Do I move on or stay?

Hi @Hannah87 ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums! We're really glad to have you join the community.

Thank you for sharing what's been happening for you - It sounds like you've gone through a lot of major life changes and I'm really hearing how torn you feel, with part of you struggling deeply with how things are at the moment, and another part of you not wanting to loose the life you've built.

When lots of stressors and decisions build up at once, it can sometimes be helpful to focus on what feels most manageable short-term, one day at a time. If you feel able to, reaching out for some support from a GP and/or phone counsellor could be helpful?

Parentline - 1300 30 1300
BeyondBlue - 1300 22 4636

The community is also here to listen and support. You're not alone in what you're going through💙
~ @Honeymoon

Hey @Hannah87

I read your post, and I can really feel the weight of it through the screen. I want to tell you something very clearly: that you are not failing, and that you are not a bad person for struggling with the puppy 💚

There seem to be many stressors all happening in your life right now. Managing Type 1 Diabetes for a child is a mental marathon that just seems to never end. You're living away from your original support system, which makes every problem feel twice as heavy, and the "Puppy Blues" is a real phenomenon, and the sleep deprivation and constant needs of a puppy can trigger deep depression in people who are already stretched thin.

I am wondering, what is one thing that would give you an hour of peace today? Is it a trusted neighbour watching over the kids? Is it putting the puppy in a crate/pen in another room so you don't have to watch over it?

Since you mentioned your depression has returned, I really recommend seeing a GP. In Australia, you can access a Mental Health Care Plan, which gives you subsidised sessions with a psychologist/counsellor. You deserve a safe space to talk about what you have been going through.

Before you decide to leave the marriage or the country permanently, have you considered booking a 2-week trip to the UK alone or with the kids? Sometimes getting out of the "pressure cooker" environment for a moment helps you see what a "puppy problem " is and what a "marriage problem " is.

You are worth so much more than the chores and the caretaking you do. Please reach out to a local support group or professional. You've built a "good life," but you deserve to be mentally well enough to enjoy it.

Sending you lots of strength 💚

@Hannah87

I am so glad to hear that you are at your mother-in-law's place and that you have sought counselling. Stepping away to breathe isn't "running away," it's an act of self-preservation 💚

Managing Type 1 Diabetes is a relentless, 24/7 medical job. For your husband to suggest you aren't doing it "well enough" while you are the one monitoring your child around the clock is incredibly hurtful. There is no such thing as perfect, and I want to remind you that you are a mother, not a medical machine.

You described yourself as a "quiet, soft and gentle person." In a world that can be harsh and cruel, those are beautiful qualities for a mother to have, or anyone, for that matter. Being gentle is not a weakness. It provides your children with a safe emotional harbour. Discipline can be learned, but the kind of innate gentleness you describe is a core part of who you are, and don't let anyone make you feel ashamed of that.

It really sounds like your husband's job loss caused him a lot of internal fear, which is projecting onto you and the children. Him telling you that you'll "lose everything" or criticising your 5-year-old's weight are signs of his own high anxiety. You shouldn't have to carry the weight of his fears on top of your own.

And another point I want to add is that if your children are treating you negatively or disrespectfully, it is often because they sense a tension between your parents. They see how their father treats you, and, unfortunately, children often mirror the dynamics they see at home. As you get stronger from counselling, you will find the tools to set boundaries with them that don't require you to stop being gentle.

I really recommend using those counselling sessions to talk specifically about this blame cycle you experience. You deserve to live in a home where you feel appreciated, not scrutinised 💚

You provide incredible insight and are an amazing beautiful person. He currently has the kids while I’m staying with my mother in law. I just don’t know if I want to put up with the constant judgement from my husband. He’s not all bad, he provides a home for us, pays all the bills and can be good to the kids takes them to the park sometimes. I mainly a stay at home wife with a nice part time job and have really lovely friends too. But my husband doesn’t talk to me, he talks at me like I’m a kid. He thinks because I depressed I am an unstable mum. It’s really hard to know how to move forward.What would you do in my shoes?

….and just to add my sister thinks that’s I’m being emotionally abused? Do you think this might be true? Xxx

@Hannah87

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am glad that I can be a sounding board for you while you're in this quiet space at your mother-in-law's 💚

You certainly asked a tricky question about what I would do!

If I were in your shoes, I would try to step back and look at the "ledger" of my life, not just in terms of money, but in terms of my own spirit. I'll try my best to explain how I would process those thoughts.

It is common to stay in a difficult relationship because maybe the person "pays the bills" or "takes the kids to the park"; I know this very well, having been in some not-so-great/healthy relationships in the past. But I want to remind you that paying bills is a basic responsibility of a partner, not a bonus that gives him the right to treat you like a child. If I were in your shoes, I would ask myself this question: "If the money and house were gone, would I still want to be standing next to this person?"

Being depressed does not make you an unstable mother. In fact, managing a household and a child's medical needs while battling depression shows an incredible amount of strength and stability. If your husband is using your mental health as a weapon to "talk to you," he isn't making the depression any easier to heal. Stability comes from support, not from being judged.

I know you already mentioned how he talks to you like a kid. And a marriage, or any relationship for that matter, is a partnership of equals. If I were in your shoes, I'd use those upcoming counselling sessions to see if he is willing to join you for at least one session. I would want to know "Is he capable of seeing me as an equal? Is he willing to learn how to talk TO me rather than AT me?" And if the answer there is no, then the nice house might start to feel like a very lonely place.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be thinking of my kids. Your kids are 5 and 7, and they're watching how their father treats their mother, learning what a "wife" and a "husband" are. My own parents did not give me an example of what a healthy and equal relationship looked like, so I want my own kids to grow up seeing both parents who are respectful and kind to one another.

I would not be making a permanent decision today. I would be telling your counsellor what you said here: "He provides, but he doesn't respect me." If I were you, I'd wait until I felt a little bit stronger before going back into that environment, and I would set a firm boundary that "blame" needs to stop in order for the relationship to move forward 💚

Hi @Hannah87 ,

Thank you for sharing what has been going on for you.

We can not diagnose or provide any definitive label here on the forums however being spoken to in a way that feels belittling or constant criticism isn't something you have to live with.

If you feel up to it, you may wish to teach out to 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), as they can offer confidential support and talk through what has been happening at home. You deserve to feel heard and supported.

Also, just a quick note that I've sent you an email. Can you have a look at responding to the email when you get a chance?

Warmly,
~ @Honeymoon 💙

thank you so much, your advice is priceless and I wish I could give you the biggest hug. You are so grounded and wise and full of love. Your kindness has made my heart bigger and fuller. I hope we can keep in touch. [edited by moderator]

Hi @Hannah87 ,

Thank you for your posts. We had to edit your post above as this is an annonymous platform. Members are asked not to share their name or any identifying information. This is in line with out Community Guidelines

Please see the email we have sent you and respond as soon as you can.