about learning rules around what to say/not to say. 
It's like my whole way of being is aversive to people.
Do you want to know a secret about my turtle whisperer @Faith-and-Hope? All of our sessions have happened via the phone. This is something I have chosen not to previously share. But it's the truth. And you are right - the intensity of me is dampened by distance...but clearly not dampened enough via the phone!!! My friend who dumped me last year was also a phone-only contact and she ended up bailing out too.
Both my turtle whisperer and my GP strongly advocated to TTT that it would be best for us to start working via the phone, but TTT has refused that request. Thus I will be in her office in less than 48 hours time. She super promised on the phone the other day that she wouldn't dump me for being too loud. The only rule is that I can't hurt her or myself while in her office. Given this most recent turn of events, and also the fact that I have to somehow deal with the peanut practice manager, I'd say the chances of this initial session being chaotic are extremely high. I am hoping with all my heart that she is strong enough to deal with...well...me because it turns out that my faith in my turtle whisperer as being strong enough was misplaced.
