Riding a wave

I am superly duperly sleepy. Big feelings are HARD!!!!!

BTW @Zoe7 I loved the bedtime story last night. It has lots of different noises and I found I could super focus on it as a mindfulness thing. I will definitely be listening to my stories playlist tonight.

I'm going to jump off the computer now and migrate to bed (and no doubt my phone!!!!). Super gigantic thank you for sitting with me tonight @Zoe7 and @Former-Member. Tonight has been HARD...and I am anticipating quite a few more hard nights over the next fortnight. But I am scared that if I don't hit the pause button, I am simply going to make the muddle more muddled. I choose to trust NikNik and just wait for her to come home...and then I fully intend to chain her to her desk so that she can never ever leave Forum Land again!!!

Night (I will be hiding under the like button soon).

@Phoenix_Rising Super great job tonight in pressing the pause button

Goodnight little turtle - always here for you even when I'm not - and sometimes not here even when I am!

You’re awesome, @Zoe7. Thank you. (Don’t go to any trouble though.)

None of this mess is okay and to be honest if I had been directly on the receiving end of those comments I would be even more wild than I am. Do what you need to do for you, @Zoe7. I know life is hard enough without being invalidated. 🙁

That sounds like super tough but super smart choice, @Phoenix_Rising (trusting NikNik I mean, not chaining her to her desk). I will be here to sit with you in the waiting place for the next two weeks. Night, little turtle. I hope you get some sleep. 🌷🐢

Night, @Zoe7. I hope you get some sleep too, or at least some rest. 🌷🦋

@Zoe7 I am definitely not letting anything go. I am angry and I will still be angry in two weeks...and that's ok. I guess I just don't want my anger to sabotage anything either for myself or for the broader community of Forum Land. I truly do value Forum Land - such a lot. This is a muddle of colossal proportions. And that is why I need to wait for NikNik, who I super trust, to come home.

I think it probably is good that it is Friday night (even though I am super sad about having missed FF), because I was planning to limit my time in Forum Land over the weekend anyway. I will be off on my big adventure on Sunday, and I really need to get some things done here in the real world tomorrow.

And now I am REALLY leaving the computer for the night!

Thankyou for understanding that my muddle goes further than this present situation @Former-Member - been trodden on, put down, dismissed, walked over all my life - not letting this go unless I go altogether!

I really hope you can have a good time on Sunday @Phoenix_Rising. I know missing FF is a HUGE disappointment for and this muddle is super hard - but you are not alone Goodnight little turtle

@Phoenix_Rising @Zoe7 @Former-Member @CheerBear ..... anyone else around ......

I’m not really here (except I’m always here, even when I’m not), I’m just sneaking in to wish you well for your adventure tomorrow. I hope you’re okay my turtly acquaintance. Thank you for your quiet support; it has not gone unnoticed and it is very much appreciated.

Night, @Phoenix_Rising. I hope you get some sleep. 🌷🐢

I am a little sea turtle sitting on a great big pause button. Only 16 sleeps until NikNik comes home. I can sit on a pause button for 16 sleeps. This is super super super hard, but yay for mindfulness skills. Ideally I would have written about mindfulness skills but that is completely beyond me right now. Instead, I've been doing the doing. Hopefully by Monday I will be able to talk about doing the doing on the DBT thread, not in the way I had hoped, but in a way that shows that this stuff works. I am living proof that it works. Then hopefully sometime during the next week or so, I will be able to get into the headspace to actually read the next bit of the DBT manual and write the post I had planned to do this Monday. It's ok, it is what it is.

I am super sad that I can't tell you what my big adventure is @Former-Member @CheerBear @Zoe7. It is an extremely public event. I have been working towards it for two years and I have been soooooo excited about it as it has drawn closer. But alas, now I am in such a dark space, it has gone from being a super fun thing to being a how-the-hell-am-I-going-to-get-through-this thing. I am so very very VERY sad about this. I plan to get through it MINDFULLY - one baby step at a time. As in, step 1, get out of bed in the morning, step 2 eat breakfast etc. I'm sure I will still enjoy it, it just won't be what it would have been if I wasn't sitting on a pause button.

I know you all know I have been here even when I haven't been today. I'm sorry you fell over the thing you fell over in the WR @Former-Member. I did flag it when it appeared. I also flagged the thing that Zoe7 said she flagged. It was declared unhelpful but not in breach of the guidelines. Oh so tricky.

Anyway, I'm going to pile all the soft toys back onto the pause button and then snuggle into my shell in CheerBear's pocket while she snuggles in her blanket in her nest in the inner sanctum in the underwater cave allllllllllllllll the way at the bottom of the ocean.

I am so sorry that you are seeing this ickyness in Forum Land so soon after arriving here @Former-Member. I can see how that would make it much harder in some ways. I super wish you had been here for this bit: Phoenix_Rising's birthday party That was the day I knew that I would not suicide the day P died. Zoe7, CheerBear and so many others helped me to create a super amazing memory that I will have forever.

Things are very dark right now @Former-Member, but NikNik will be home in 16 sleeps. I super trust NikNik. I super trust Lauz too, though I don't know her so well yet. However, since we don't know exactly when Lauz will be back, I am counting down the days until NikNik gets home. NikNik will help unmuddle the muddle, I just know she will. It may not happen the day she gets home, or the day after that, or even the day after that. But I know that things will at least begin to get unmuddled when she lands back in Forum Land.

Good night all. Waiting is hard. However, my inside tells me that this is the right thing for me to do, right now.