I feel so afraid and so hopeless. (S) is the TENTH therapist in TWELVE months that has done harm. And even though I super like (A), her handling of this situation is a strong reminder that even though she is super nice and I super appreciate her not dumping me, she simply isn't competent.
When (A) phoned me yesterday evening, she kept telling me that the reason she sent the email was that she thought the conversation about the whole neurofeedback situation was going to be triggering regardless of whether the news was positive or negative. How on Earth does that make sense? When was the last time anyone went into crisis upon hearing good news??????????? Her response to this was that I have told her that my good feelings are just as big as my big bad feelings. That is, if I get excited about something, I get SUPER excited such that I find it super hard to concentrate or to sit still. How on earth does THAT translate to "Phoenix_Rising gets triggered by both good and bad news so she isn't going to automatically know that the situation has gone bad by me telling her that our impending conversation about it will be triggering." HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE???
(A) and I went around in circles on the phone for ages, with me SCREAMING with the pain of my entire body feeling like it was on fire. It was a truly bizarre conversation. She kept saying that I couldn't know the outcome was bad simply by her email advising me that the conversation on Monday would be triggering. Every time she said she was winding up the call, I was SCREAMING in agony, pleading with her not to leave me like this for the entire weekend.
She kept asking how she could help right now. I told her that if she could assure me there had been a positive outcome regarding the neurofeedback, that would settle it. There would be a moment's silence and then she would say we weren't going to discuss the actual situation during the call - that was for Monday's session. And then I would start screaming again. It really was bizarre. How could she possibly not hear what she was saying. "Phoenix_Rising, you can't assume from the fact that I've emailed to say the session is going to be triggering, that the outcome is bad. No, I'm not going to give you any assurance the outcome isn't bad, we will discuss it on Monday." Am I the only one here who finds this completely nonsensical??????????
@CheerBear THIS is why I HEAR you when you talk about the absurd situations you find yourself in with MH "professionals." This is a prime example of why I can hear you.
Anyway, FINALLY (A) offered to do a "phone session" then and there to discuss the situation. And then she told me that (S) (neurofeedback psych) refused to see me again. By this time I was utterly exhausted (severe emotion dysregulation is TIRING) and I just sunk into my fairly common state of learned helplessness. And then (A) said "you are actually handling this much better than I expected." Seriously? As I keep saying, (A) is super super super nice...but how the hell can a psychologist be so totally out of tune with her client?????
And so, here I am, 6am Saturday morning, back to being numb and dissociated with the utter hopelessness of my situation. I know the neurofeedback could have helped me. I know my brain is fixable. I went to the neurofeedback place for help with severe emotion dysregulation, and got dumped because of severe emotion dysregulation. How is anyone supposed to heal if they are turned away for the very issues they seek healing from?
I like (A), I really do. But with such a total lack of attunement between us, how can she help me? I super appreciate her commitment and her willingness to keep trying. But seriously, you don't need a psych degree to have forseen that that email was going to be distressing, and then the distress was compounded by the phone conversation. She is not competent...and I haven't been able to find anyone who is. I got away from my abusive therapist of sixteen years. I had hope that that would be a turning point and that I would be able to heal. Two years and eleven therapists later, all I feel is utter utter utter utter hopelessness. 
@Former-Member @CherryBomb @NikNik @Former-Member @Former-Member
