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Hey @Turtle-25

I wanted to welcome you to the forums and thank you for having the courage to share such a heavy and complicated part of your life. It takes a huge amount of strength to admit when you've hit a wall, especially when you have spent years being the primary "pillar" for your daughter and grandchildren 💚

It is very exhausting to be the financial, emotional and physical safety net for someone, only to have that same person direct "abusive hatred" towards you. Please know that your decision to seek professional help for yourself is a necessary act of survival, not abandonment. You cannot advocate for your grandchildren or support your daughter long-term if you are depleted.

Maintaining a relationship with a 6-year-old and a 16-year-old while being "split" or devalued by their mother is one of the hardest roles to play. For the 16-year-old, they are likely seeing and feeling the tension. Staying calm and not venting about their mother is the best way to remain a safe person in their life. As for the 6-year-old, consistency is key. Even if contact is limited to cards or brief check-ins, knowing you are a stable, loving presence matters.

Since your psychologist has identified these traits, you might find comfort in exploring resources on Radical Acceptance and Parallel Parenting (especially those adapted for grandparents). These tools focus on accepting a situation as it is right now, rather than how we wish it were, which can help reduce the ongoing worry you mentioned.

I am sure there are many members here, too, who have navigated these exact waters for years. Please feel free to take what resonates with you and leave the rest. We're all here to listen whenever things get too heavy or the worry feels too loud 💚

Hi @Turtle-25 ,

I can personally relate, but from a different perspective. I was the one with BPD. I was the one who lashed out and got angry. I was the one who struggled with emotional regulation and in turn this impacted those around me.

Please know your daughter is hurting. I hear this is not easy on you and you are doing what you can to support her.

Does she have professional supports to help her with what is going on for her internally?

For me, my emotional world was in such turmoil, and the only way for me to cope was to try and control the world around me - including people I loved.

Whilst you mean well in helping your daughter, there is a very fine line between "helping" and "enabling". For me, those that 'gave in' and blurred the boundaries really suffered.

However, there was one person who was always consistent. What they said was what they did. They stuck by their boundaries and wouldn't let me cross them. This is what helped me heal.

Whilst you are 'helping' your daughter, is this preventing her from seeing that she needs to reach out for help herself?

You may want to start with Australian BPD Foundation to see if you can find any helpful services in your area.

Just to let you know, as much as BPD ruled my life for many years, I've come out the other end. It's been an incredible journey and I've learnt so much from it.

Hang in there @Turtle-25 . BPD recovery is very possible, but the adult will need to WANT to recover.

Hey 👋🏼 @Turtle-25 How you doing?

Hi Glisten

Thank you for your kindness and reaching out. I am fluctuatiing between acceptance and sadness. When you can't have a discussion with someone that allows all perspectives to be aired makes it very difficult. Telling the entire story here would be like writing war and peace, so it's hard to provide context. I want to understand why my daughter feels like she does, but just as important for me that she understands she is not alone. Most parents do the best they can at the time under their own circumstances, with the resources they have, while carrying their own traumas. Becoming aware that she has many BPD traits may explain some of the why, but it doesn't make coping with it any easier (at this stage anyhow). And if removing me from her life is the only way she can "build" her life I will have to respect and accept that. I guess it is just one day at a time.

Hi Tyme

Thank you for your honest input. I can see and hear my daughter is hurting. And I have owned my contribution to her pain.

We have had an incredibly close relationship for many years. Unfortunately she has had to rely on me financially and with help with her children because she is unable to maintain friendships or relationships. She is a recluse, hates the world, doesn't trust people.

I can understand that having to rely on me would be difficult for her, as she feels she has no control over her life. But I also see a person who will blame others for her circumstances rather than take control of even the smallest things. I understand enabling and have attempted to do that as much as possible rather than help, but with little success.

She believes she is not worth anything, which is why she feels she has been abandoned. As an observer what I see are behaviour traits that people can't "cope" with over time and ultimatley push people away. So she creates her own self-fulfilling prophecy.

What she sees and dislikes in other people's behaviours and the impacts on her seems to be acceptable for her to do to others. Does that make sense?

As I do not have BPD I could be totally wrong with these perspectives and any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

How does she turn her life around?

Is mediation of any benefit?

She is getting support on a weekly basis (mostly). And has been for some time. But nothing seems to be changing.

Thank you again for taking the time to listen, care and importantly give me constructive feedback.