BPD and impact on family and partner-burnt out

@Westermann

No there has never been any acknowledgement of the DV behaviors. We also pretty much flip over step 3.

If anything the script is flipped with the belief that I am the aggressor and the problem 🥹

Zero insight during an episode and seemingly no memory of events after the fact.

@Determined It's bloody hard is it not? Actually impossible. Your episodes with your darling sound like they've been quite physical at times, the amnesiac component of BPD seems to be textbook or is it a wilful inability to acknowledge the seriousness of what just happened? Interesting how the third step of the process doesn't happen with you either, I sympathise with you. I think that BPD seems to be a syndrome that doesn't at its core follow any "normal" pattern of behaviour or mode of thinking, at least in my experience.

In my case it seems to be both, "she goes somewhere else" in her mind I think when the red fog descends. It happened to me yet again prior to my first post on the forum, after another stupid escalation of a trivial matter from 0-100 that continued on for quite some time. Very heated, her demanding that I acknowledge that I been unable to see her point of view, which as always is repeated again and again hoping for another response from me when the injustice was forced on me by her actions.

Ultimately I have fallen into the trap of trying to rationalise things when I should have stepped back, agreed with her and defused the situation, during these episodes she disassociates from the situation, eventually closes down, looks away refusing to make eye contact and generally seems on another plane. This time it wasn't a meltdown of the chair throwing or slamming her bag on the floor or door slamming variety but I'm feeling like I have PTSD after so many other episodes, I'm almost bracing myself for it...

@Westermann

For us, the biggest key was inflexible boundaries. The way a counsellor explained this to me is that it creates a feeling of security for someone who cant navigate emotions.

The implementation was not ideal but it made a difference when I followed through.

For me the follow through was hard, because when someone is hurting I just want to fix it. As a result accept behaviors that are not ok.

I now refuse to engage with disrespectful behavior. When I receive text messages at work with threats of self harm (or worse) or even implied threats, I ignore them.

This is real hard as there was an event approaching 10 years ago where I went and hid to remove myself from a conflict situation, that resulted in an emergency admission. One of the children found her after making a poor choice.

@Determined

It's so good to hear that boundary-setting has been successful for dealing with the day-to-day rigours of life in a BPD household. You have had to contend with impossibly difficult situations that have manifested time and time again and would break most people, you've done an amazing job from where I'm sitting. That last paragraph broke my heart, so difficult, so damaging.

People talk about "walking on eggshells" in relation to life with a BPD individual which is pretty apt, sometimes I tell myself it's like "living under the volcano", like the residents of Mt Etna, you never know when it's going to blow. I say "tell myself" because at the moment there's no one else in the picture, I"m still grappling with making the appointment with the GP to explain what has been going on for so long and how to go about getting a diagnosis.

Cut and pasted this from the interweb: Under DSM-IV, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is defined as a pervasive pattern of instability in relationships, self-image, and emotions, alongside marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood. Diagnosis requires at least five of nine specific criteria, including intense abandonment fears, unstable relationships, identity disturbance, impulsivity, self-harm, and chronic emptiness.

Indicated by five (or more) or the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5)
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating
   between extremes of idealisation and devaluation
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving) (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5)
5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper,
   constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

I think my partner has 7 or 8 of the identifying criteria (with the SH aspect in Criterion 5 not being the case) but otherwise at various times most examples are met.

I know that this is hardly news for people on the forum like yourself who have been grappling with this either personally or with their significant other. Nor is it meant to stigmatise someone who suffers from this condition, but it is helpful to home in on the nature and extent of these behaviours in order to deal with them or at least that's what I tell myself...

@Westermann it is a long and lonely road supporting or walking along side someone living with this curse.

I have had to disassociate the illness from the person during times of crises.

We would easily meet 6 or 7 of those criteria at the moment but have absolutely filled all 9 currently in peak times 🥺

I don't feel very resilient particularly at the moment. But was encouraged over the weekend by someone who thought I was. Perhaps I make my real feelings better than I thought.

Not sure if this is normal but I find it harder when things are 'level' and I say level loosely in the sense that it is our version of functional....

During these times highlights for me the gap. During a crisis I move into autopilot (think system 1 system 2 actions).

and do what needs to be done, breath at a time, no time to think about myself. Not sure if that resonates or not.

And to be clear, I am safe, always have been, always will be. The biggest risk for me is chronic fatigue and relapse to burnout.

That is all about adequate self care, and engaging in support networks, here on same forum, a small accountability group (Christian/ church centred), and trying to exercise and eat consistently.

For me the highest value service I have engaged with has béen carer coaching. This was through carers Queensland and wellways. (I think wellways may have a presence in tas ). I was linked in with this when an aging parent was moving to age care and I was dragged along that process as an unwilling participant trying to keep them at home. Dr and social worker took that out of my hands 🥺

But it was quickly established by the service providers that said parent was the least of my worries.

Either way it may be worth looking into.

I'm am not sure of the referral process as it was all done for me, even the bit I was supposed to do myself was heavily supported.

@Determined Sorry for the long pause after your (as always) thoughtful post. The long and lonely road is something that particularly resonates with me. I think that the extremely difficult nature of what you are having to deal with on a day-to-day basis would be too much for most people, myself included.

The walking on eggshells metaphor appears to be common to us both, when things are seemingly calm between "episodes" I also feel unsettled because the triggers are so abstract and random that I don't know how to pre-empt them or avoid them. You can see glimmers of an escalation starting to emerge and then you try desperately to avoid things ramping up. This almost always happens when there is any stress in my partner's life particularly at work.

The defining difference between our situations is that there is no question that your household (with you at its centre) have had to make major adjustments to accommodate the BPD individual in its midst. But there is at least recognition by the sufferer and others outside the family that there is a problem. My partner's BPD manifestation on the other hand could almost be defined as "high-functioning". She remains in full-time employment, we have a social life and numerous friends, everything superficially seems "normal". It's very much a Jekyll and Hyde situation, the outside world for the most part doesn't see her behaviour and responses and the damage these have done.

Anyway I've been trying to kick myself up the bum and be proactive in terms of getting a formal diagnosis. I've booked a long appointment with our GP and I am hopeful that she can give me some pointers in terms of how to achieve this outcome without triggering a full-blown meltdown.

A friend dropped in impromptu a couple of days ago and we had a pleasant chat about normal day-to-day things but before he left he asked about the renovation work I'd been doing and was it still the case that we were thinking of moving/buying somewhere else. I really struggled with an answer and couched it in terms of it depended on where my partner and I were headed in our relationship. And then I just spewed it out, the whole BPD thing (or whatever it transpires to be) and the effect it had had on us. I felt desperately guilty and disloyal at bringing up some of the awfulness of what had been played out in our home. I've never done this with anyone before and it was probably a good thing but then I felt upset and concerned at subjecting someone else to our personal situation.

These conversations have had to be kept from my wife as the consequences would be potentially explosive. I've got an appointment with Carers Association in our state in May (in fact had booked it before coming across the SANE site), so I take on board the positive results you've had from them and the carer coaching. Hopefully the length my posts on here will diminish as some kind of resolution or roadmap becomes possible, again, I thank you for your level of perception...

@Westermann

For me part of my journey of acknowledging the extent of our situation was discussions here on the forums. As you have mentioned talking about it felt incredibly disloyal. The anon nature of these forums made it possible.

And even then I used to pre-qualify all of my early posts with

I love my wife, this is not an attack, I am just trying to learn how to help her.

Only a small handful of close friends know the full extent of our journey. Even family don't fully understand and think it is all just attention seeking.

At the end of the day the people we love need to firstly accept they need help, and subsequently want to do something about it. And accept we are there to help and support.

And in my experience expecting someone to just engage in and follow through with therapy is a bit simplistic when some days getting out of bed and getting dressed is an achievement 🤷

Then extending that grace creates a good excuse for bad behavior

The saying between a rock and a hard place comes to mind.

Unrelated to our discussion I am finding myself quite anxious about all of this at the moment. I actually did a post of my own a couple of weeks ago then deleted it because it made no sense. What you have shared and some other discussions have actually helped.

@Determined Another big hiatus between posts, apologies if it feels like I've bailed on this, your last post affected me quite a lot. The idea that perhaps this conversation has made certain issues resurface and cause discomfit or anxiety for you was difficult for me to bear, I know that you say it was more a generalised state of anxiety unrelated to this discussion but I still really felt for you.

I had my GP (long) appointment a week ago now and it was troubling but necessary I guess under the circumstances. A period of calm has persisted since the last episode so to discuss the situation at hand as it manifests at the moment felt a bit strange i.e. problem what problem? They had helped me navigate the breakdown I had some 8 years ago and have been a very sympathetic ear in terms of crisis, quite even-handed and professional but with a human touch. At these times a sense of disloyalty rises up in me, the need to keep a session like this secret, I hate secrets🙁. They obviously couldn't give me any explicit pathway to follow, the fact that my partner will not and has not sought professional help makes the situation entrenched (GP's words) and they also said that the decades of denial will make therapy more problematical. To fix a problem you first have to acknowledge that the problem is real and that it affects you and others in your immediate circle, not exactly ground-breaking news I know!

I just feel very torn up at the moment, the unshakeable belief/realisation that my partner has BPD (or another condition that mimics it very closely) has been probably the biggest turning point in my life. My GP gently suggested that (to her) it seemed that I had reached the end of my tether, and that separation seemed a likely outcome having listened to my tale of woe. Financially it would be a pretty bad choice at this stage of our lives, and on an emotional level I can't imagine how it would be bearable, particularly for my partner. The practice contacted me to arrange another long appointment for Friday of this week, and I've got a Carers Australia appointment tomorrow morning with a counsellor to talk to them about my situation.

I find it very hard to focus on the day-to-day stuff at the moment, its probably my imagination but things on the home front feel awkward too. I have to stop myself ruminating endlessly about the potential outcome of the clandestine world I now inhabit. I got her keep-cup of coffee organised this morning (first day back at work at the school after the term break), helped carry her bags down to the car and hugged her goodbye. She said yesterday that "it's not fair I have to go back to work tomorrow" and again this morning "back to the coal-face" without a touch of humour or irony, having just had the Easter break and then a further two week break. It sounds petty but 12 weeks paid leave a year would be inconceivable to most workers in Australia. Never happy with her lot, a stable relationship then a push to buy a house, marriage, then children, a well-paid job, nothing ultimately fill that emptiness inside. I know its the syndrome talking, not her conscious mind, but the negativity grinds away at you when you faced with it every single day of your life...

@Westermann

The conversation has helped more than create discomfort. It has helped to line up and articulate some emotions that I have been working through.

Even with a diagnosis finding a pathway can be difficult. Trust the carers Aus appointment is beneficial. IT was for me when engaging with carer coaching. That was easier for me to have a cover story because the initial referral was on account of supporting my father in law. (Referral by hospital social worker). Intake team quickly decided dad was the least of my troubles after some background questions. To which I thought my questions were carefully vague. It was however a beneficial exercise.

@Determined Glad to hear that you are finding some positivity, it must be really hard/impossible at times navigating your way through all this stuff. I take onboard your thoughts regarding Carers Aus, I'm curious to hear their insights into strategies and avenues to explore. Had a friend drop in to today who is hurting badly after his own long-term marriage break-up, he hit the bottle as his solace before and intermittently afterwards, is still struggling but a very different set of circumstance to my own (and yours I think). I was glad to hear that he is going to get some help from a "talking doctor". I tried to explain a little of my situation but I think he found it difficult to reconcile the same person (my partner) with the person he perceives her to be. I think that will be a common thread with most of the friends in our group...