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BPD and impact on family and partner-burnt out

WestermannContributor08 Apr 2026, 10:14 am AEST

BPD and impact on family and partner-burnt out

Hi there,

The roller coaster ride has continued over the forty or so years we have been together, it has been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. It has blighted our household and damaged relationships both within the family and outside it. My partner appears oblivious to the harm it has caused. I have attempted at various times to find answers and possible solutions to what has been going on in our relationship since the outset. At one point in the late 80s after already spending years being both a sounding board and whipping-boy I carefully suggested (as gently as possible) that I couldn't go on acting as a therapist and that she needed to seek professional help. She saw a psychiatrist briefly and nothing was resolved or dealt with that had a positive impact on her or her behaviours unfortunately.

I had a complete breakdown a few years before Covid that I can only attribute to the situation within our relationship, it was shattering in the extreme and I have only recently felt that I could wean myself off the antidepressants I was prescribed. I left paid employment after 30 years in the job just on the cusp of the pandemic and find myself now at 66 wandering the house, talking to myself, as I try to rationalise where to from here. My partner is still working full-time at 60 and has had little time for any other form of engagement outside this, I think that it must provide a lynchpin to keep her anchored to some form of reality. Having said that, her professional relationships as much as her relationships with family and friends has been fraught.

I looked into the possible causes of her baffling behaviour quite some years ago and BPD seemed to be a real possibility. I know I am not a professional but there are so many parallels that align with her responses to people and life in general that having recently revisited the online sources for this disorder I am certain that it meets virtually all of the criteria. The major issue with achieving a diagnosis for this condition is that the individual (my wife) has no insight into her situation. She has profound issues with what she would see as the blame/guilt associated with any form of counselling or therapy, to suggest that she may need to seek help would almost certainly trigger another massive argument and I don't think I can bear to have that happen...

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In response to: BPD and impact on family and partner-burnt out

WestermannContributor25 May 2026, 9:57 am AEST

Re: BPD and impact on family and partner-burnt out

Back again after a long hiatus. It would be great to report that things have changed for the better but the status quo continues I'm afraid.

I had my appointment with Carers Australia and was fortunate to have a very empathetic and caring counsellor who listened to my story intently and seemed to take on board my observations and experience. This always comes with the caveat from me that they (the counsellor, GP or friend) is only hearing my version of events, in other words my side of the story. Naturally my suspicion that my partner has a form of BPD is the opinion of a lay person. I didn't expect that the counsellor would accept my interpretation but seemed to agree that the traits on display were aligned with BPD and its variations.

He was quite open about how problematical the condition is and how some practices (in the past) had been reluctant to take on patients with the more extreme versions of it as it had had a profound effect on the health professionals themselves (something that shocked and surprised me). I made an appointment in two weeks time to discuss things further and how I could move forward (or not).

I also had a follow up with my GP who seems quite concerned, to put it mildly, with my state of mind and the distress I am feeling at this point in time. She felt that in her experience (and it would seem that she has dealt with other patients with similar concerns to mine) I had pretty much reached the end of my tether. I was in tears on and off during the appointment especially when I trotted out to her that I love my wife and care very much for her and her state of well-being. She believed that her state of denial was so entrenched after a lifetime together that it would be extremely hard to turn the ship around. She echoed my own feelings in that I either sought some other avenue of getting her to go into therapy/counselling or, considering my stage of life, start to accept that I should probably move on.

She did mention that a local practice has a clinical psychologist offering a new approach to couples therapy that was attracting some attention. I have been a bit dubious about receiving couples counselling previously as I don't believe that the issue in our relationship is based on incompatibility or communication problems etc. My GP reassured me that if there were issues that related to my wife's condition that they would become apparent to the practitioner during the course of the sessions. It's quite expensive but I would be willing to try anything to get a resolution on this....

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