Another day has dawned on this raging ocean. Thank you for helping me feel less alone. I don't know how long this storm is going to go on for. I simply do not know how to ever get up and try again now. My muddle seems to be the epitome of learned helplessness. I did EVERYTHING right in this situation. I was self-aware enough to know I couldn't cope with the situation alone and that is why I told A that I did not want either her or W to contact irrespective of the outcome. I could not cope with being on edge waiting for a call/email. We agreed that we would deal with the situation in Monday's (as in tomorrow's) session.
All week I worked at putting the situation out of my head. I used every skill in my tool kit to stay in the present, not catastrophise, practice waiting etc etc etc. I did EVERYTHING right. I could not have done anything more right. And yet here I am in the biggest storm I've been in for a long time, because my psychologist thought it was a bright idea to email me at 3pm on Friday afternoon to tell me that Monday's session is going to be so triggering, she is wondering if it would be best for us to have the session via phone (to avoid further dramas by me being too loud in her office which is in a medical centre).
I can't win. It doesn't matter what I do or how hard I try, I can't win. There is nothing I can do to escape the constant triggers that make me feel like my whole body is on fire. As I lie on the floor of my loungeroom focusing on my breathing, I know I am exactly like the lab rat who, after receiving repeated random and uncontrollable electric shocks, stops running wildly around the cage and just lies still on the floor, because it is utterly helpless against the random bursts of pain. Nothing works. The body and the nervous system becomes exhausted and there is nothing left to do except lie still and accept the pain. That is me...and I don't know how to ever again get up from this latest round of pain. I just lie on my floor and focus on my breathing. A life worth living no longer seems like an even remotely achieveable goal now. I fear that this time, my shell has been broken beyond repair. 
I super appreciate all of you who are with me in the ocean. Can you maybe just check in so I know you are still there?
@CherryBomb @NikNik @Former-Member @Former-Member
