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Managing relationships

Self-Sabotage

Self-Sabotage

I hope it's not weird to post this. About two weeks ago, I took a single-day course and noticed a cute person there signalling interest. It was the first time I've felt mutual attraction and safe in the interaction, but we didn't talk. I think they were testing the waters, and even though I kept thinking of how I could positively respond, I ultimately didn't act. My mind kept rationalising based on former negative experiences about "being too much" or "not enough" why I had to be careful. This person was trying to set up a way to approach me, but I ended up leaving early to catch a bus urgently (a bad habit of anxiety I have) and lost my chance in the process. It's rare I feel that way about someone and it's worse when this person is the most attractive all-round impression I've come across. As I left, they looked really disappointed which makes it hurt more. I've been severely depressed since because I don't feel confident I'll have another attraction like that again. I've waited so many years to feel seen like that, to feel like someone wanted to know me, and I feel like I betrayed myself. I have a lot of self-hatred and deep regret. I don't know what to think anymore and I'd appreciate some perspective or advice on how to cope with the loss of an opportunity like that.

34 replies

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In response to: Self-Sabotage

Re: Self-Sabotage

@WretchedKid

That is honestly such a massive win! Holding eye contact and staying calm internally in a high-stakes moment is a high level of growth for someone with a history of anxiety. You should be really proud of that! You showed up for the interaction in a way "past you" couldn't have 💚

I really love that you're finding the "sweet spot" between the extremes. Life rarely happens at 0 or 100, and finding that middle ground is where sustainable healing lives.

Leaning into nostalgia is actually a brilliant strategy. Psychologically, nostalgia provides a sentimental longing that can act as a stabilising force when the present feels chaotic or painful. It reminds you of your continuity, that you are the same person who survived those teen years and childhood challenges, and you'll survive this wave too!

Take care of yourself! 💚

In response to: Re: Self-Sabotage

Re: Self-Sabotage

You're a great cheerleader and perspective-giver, @MatchaToad ! Take care of yourself as well! 🙂

In response to: Self-Sabotage

Re: Self-Sabotage

Hey @WretchedKid, I’m sorry for the late response

I’m really glad some of it clicked for you. Those moments where things start to make a bit more sense can feel pretty big, especially after you’ve been stuck in your head with it all.

And honestly, what happened sounds like such a normal human response. When something feels unfamiliar or important, our brains can do all sorts of things in the moment, freeze included.

I’m sorry things have been a bit up and down. That can be exhausting. But I’m really glad to hear you’re trying to eat better and ease back into some rhythm. Sometimes it’s the small things that help steady us again.

Go gently with yourself 😊

In response to: Re: Self-Sabotage

Re: Self-Sabotage

Please don't be sorry, @Nala2022 , but thanks for remembering me! 🙂

I'll make sure to take it a day and a step at a time. I really appreciate all of your help! Take care!

In response to: Re: Self-Sabotage

Re: Self-Sabotage

Hey @WretchedKid ,

How are you today? Great to see you around.

In response to: Re: Self-Sabotage

Re: Self-Sabotage

Hi @tyme ! I've noticed you here and there. 🙂

I'm too distracted by life to focus on my emotions at the moment, haha... I want to process properly, but deadlines got me tied up until Thursday.

But I'm gradually finding my peace again. Hope you're doing well too!

In response to: Re: Self-Sabotage

Re: Self-Sabotage

That's life for you. Somedays are better than others. I've learnt that we've just got to learn to ride the wave. @WretchedKid

We're here for each other.

Please don't be afraid to reach out.

Most of us here have been through the hard yards, so hopefully you'll feel less alone when things are tough.

Of course, we love celebrating wins too!

I've had a busy day. It's always nice to be on the forums though and catch up with my forums family 🙂

Looking forward to seeing you around more often!

In response to: Re: Self-Sabotage

Re: Self-Sabotage

Thanks so much, @tyme ! Same to you!

In response to: Re: Self-Sabotage

Re: Self-Sabotage

Do you have much planned for tomorrow? Or the week ahead? @WretchedKid

In response to: Re: Self-Sabotage

Re: Self-Sabotage

@tyme - I'm preparing for a house inspection, trying to get a wasp issue resolved asap tomorrow and also starting to learn spanish (or more of it). 🙂

What about you?

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