Do I move on or stay?

Please can I get your thoughts on this reply thanks x

@Hannah87

I've read your husband's response, and I will say, this isn't how a healthy, loving partnership functions 💚

What he has described is not "equality"; it's more of a performance improvement plan that an employer might give to a struggling employee. Please look closely at the language he has used, like "accountable," "check up on," "provide a schedule," and "write down my expectations."

Asking a parent and a partner to log 30 minutes for laundry or 40 minutes for floors is, in my opinion, a form of surveillance. It devalues the "invisible labour" you do, the emotional support, the constant medical worrying for your son, and the "on-call" nature of your life. You are a partner, not a contractor.

His comment that you should not be "sitting for extended periods" because he would be "fired" if he did that at work is a false equivalency. You are in your own home, not a workplace. In a relationship, you shouldn't have to earn the right to sit down or rest, especially when you're already managing depression.

When he says he'll write down expectations for "what I want at the house," he is positioning himself as the Boss and you as the Staff. In a 50/50 partnership, you decide together what the house needs; neither person hands down a list of commands.

You also cannot schedule a 2 am blood sugar crash or the mental exhaustion that comes with medical caregiving. His "accounting" system has no room for the most important work you do: keeping your son safe and healthy.

If I received a response like this, it would tell me that my partner does not see me as their equal, and more importantly, they don't seem to want to either. Your husband seems to want a system of control so there are "no arguments," but a home without arguments, because one person is being "accounted for," is not a happy home; it's a silent one.

You asked for a 50/50 partnership, and he responded by asking for a spreadsheet of your chores. You deserve to be loved for who you are, not for how many minutes you spent doing chores 💚

So what should I do? How do I respond? I can’t just leave him and abounded my family. I have no where to go and no where to stay. I don’t want to lose my kids! @MatchaToad

@Hannah87

I can really hear how scared you are right now 💚

You don't have to decide your whole future this evening. Please don't let his response make you feel like you have to rush back or give up.

My advice for now would be not to respond to what he has said/or just be neutral, and wait until you sit down with your counsellor. Show them what he said, and let the counsellor help you plan the next conversation so you don't have to carry this alone. You aren't abandoning anyone; you're taking care of the person your kids need most: their mum.

I really care about you and your situation, but I am worried that I may not be the best person to give you legal or safety advice. I want to make sure you're talking to the professionals who can truly protect you. I'd really recommend getting in touch with 1800RESPECT and Legal Aid if you haven't done so already 💚

I just want my family, my husband and my kids. My depression is not all my partners fault. He knows I have this and supports me though it all. I wasn’t coping and I left the family home to stay with my in laws and I feel like I have abandoned by kids- which is my worst nightmare @MatchaToad

@Hannah87

I completely hear you. It's okay to want your family more than anything else; that love is what makes you such a dedicated mum 💚

I want to reassure you about one thing: taking a break to breathe is not abandonment.

You can think of it like the oxygen mask on a plane: you have to put your own on first so you can help your children. By staying with your mother-in-law for a few days, you ensure that when you return to your boys, you have the energy and mental clarity to be the mother they need. You aren't leaving them, you're preparing yourself to be better for them.

It is also okay to feel that your husband is supportive. Relationships are complex, and I guess if you feel that he supports you, then that is a foundation you can work with.

When is your upcoming counselling session? Because I would suggest not rushing back until you've done that session to talk about the 'abandonment' nightmare you're having. A professional can help you navigate the guilt so it doesn't swallow you whole.

You are doing the hardest thing right now: admitting that you need help. That is not a sign of a weak mother; it's a sign of a mother who loves her kids enough to do whatever it takes to get healthy for them 💚

I left because I couldn’t cope with the puppy but my husband will not agree to get re homed and now I’m not able to cope

@Hannah87

It's really understandable that you're feeling this way. When you're already managing depression and the mental load of being a mother and a carer to your child with T1D, adding a puppy into the mix is like being asked to run a marathon while carrying a lead weight; it's a lot 💚

You couldn't cope because you are a human, and you reached an absolute limit.

In mental health support, we often talk about capacity. And right now, I'm hearing that your capacity is full. From what I can gather, your husband just sees a pet; whereas for you, you see a relentless demand for energy that you just don't have.

If and when you feel ready to talk to your husband again, try to move the focus away from the puppy and toward your recovery. Instead of saying "the puppy needs to go," you could say something like "I want to be home with you and the kids, but my GP and/or counsellor and I have realised that I cannot recover in an environment with the puppy right now. It is preventing me from being the mother and wife I want to be. How can we make the house safe for my mental health so I can come home?"

If he is absolutely set on keeping the puppy, there has to be a middle ground that doesn't involve you doing the work. Is it possible for the puppy to go to a "doggy daycare" or stay with a friend/trainer for the next two weeks while you transition back home? Another idea is that maybe your husband could agree to having 100% responsibility for the puppy. This means he does the feeding, cleaning, walking, and training, and the puppy stays in a separate area of the house when he isn't there to care for it.

You aren't choosing the puppy over your family. You are choosing your health so that you can actually be with your family. If your husband won't rehome the puppy, what is HIS plan to make sure the puppy doesn't fall on your shoulders? 💚

I asked again if he could get rid of the puppy, that it’s having a big impact on the mental health- I’m not relaxing, eating drinking or sleeping very well. I’m on edge all the time, I keep thinking my only option is to run away but I don’t want to abandon my kids.

@Hannah87

I am reading your words, and I want you to know that I can hear how much pain you're in. When you aren't eating, drinking, or sleeping, your body is in an emergency state. It makes sense that you feel like running away; that's your brain's natural survival instinct trying to get you to a place of safety 💚

I want to tell you something very clearly: the puppy is a 'want' for your husband, but sleep and food are 'needs' for you!

I would suggest stopping the puppy negotiation, even just for a day or two. You've asked, and he has said no. Continuing to argue about it while you aren't sleeping is only going to make you feel more hopeless.

I want you to try to focus on the very basics. Can you drink a glass of water and eat one small thing right now? Your brain cannot make big life decisions while it is hungry and exhausted.

Since you're still at your mother-in-law's (I presume anyway), tell her exactly what you told me here: "I'm not eating or sleeping, and I feel like I need to run away." Let her help you with the basic things, like making sure you're eating.

If you really feel like you're at a breaking point and can't wait for your counselling session, please either contact your GP or a crisis line like Lifeline and tell them what you've been going through.

You are a gentle, loving person who is currently in a very harsh situation. Please, choose yourself today. Everything else, the house, the marriage, the puppy, can be figured out once you have slept and eaten 💚