Confused

Hey @FeelingStuck

I wanted to wish you a warm welcome to the forums! I am really glad that you decided to reach out. It takes a massive amount of self-awareness to recognise when our emotional tank is running low, and it takes even more courage to talk about it so openly 💚

It truly is such a confusing spot to be in when the actual time spent together is lovely, but the "getting there" feels like a chore. Your idea to stop reaching out for a while is one way to get clarity on the situation, but not in a direct way, like having a conversation about your feelings and concerns. If they do reach out because they've noticed the silence/distance, that's good. But if they don't, well, that gives you back the time and energy you've been spending on them to use for yourself.

Another point I want to make is that family connections are uniquely difficult, especially when there is a history of a chaotic household. When someone does tell you thaat you aren't a "good sister" despite your massive efforts, or makes hurtful comments about your future, it is often a reflection of their own internal struggles rather than an actual truth about you. I know you mentioned still reaching out on birthdays and Christmas. This is a strategy many people use called Low Contact. It allows you to keep the door a tiny bit open, for your own peace of mind, without leaving yourself vulnerable to daily/weekly/monthly disappointment.

As to whether it is worth it, I am afraid that only you can truly answer that. But remember that you are allowed and have the right to protect your peace. Just because someone is family doesn't mean they have the right to hurt you.

Since seeing a therapist isn't an option right now, these forums are certainly a great place to start unpacking some of those thoughts and feelings, as you have already done. It is okay to feel overwhelmed. You've been playing and maintaining the role of the "pursuer" in almost all your connections, and that is such an exhausting and isolating place to be.

I have a question for you to think about. If you took just half of the energy you usually spend on reaching out to others and spent it on something that makes you feel grounded and happy this week, what would that look like for you? 💚

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.

Your response was really helpful and I think from here, I’ll leave it up to my “friends”. If they reach out, they reach out if they don’t, they don’t. And not all friendships last forever.

And the same applies to my sister. Keep it at low contact. Think I need to start to protecting myself and next time she says something hurtful/ unkind. Maybe I should say something?

In terms of your question, I’d spend the time doing things that I want to do. Like reading in bed with a cup of tea, or watching my favourite show. Organising a solo holiday is another one.

@FeelingStuck I have experienced similar issues with people not making an effort. I think it was mainly self esteem issues with these people so in the end I stopped reaching out. I decided if people valued me they would be more invested in the friendship/relationship and would be more active in my life. I wouldnt worry about it. I would just start moving in different circles with people who share your interests. Dont try and force friendships just let them happen naturally. If you do make friends with new people you can tell them what you expect from them and mention people have let you down in the past. Once a habit is ingrained its very hard to change relationship dynamics so I would discuss this openly from the beginning so you dont set yourself up for failure with new friendships with the same patterns. What do you like doing and are there groups you can attend to be around people and feel less alone in the meantine? I'm almost 60 years old and it gets harder as you get older. You have youth on your side. Please dont let it get to you just move in circles where you are welcomed. It may just be an issue of correctness of fit

@FeelingStuck

It's really empowering to hear that shift in your perspective. There is a real sense of clarity in your decision to let those friendships find their own level. As you beautifully put it, not all friendships are meant to last forever, and realising that can actually be a huge relief 💚

It is also really brave of you to protect yourself when it comes to your sister. Transitioning to low contact is a big step. And just on your thought about saying something when she is unkind, many people find that "I-statements" and boundary scripts very helpful. These allow you to stand up for yourself without getting pulled into a long argument. For example, you could say, "That comment was hurtful, and I'm going to take a break from this conversation."

I will say that reading in bed with a cup of tea sounds perfect, and a solo holiday sounds like a wonderful adventure to have! 💚

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had similar experiences.

It definitely makes you feel undervalued and that’s great advice. Thanks 🙂 .

I’ve done some research into places or groups around my area but there doesn’t seem to be any or they are very far away. But I’ll keep looking! @SmilingGecko

Thank you for the great help. ☺️.

I think I’ve been struggling with my sister more recently is because I think I’m starting to grieve the relationship. There are moments in films or books where there are sisters and they are really close and I’ve never had that. I have to accept that she won’t change but I also get upset about the way she treats others in the family. She’s very entitled and even our aunt thinks she’s a narcissist… She lives at home with our parents and her two children and doesn’t contribute much and thinks she shouldn’t. And I’ve tried to talk to her about this stuff and to show gratitude. She’ll say things like mum and dad never help her, never buy her things, never does anything. It sounds harsh but she’s delusional about the reality of her situation. And my parents are getting older. And it’s not fair on them and yeah, we had a crappy childhood but there are people out there who have had so much worse. I’m so sick of her playing the victim. But I don’t know what to do with my anger 😔 @MatchaToad

@FeelingStuck

I want you to know that it is completely valid to feel angry when you see her being "delusional" about the support she receives, especially while your parents are getting older. It would feel fundamentally unfair 💚

Often, we try to "logic" people into being grateful or seeing reality, but if she is set in her ways, then it's very likely that she would reject any evidence to the contrary. I know you mentioned trying to talk to her about showing gratitude. But when someone has this sense of entitlement, the conversations you try to have usually leave you drained and her feeling more "attacked." It might be time to protect your own energy by stopping attempts to change her perspective; it is up to her to realise that change is needed and to take that action.

It really sounds like you feel a responsibility to protect your parents. While that comes from a place of love, remember that your parents are also adults who make their own choices about what they tolerate in their home. It is okay to separate your relationship with your parents from her relationship with them.

Since you mentioned you don't know what to do with your anger, some people find it helpful to write a "burn letter" This is a letter where you write down everything you're feeling, letting it all out, and then safely destroy it. I wonder if that is something you might be interested in trying?

I think it's important to remember that you can't control her entitlement, her parenting or her "delusions". You can only control how much of your mental space she occupies 💚

@MatchaToad

You’re right that I need to accept that she won’t change. 😢. I do struggle and maybe it’s because I care about other people to much or aware if I hurt someone. We are very different people and our values are different and I think I struggle with that. Seeing people being treated badly really hurts a nerve with me.

I always feel the need to protect them and I think it does come from a place of love but also from a very young age being conditioned by them to feel responsible for them.

I’ve never done a burn letter. Have heard of them and that would be something to try. It could be rather therapeutic.

I need to find a way to let go of how much of my energy she occupies. It’s not healthy. 😔.

Thank you. The advice has been helpful. ☺️.

@FeelingStuck

I can really feel that weight of responsibility in your words 💚

It is heartbreaking when we realise, as much as we want to, that we can't protect everyone, especially when it's the people we love and care about who are making choices that hurt them in the long run. It's a difficult thing to come to terms with.

It's quite a profound realisation that you were conditioned from a young age to feel responsible for others; it's something I can deeply relate to from growing up. When we are taught that others' happiness or peace is our job/priority, it genuinely feels like a betrayal to stop carrying it. I want to try to remind you that you are not "hurting" your family by stepping back; you are allowing everyone to take responsibility for their own lives.

I'm really glad that you're open to trying the burn letter! I find it especially therapeutic because you don't have to use a filter, you can express anger, pain, sadness, etc., without judgment or censorship. And the act of physically destroying the paper, I find, symbolises no longer carrying those feelings or thoughts in your body.

I will say that letting go of that mental space takes a lot of practice; you can't just do it in one day. Every time you find yourself spiralling into thoughts about your sister's entitlement, try to catch yourself and say, "I cannot change her reality, so I am going to bring my focus back to my own reality." Then, you can pivot to doing something you enjoy, or even plan out that solo holiday for yourself 💚

@MatchaToad

It’s a very difficult thing to come to terms with.

It definitely feels like a betrayal. It feels like I’m letting them down. I thought it would come easier as I’m not living in the same city, let alone country. But I feel more out of control especially when I hear of something crap that my sister has done. Some of anger is not just my own. I think I just value empathy and compassion and seeing someone who doesn’t value it upsets me. Or rather I just don’t understand why.

Sorry to hear about your similar experience. It’s hard carrying that burden.

I’m definitely going to try that burning of a letter! It would be like releasing the toxins from the body.

That’s a great quote. Stopping, reminding myself and then re-focusing.