Do I move on or stay?

@Hannah87

I am sending you that big hug right back across the screen! It means a lot to me that you are feeling a little lighter. Just tracing back to what your sister said - it is a very big and scary term, but definitely worth looking at honestly.

Is it emotional abuse? Well, I cannot label your marriage from the outside, but what I can say is that there are behaviours that you have described that to me are red flags for emotional control. Those red flags are specifically:

• making you feel responsible for a medical condition (T1D) that no one can control
• talking to you like a child instead of a partner
• telling you that your mental health makes you "unstable" or a "weakness" to the kids
• using financial stress to keep you in a state of worry

When someone spends years being told they aren't "good enough," they start to believe it. Your sister likely sees the "vibrant you" disappearing and is worried. Abuse isn't just about what a partner does; it's often about what they take away from us, like your confidence, your voice, and your sense of safety in your own home.

We can absolutely keep in touch here on the forums and hear how you are doing as you navigate all of this 💚

I agree with above - such good advice

I will add that my husband has always been faithful, hard working, doesn’t smoke or drink or take drugs….he is a big personality and will speak his mind (even if he doesn’t mean it). He doesn’t control my spending, or have any control over my friends. He supports my hobbies and interests.

although he has emotional control, would you still give him a chance or set boundaries? X

Hey @Hannah87 ,

Are you able to respond to the email we sent you earlier?

If you havent' received it, let us know and we'll resend it.

Hi @Lvm ,

Great to see you. What's been happening for you?

Hope you can feel supported on the forums.

@Hannah87

I appreciate you sharing those details. It's definitely important to see the whole picture, and it sounds like he has many qualities that make for a stable foundation: he's reliable, supportive of your friends, and hard-working. That makes it even more confusing when the emotional side of things feels so painful 💚

About whether to give him a chance or set boundaries, I would say it doesn't have to be one or the other. In fact, setting firm boundaries is often the only way to give a relationship a real chance to survive.

You mentioned he has a big personality and speaks his mind "even if he doesn't mean it." The problem here is that even if he doesn't mean it, you still have to feel it. In a healthy relationship, a big personality shouldn't come at the expense of a partner's self-esteem. If I were giving him a chance, my boundary would be something like "You can speak your mind, but you cannot speak to me with contempt or blame me for our child's health."

Giving him a chance shouldn't mean going back to exactly how things were. It would mean going back with a new set of rules. For example, you can say, "I am your wife and partner, not a child. If you talk 'at' me or belittle me, I will walk out of the room for 30 minutes until we can speak as equals," or even, "My mental health and our son's T1D are not up for criticism. I am doing my best, and I need support, not judgment."

A relationship can only change if both people acknowledge there is a problem. While you'll be doing the work in therapy, the real test for the future is whether he is willing to listen when you tell him how much his words have hurt you. If he dismisses your feelings as you being "too soft" or "unstable," it's a very hard bridge to build.

Don't let "giving him a chance" mean that you have to toughen up or change who you are to survive his "big personality." A good partner should be a shield for your gentleness, not the person you need a shield from.

Since you are safe at your mother-in-law’s, use this time to write down what a "respectful" marriage looks like to you. Not a "perfect" one, but one where you feel safe to be yourself. If he can meet those basic needs for respect, there is hope. If he can't, then you have your answer.

Take all the time you need 💚

So I wrote a list about respect and ticked the ones that he’s show me.

Listen- yes true

Accept who I am- yes true

no judgment or blame- no he does blame a lot about the kids actions and issues

equal partnership- no, he thinks we’re not equal as I do not contribute toward household bills however I am a carer for my son with T1D and I am a housewife with a part time job.

where do I go from here?

@Hannah87

I am really proud of you for sitting down and taking the time to write out that list 💚

Your husband's belief that you aren't equal because you don't contribute as much financially is a major red flag. In a family, contribution is not just about cash. You already are a 24/7 caregiver for a child living with T1D, and you manage the household and the emotional labour of the family. You certainly are more than contributing; you're the engine that keeps the family running. If he cannot see the value in that, then he isn't seeing you.

On another note, blaming you for the children's actions or medical issues is a way of avoiding his own stress. It's easier for him to point the finger at you than to sit with the difficult reality of raising kids with challenges.

The list you made is the perfect map for a counselling session. You can say to the counsellor something like "I've realised that I don't feel like an equal partner because of our financial dynamic, and the blame I receive is hurting my mental health. I want to know if these things can change."

If you do decide to head back home, there needs to be a new agreement. You are both on the same team. The money that he earns is "family money," and the care you provide is "family labour." And before you do decide to return, tell him one specific thing that needs to change immediately, it could be something like "I need you to stop blaming me for our son's blood sugar levels. It's medical, not a parenting failure. Can you agree to that?" His reaction to that request will tell you everything you need to know about where to go next.

Take your time with the "where to go" part 💚

So I asked my husband if we could be 50/50 partnership and this is how he replies…

‘Yes, let’s start by setting the records straight…you need to bring services to the table then. Those services need to be accountable….you need to provide a schedule of what you do so it is clear to everyone to see and check up on. So for example you need to account for your time contributing to the household, clean clothes 30 mins Sunday avo, wash floors on Friday 40 mins etc. Your daytime rest periods should not involve sleeping or sitting for extending periods of time…if I did that I would be fired from work. We should be working on equality…like wise I need to stop expecting you to do what I am thinking. I need to explain and then write down my expectations for what I want at the house so then there are no arguments later.

‘Also coins don’t count as you keep all your money seperate to the house hold. You may or may not contribute money, but I would never know….its hard to equal with accountability’