Feeling lost

Hi @plukaduc, welcome to the forums, and thank you for sharing so openly in your first post

It sounds like you've been carrying a lot over the past few years, and that’s a lot for anyone to be navigating

One thing that stood out to me while reading your post was the amount of reflection you've been doing. I can hear that you've been looking honestly at your experiences and the patterns you've noticed in your relationships, while also thinking about the kind of person you want to be moving forward.

I'm also glad to hear you have a GP you trust and feel supported by. Having someone in your corner can make a real difference

I’m really sorry for your losses as well. It sounds like there’s been a lot of grief and change to process, and that can be incredibly difficult to work through alongside everything else.

It can also feel very disheartening when previous experiences with psychologists and psychiatrists weren’t helpful

Reading your post, I get the sense that things have felt clearer for you recently, even though there are still some difficult decisions and emotions to work through

Let us know what support you need and what usually works well for you. I hope you find the forums to be a supportive space

Thank you again for introducing yourself and sharing your story with us

Hello and a very warm welcome @plukaduc

@Nala2022 is quite right in his/her comments here that you have been handling a lot lately.

Great to hear that your GP is working with you.

Thank you for sharing here with us and I hope you can find some strength here to go on with

Taali 💙

First up, I am really sorry about your dad. Grief can hit strangely. Sometimes we think we are coping, then days or weeks later it lands all at once. Not being able to say goodbye can make that even heavier.

It also sounds like you have had a huge identity shift since your work injury. Going from working full time since 15 to suddenly not being able to work is not a small adjustment. That can mess with your confidence, routine, purpose and how you see yourself. So when you say you are feeling lost, I think that makes a lot of sense.

I like that you are saying you want to change for yourself. That is the part I would hold onto. Whether your ex partner comes back or not, the work still matters. The danger is making the relationship the whole goal, because then your progress depends on her reaction. The stronger goal is, “I am going to become a healthier, more honest, more present version of myself, no matter what happens next.”

I would be careful with the “light switch” feeling. It might be real clarity, but it may also be grief, loneliness and fear all rushing in at once. That does not mean ignore it. It means slow down and turn it into action rather than panic. Big emotional realisations need steady follow through.

With the person from the sporting club, I think the kindest thing is to be clear and respectful now. Do not let it drift because you are scared she will be angry. You can say something like, “I need to be honest. I am not in a place to keep seeing you. I am sorry if I gave mixed signals, but I need to step back and sort myself out.” That may be uncomfortable, but it is cleaner than giving hope you do not mean.

With your ex, I would not rush in trying to convince her. Maybe start with ownership. “I can see now that I put you and our relationship last. I am sorry. I am not asking you to fix this for me or make a decision today. I am going to work on myself either way.” Then let your actions do the talking. Trust is rebuilt by patterns, not one big speech.

It might help to write down the patterns you have repeated in both relationships. Work and sport first. Partner last. Avoiding hard conversations. Pulling away when pain, shame or grief shows up. That is not to beat yourself up. It is so you can finally see the pattern clearly enough to change it.

Your GP sounds like a good place to start. I would tell them everything you wrote here, including the loss of work, the breakup, your dad passing, the regret, and the feeling that your head has suddenly clicked into gear. Even if past psychologists did not help, it may be worth trying again with a very clear goal this time: grief, identity after injury, relationship patterns and rebuilding self respect.

Also, intimacy does not have to start with sex. If you ever do get a chance to rebuild with your ex, it may need to begin with emotional safety, friendship, small acts of reliability, and honest conversation. Pain, menopause, grief and resentment are all real factors. None of that gets fixed by pressure.

You have not wasted your chance to become better. You are 49, not finished. Start small. Get a daily routine. Keep seeing your GP. Deal respectfully with the new person. Give your ex space. Write down what you need to change and then prove it quietly, consistently and without demanding applause.

I hope you keep posting. This sounds like a painful season, but it also sounds like the first time in a while that you are looking at your life honestly. That can be the beginning of something better.

Evening Nala2022,

Thank you kindly for your reply. Since my post I have still been happy and positive with life.

I have had a couple of good conversations with my ex and feeling ok after them. She has not said yes but she did not say no. She did say I do need to find myself first before anything remotely can happen. The one thing I honestly didn't think of when we went out for lunch was the deep conversation I was about to have with her. When we started talking one of the first things I said to her was I'm sorry for what has happened for everything and she definitely deserved better. She cried and I felt like crap. It was suggested that the conversation we had wasn't a good idea in public. Add that to another lesson learnt. But after all that it what I feel was a positive outcome. We are planning on going to a movie we both want to see so that's another plus. Slow and steady and I have no expectations but it feels nice being able to communicate with out any issues. Something I could have worked on previously I'll admit.

With regards to the person at my sporting club, I have had a chat with her also letting her know that I've made a mistake and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. We chatted and she understands but am still very amicable towards each other.

Looking forward for whatever happens next be good or bad I know I'm in a much better head space.

Thank you kindly 😊

Evening Taali,

Thank you kindly for your comment. Still feeling positive and certainly in a much better head space.

Thank you 😊

Evening Me43yoF,

Thank you kindly for your words of wisdom.

I certainly appreciate what you have written and have been putting into practice what I feel is positive for me alone.

I have had conversations with both parties involved with what seems a step in the right direction. My ex has not said yes but did say she's not saying no either. But I do need to find myself for me for starters. We're both still having good communication with each other and taking things one day at a time with no expectations from me.

Loving the little changes that I'm making for myself and the much better look on life that I have. Small steps but definitely feels like steps in the right direction.

Thank you kindly 😊

Hi @plukaduc 😊

I'm so sorry I only just saw your reply, I didn't receive a notification as my tag didn't come through properly

It sounds like you've had some really meaningful conversations over the past few days. I can hear how much reflection you've done, and it seems like you're approaching things with a lot of honesty and self-awareness

I also think it's really positive that you've been able to communicate openly with both your ex and the person from your sporting club. Regardless of what happens moving forward, those conversations sound like important steps

I'm especially glad to hear you're in a much better headspace and are taking things slow, without putting too much pressure on the outcome. Wishing you all the best with whatever comes next, and I hope you both enjoy the movie if it goes ahead 💛

It’s a shame you can’t find a psychologist you relate well too, sometimes it’s all about finding the right match for you. Hope things get better for you