feeling unaccomplished

Hey @moodyahhhhh

I want to start off by acknowledging how much strength it takes to just voice what you have written. When you're navigating the heavy fog of grief alongside the high-pressure environment of university, it's completely understandable that your mind and body are starting to signal that they've reached a limit 💚

It's quite common for emotional pain to "speak" through the physical body. Headaches and feelings of weakness are often the way our system asks us to slow down when we've been running on empty for too long. Whether it's the specific loss of your father, the relentless pace of your studies, or the general "bleakness" you mentioned, they all drain the same battery. And when our battery is low, it's natural to feel withdrawn; it's almost like your mind is trying to conserve what little energy you have left by pulling you away from the world.

When pushing through feels impossible, try to shrink your world down. Instead of looking at the four weeks ahead, what is the smallest thing you can do for yourself in the next hour? Sometimes, just focusing on having something to eat or resting in a dark room for 20 minutes is a big win.

I will say that most universities have "special consideration" or "equitable learning" pathways. Because you are dealing with a significant bereavement and physical symptoms, you may be eligible for extensions or adjustments. This isn't giving up; it's using the tools and resources available to give you some breathing room.

Since you mentioned that something doesn't feel right and the headaches are persistent, it might be worth having a chat with a GP. It can be helpful to rule out anything physical and to have a professional to talk to about how the grief and stress are manifesting.

If you feel the need to be withdrawn, try to make that space as gentle as possible. It’s okay to not be "happy" or engaged with your usual hobbies right now.

You aren't "incapable", you are a person going through a deeply human, deeply difficult experience. Please try to be kind to yourself 💚

Hi @moodyahhhhh,

It sounds like things have been feeling really heavy lately, and waking up with headaches and feeling withdrawn on top of everything else must be really difficult.

It makes sense you’re trying to understand what’s behind it all, grief, burnout, and stress can all build up and affect both body and mind.

I’m sorry things aren’t feeling like you right now, especially with things that used to bring you joy feeling harder to connect with. That can be really unsettling.

You don’t have to push through it all at once. We’re here with you, and I hope you can be gentle with yourself over the next little while

i plan on applying for special considerations, hopefully get an extension here or there. last time i got an extension i did poorly still

how do u convince your brain that small wins are worth celebrating? me personally, i never recognise anythings as wins until i see outcomes

@moodyahhhhh

It's very understandable why your brain works that way. When you are in the middle of a high-stakes environment like university, we are conditioned to believe that the only thing that matters is the final grade or the outcome; this is coming from someone who managed to finish their bachelor's degree. If the outcome doesn't match the effort, it feels like the effort was wasted 💚

But when you are navigating grief and burnout, the "internal" work you're doing is often much harder than the academic work itself. Convincing your brain to value the small wins is less about positive thinking and more about redefining what a "win" actually is during a crisis.

When you are feeling weak and incapable, the "win" isn't the grade you get on the paper; the "win" is the fact that the paper exists at all. If you are operating at 20% capacity due to your loss and burnout and still manage to submit something, you're actually giving 100% of what you have available. Recognising that you still showed up despite the headaches and the weight of grief is a win of character, no matter what mark you get on your paper.

We often only celebrate progress, but when things feel heavy, maintenance is the true victory. Applying for special considerations is a win because it's an act of self-advocacy. Resting instead of spiralling is a win because it's an act of recovery. If you didn't do those things, things might feel even worse. Preventing a further decline is just as important as moving forward.

Since your brain favours outcomes, see the small win as a functional outcome. So, you could say in your situation, the outcome is that you applied for an extension, and the win here is thaat you have reduced your immediate stress levels for the next 48 hours or so. Framing the win as a logical step that protects your health might satisfy that part of your brain that needs to see results.

I know you mentioned that the last time you got an extension, you still did poorly. I think it's important to remember that an extension provides time, but it won't automatically cure grief or exhaustion. Doing poorly on an assignment while your heart is breaking is a massive feat of endurance. You completed a big task while carrying a weight most people couldn't even balance.

I have a question for you. If a close friend came to you and said, "I'm grieving my dad, and I'm so burnt out I can barely stand, but I managed to email my professor today," would you tell them that doesn't count as a win because they haven't seen the grade yet?

Applying for those considerations is you taking care of "Future You," and that is a win worth acknowledging today 💚

@moodyahhhhh

That is an honest reflection. It sounds like you have a lot of compassion for others, but it also sounds like you have built this kind of firewall that stops that same compassion from reaching you, which I can resonate with in the past 💚

It's almost kind of like you're playing by two different sets of rules, one where humans are allowed to be impacted by loss, and another where you specifically have to be immune to it. When we set the bar higher for ourselves than for anyone else, it's usually because we feel we have to be the "strong one" or because we're afraid of what might happen if we acknowledge our own limits.

It's really hard to be our own supportive peer when you're used to being your own toughest critic. But if you can't see it as a win for yourself yet, can you try seeing it as a win for the version of you that is hurting? You're stepping up for that person, just like you would for someone else.

What do you think would happen if you lowered your expectations for yourself by just 10% until the semester ends? Does that feel like a relief, or does it feel more like a risk? 💚

@moodyahhhhh

I hear you - it feels like you're not actually "lowering" the bar, you're just moving it further down the road, and the thought of that future pile-up is almost as stressful as the work itself right now. It's kind of like managing a budget, where you're constantly worried about going into "energy debt." 💚

The tricky thing, I guess, in my own experience, is that grief and burnout don't follow a standard schedule. When we tell ourselves we'll "compensate it for later," we assume "future me" will be at 100% capacity. But if "current me" doesn't get even just a little bit of breathing room right now, "future me" might start the next semester already running on empty; and that's just not healthy.

What if lowering your expectations right now isn't "slacking off," but actually protecting your future semesters?

We can think of it like an injury. If an athlete tries to run on a sprained ankle to keep their stats up, they risk a permanent injury that sidelines them for the whole next season. Taking a moment to heal isn't falling behind; it's making sure that you can actually finish the race later on, if that makes sense?

If you did decide to give yourself a bit of grace over the next 4 weeks, what is one future stressor that worries you the most? Is it the grades, workload, or just the feeling of being behind? 💚

@moodyahhhhh

Feeling left behind is one of the hardest and loneliest parts of both grief and burnout. It's that painful sensation that the rest of the world is moving at full speed - attending classes, hanging out, planning futures - while your world has been pulled into a different and slower orbit 💚

But there is a perspective I want to offer you: you are not falling behind; you are navigating a very new terrain than what you're used to.

Most of the people you feel "behind" haven't had the ground cut out from under them by a loss like yours. You're not running the same race as them right now. Comparing your pace to theirs isn't a fair measurement of your capability.

When we feel left behind or fear being left behind, we tend to worry about important areas of our lives. Socially, we might feel like we're losing touch with friends. Academically, we might feel like we're losing our edge or our sense of time. Personally, we might feel we should be further along in "adulthood."

The truth is, is that life is not linear. Almost everyone eventually hits a "gap" year, a "slow" semester, or a "dark" month. Yours is happening right now because of a massive life event. You haven't lost your spot in the world; you’re just in a season of maintenance rather than a season of growth.

If you could take the "clock" away for a second, if there was no "deadline" for when you had to be successful or finished, would you still feel like you were failing, or would you feel like you just needed a place to sit down for a while? 💚