Need help processing a crisis I had went through years ago

Hey @krystak

Welcome to the forums! Thank you for sharing this with us all. It takes a lot of courage to open up about old wounds, especially when they carry heavy emotions like shame and guilt 💚

I will say that it is rather common for us to carry a delayed emotional hangover from past crises. When we are young kids/teenagers, our brains are still figuring out how to handle big, existential pain, and we often just do whatever we can to survive that moment. Now that you're older and have a toolkit of therapy skills, it is easy for your brain to look back and judge your younger self through the lens of what you know now. But it's important to remember that you didn't have those skills back then. You were doing the best you could with the tools that you had at that time. It's something I've had to come to terms with.

I recommend trying to view your teenage self not as you, but as a vulnerable kid you've been tasked with looking after. If a teenager came to you today describing that exact same crisis, would you meet them with judgment and shame, or with deep compassion? You deserve to offer that same grace to your own past self. And on that note, forgiveness doesn't mean pretending the crisis didn't happen. It means accepting that the pain you were in forced you into survival mode. You can forgive the pain that led to those choices without letting those choices define your future.

When the OCD tries to bring back the shame, try to practice a bit of radical acceptance. Acknowledge it by saying, "There's that old memory again. My brain is trying to make me feel guilty about something that I survived years ago." Instead of debating with it or trying to prove you are a good person, just let it sit there without feeding it. It’s uncomfortable, I know, but it does take away its power over time.

You have grown so much. The fact that you want to let go of this shame shows that your values are aligned with healing and moving forward. Be incredibly gentle with yourself today 💚

Be gentle with your self. I don't feel that you should feel guilty. Your increased sense of guilt and shame for whatever the incident was really suggest you are innocent. Why do I say that? In my experience having been horrifyingly abused I note that the truly guilty rarely have the decency to feel regret or shame or guilt. Those with the sense just wouldn't do it. Lighten up on yourself. Maybe you were the innocent yes, perhaps coerced manipulated somehow. Ease up on yourself. Do you have lasting idiosyncrasies from the trauma indulge them instead of beating yourself up for them. Easy does it soldier. You care. That speaks volumes.

Thank you so much for your welcome and kind response . That was one of the most insightful responses I have read and resonates so much with me . I was a teenager going through so much pain and hurt and was driven to a attempt on my life that I stopped quickly but I tried to do it and I hold that shame with me however , like you said if this was another teenager coming to me as an adult who now has the toolkit necessary to feel better and to cope with it I would provide them wit that compassion . I really am lacking that self - compassion and I need to build that in me. Thank you again you are so sweet and I hope you have a lovely day :)))❤️❤️✨

Thank you for your response and so true I need to be more gentle with myself and be more calm and compassionatte. I was just a kid tryna make it through and your kind words mean a lot ❤️❤️