Unhealthy friendships and setting boundaries

Hey @SaltwaterSoul

I want to start by saying thank you for sharing your story with us, and I want to acknowledge how much courage it takes to begin that journey of self-reflection. Realising that a 15-year friendship might not be what you thought it was would absolutely feel like the ground is shifting beneath your feet, especially when you've already been through a period where things felt like they were falling apart 💚

It sounds like this friend is deflecting by focusing entirely on her own sadness and how "people are leaving" her, essentially bypassing the boundary you set. This would absolutely make you feel unheard and guilty for having needs. Her saying that she "didn't agree" with your experience or claiming you hadn't shared your diagnosis before can make you second-guess everything. This is a way of avoiding accountability. And her asking how your day was immediately after you asked for space seems to be a way of testing the boundaries again, seeing if the "old" version of the friendship can be resumed without her needing to change.

I know you mentioned questioning if you were clear enough, and I want to assure you that if you stated your need for space and she ignored it, the issue there is not your communication; it's her ability to respect your need for space. Feeling mean or guilty when setting a boundary is a real sign that you are infact breaking an old, unhealthy boundary, and it is scary. It doesn't mean you've done the wrong thing; you can see it in the way of doing something new.

I also want to remind you that you do not owe anyone an immediate response. You have the right to ask for and have your space. You are not responsible for managing her reactions to setting that boundary. That is her work to do, just as you are doing in therapy.

It sounds like your Psychologist is a great support to have in your life. Continuing to lean on them while you navigate these growing pains is so important!

From my own experience, as the space away from unhealthy dynamics grows, you start to find more room for people who truly listen when you speak, show up when things get hard, and, importantly, respect your boundaries and autonomy. It is such a painful transition, but you are prioritising your own wellbeing, and that in itself is a massive win.

Sending you lots of peace and strength 💚

@MatchaToad

I really appreciate your response, I actually read it twice. It brought me a sense of relief to hear someone else’s perspective and experience. Lately, I’ve found it difficult to know how to think about things, especially with a gap between therapy sessions, where I’m left sitting with these thoughts on my own and questioning whether I’ve handled things the “right” way.💛

I wasn’t sure if what I shared would make sense here, so I’m really grateful you took the time to respond. I’m starting to realise that a lot of my life has been shaped by certain family members, and in this case, friendship dynamics that I didn’t recognise at the time. Looking back, I often blamed myself. I carried this belief that it was always me, that I was wrong, not normal, or that something was wrong with me.

It feels like I’m a child again, going back to school and learning how to read or write. Every therapy session feels like a lesson in basic life skills. Basic life skills I wish my parents had taught and supported me in, things that well-supported children usually grow up learning. I often feel completely drained and exhausted. At the same time, I feel scared of trying to build a healthier life and giving myself a real chance at it, because I’ve never really allowed myself to believe that was possible. I’ve been stuck in cycles of deep sadness for so long, and now that I’m trying for real, it feels very unfamiliar and scary. 😟 But here I am anyway...giving it a go. The amount of positive change I’ve experienced since starting therapy is honestly mind-blowing, especially compared to spending over 30 years trying to navigate life on my own. It’s also been very challenging having to bring up suppressed memories I never wanted to confront, yet I find myself doing that work anyway. 🤔

@SaltwaterSoul

It is incredibly moving to hear you describe this process as "learning to read or write" for the first time. That is such a profound way to put it. When we don't get those emotional blueprints as children, we have to try to build a whole house ourselves as adults, while we're already living in it essentially. It is no wonder that you are feeling drained! 💚

I want to remind you that everything you are feeling, from the exhaustion, the fear of a "healthier life", and even the grief of missing those basic life skills, is a normal part of this "second childhood" healing.

It might sound awfully strange to someone who hasn't been there, but health and peace can feel so terrifying when all you've ever known is chaos. If deep sadness has been in your home for 30 years, it is familiar to you. Even if it hurts, you know how to survive it after all those years. Stepping into a healthier life is like moving to a country where you don't yet speak the language. Something I'll add is that when things start to go well, or you start to set boundaries effectively, there can be this lingering anxiety that says it's all too good to be true or that you're doing it wrong because it feels different from what you've gotten used to.

When you are sitting there with those heavy thoughts between therapy appointments, it's easy for that old "I'm the problem" inner voice to get very loud. When you find this happening, try to remember:

• There is no perfect way to heal; no one is grading you on how well you do it. The pure fact that you're giving it a go despite being scared is the highest form of success and courage.
• The exhaustion you experience is real, confronting those suppressed memories is draining work, and it is okay that some days your only "achievement" is just being kind to yourself while you process the memories.
• Your inner child is learning! When you feel like you're back at school learning basic skills, try to give yourself the same patience a teacher would give their student. No one should expect a child to learn something in a single day, so show yourself some grace and take your time with things.

It is truly mind-blowing to hear how much positive change you've seen already. That is a true testament to your resilience. You've spent three decades navigating a difficult map, and now you're finally drawing a new one.

When you do find yourself questioning if you've handled things the right way, what is one thing you could say to yourself to feel a little bit more grounded until your next therapy session? 💚

@MatchaToad

Not sure why, but for some reason I can’t click on the support button, I couldn’t yesterday and I still can’t today.☹️ But thank you again for another inspiring response. It’s truly helpful, and something I can come back to and read again.

It sounds like you’ve gone through this journey yourself and come out the other side, in a way. How long did it take for you to start feeling more at peace after that transformation? I know it probably never feels 100%, but when did you begin to feel a bit “better”?🙏

It’s a good question, I don't really know, still figuring that out I guess but I try to remind myself that it’s done now and I can’t change it. I stayed true to myself for once, change feels scary, but I did my best. Now the ball is in the other person’s court.

I did end up replying to my friend and overexplaining my diagnosis again, which I probably didn’t need to do. But I’m still learning.. I think it came from wanting to feel understood even though I feel that I was very clear, I somehow felt that I needed to be even more clear. I’ve left it for a few days now which used to be impossible and don’t plan on checking it anytime soon, as it still feels a bit triggering for me. 😣

@cozy_726

Thank you for responding to my post. I seem to be having trouble with the support button, it hasn’t been working for me lately. 🙁

I’m really happy to hear that you’ve found the strength and courage to choose yourself over unhealthy relationships. That feeling of walking on eggshells is so familiar, and I truly wish no one had to experience that.

I appreciate your honesty. I feel like I’m in the middle of that process, recognising what’s happening, learning what to do, and figuring out how to choose myself while also grieving the relationships I needed but may have to let go of. That includes not just a long-term friend, but family as well.

I hope you’re surrounded by kind people today 💛

@SaltwaterSoul

It's so relatable that you had to go back and explain the diagnosis again. That's pretty much what you would call over-explaining, because we hope that if we just find the perfect combination of words, the other person will finally get it and give us the reaction we need. It is a very human thing to do when you're still learning that you can't control their understanding, only your delivery 💚

But take notice of the massive win here, you've left it for a few days! For someone used to those old cycles, that is a huge milestone. You are protecting your peace by not checking for a response, and that's a "basic life skill" you're already mastering!

To answer your question about when it starts to feel better, I will say you're absolutely right, it is rarely a 100% "feeling". I like to compare it to the weather; at first, it feels like you're living in a constant storm of guilt and confusion. And for many of us who have walked or are currently walking this path, the "better" starts to show up in small, quiet ways.

Those small quiet ways can look like the guilty feeling that shows up becomes shorter (imstead of a week of guilt, it might only last a day), you start to realise that someone else's reaction (like your friend's sadness or silence) is their responsibility, not a reflection of your worth, and also the silence starts to feel safer, having that space doesn't feel empty or lonely, it feels like room to breathe.

There really isn't a set timeline, but usually, once you stop trying to "fix" how other people see you, a lot of that heavy exhaustion starts to lift. You've already done the hardest part by being true to yourself for once.

I'm also sorry to hear about the technical issues with the support button. You can always report it to technical support here, or I sometimes click the support button on my phone rather than my laptop because it seems to mess up at times, haha. But don't let that add to your stress; the most important thing is that we can still have our conversation here.

I know you mentioned that staying true to yourself felt scary, but you did your best. Now that the ball is in her court and you've stepped back, what are you doing to be extra kind to yourself today? 💚

@MatchaToad

It’s working again!!👍

I definitely feel like I’ve been going down a really tough road, not just with my friend, but in general. When you start taking steps toward a healthier life, it almost feels like the toxic people around you pull even harder. I have to really focus on staying on my own path and putting my energy into myself.

It does feel a bit lonely at this stage, but I’m hopeful that I’m moving towards something better.

I really like the weather explanation too, it’s such a helpful way to look at things. I’ve started writing “weekly highlights” in my diary, even if they’re really small moments that made me feel happy. It’s so easy to focus on the negatives, so writing them down helps remind me that there were positive moments too.

I’ve also noticed, after about a year at my volunteer work, how much easier it is to be around non-toxic people. I can just be myself without overthinking everything I say or do. I don’t go home and analyse every conversation, and there’s no hot-and-cold dynamic. It's consistency. It's just simple and positive interactions, and I feel genuinely appreciated. I’m starting to realise how much lighter that feels vs the feeling of being constantly on edge. It still feels very unusual to me... but it's such a big difference.

@SaltwaterSoul

That is such a profound realisation, the weight we don't even know we're carrying until we step into a space where we finally don't have to 💚

Finding that consistency in your volunteer work is a beautiful glimpse into what the rest of your life can look like. It's like finding an oasis after being in the desert, and of course, it feels unusual at first! Your nervous system is learning how to move from "survival mode" into "safety mode."

You've certainly hit the nail on the head regarding people "pulling harder." When you've been a reliable emotional outlet for someone else, your growth could threaten their comfort. When you stop playing the old role, they will often try to increase the pressure to get things back to how they used to be.

Staying on your own path when that's happening is incredibly hard work, but you're doing it. That loneliness you mentioned is often just the "quiet" that comes when the chaos stops. It's a transition period, and it is okay to sit with that feeling while you wait for healthier connections to fill that space.

I love your weekly highlights idea. It's a perfect way to retrain your brain to notice the light! It really sounds like your volunteer work is giving you a reference point for what healthy looks like. When you start to doubt yourself or your boundaries with your old friend, you can look at the team and remind yourself, "This is how it's supposed to feel. It can be this simple."

You've mentioned that this new lightness feels unusual. When you're at your volunteer work or writing those highlights, do you notice a physical difference in how your body feels (like in your shoulders, chest, etc) compared to when you're dealing with that long-term friendship?

Thank you for being so open about your journey. It certainly helps others realise that they are not alone in these growing pains 💚