waiting for help is killing me

@Invi thank you so much. I understand the existential angst. It's one of the reasons I need to be alone. If I'm around people too much and emot as one should (we regulate our emotions by expressing them to the people we talk to, our friends and family, so when we "rant" we are just regulating our emotions, known as emoting) it becomes existential to them at some point and they start to drift away.

The thing that gave me the traction to move was a book by Albert Camus "The myth of Sisyphus"

In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was the cunning, deceitful king of Ephyra (Corinth) who was eternally punished in the underworld for his hubris and attempts to trick the gods. His punishment involved rolling a massive boulder up a hill, only for it to roll back down, for eternity, representing futile, never-ending labor.

In the book Camus explores this myth and what it says about our existence. He goes onto suggests how we are able to go on in such circumstances.

Spoiler alert - What I took out of it was this... Sisyphus was able to accept his fate and even FIND MEANING in his existence by shrinking his world down to the smallest details he could. From the outside it looked like repeated drudgery and effort for no reason but internally for Sisyphus it was not like this. At the bottom of the hill, he would start his journey up, pushing the boulder as he went.

Everytime he placed his right hand on the boulder he would feel the grooves and raises and the pits in the uneven surface. And then he would do the same with his left hand and only when he had explored the texture under his hands would he push.

He would then step with his left foot and feel the mountain give just a little and he would explore how it moved under him on the step. Then he would move his right foot and do the same.

Everytime he touched that boulder he could "feel" the difference in it from the last time he had touched it. Every step he took, the earth beneath him moved slightly different.

When he reached the top and the boulder rolled down again, he would enjoy the little break as he walked down to meet the boulder and start again.

In this way Camus reframed Sisyphus as a hero who, in facing his meaningless, eternal task with awareness, ultimately triumphs over his circumstances.

As for the unanswerable questions of the universe, you are correct, you can not rationalise your way out of them. For my mind that is because the solution is often found in a paradox.

It can be uncomfortable to hold two diametrically opposed ideas in ones head. For example, if someone asks me if I'm happy. I can honestly say yes, I'm safe, I have shelter, I have food and, I have my dog. At the same time if they asked me if I'm sad. I can honestly say yes, there is war and starvation and not everyone gets to have a dog. It takes some practise but once you can hold two opposite ideas in the same space it is much easier to walk the middle path. And, the middle path is where the "good life" can be found.

I really enjoy these types of conversations and as a truth seeker I have had no choice but to clear these hurdles to progress further on my journey. I want to talk about it because it helps me internalise it further when I try to explain it.

So, please help me by sharing your thoughts. The community standards are there to protect people from harm. We are doing the opposite and I'm happy to mention @Nala2022 for their advice on how to proceed. Perhaps some type of warning at the top of a comment "The following comment contains detailed analysis of existential ideas

To keep such important conversations in the dark is only exacerbating the issue adding to the sense of isolation and loneliness.

I hope you managed a little bit of rest last night

Hello @Invi sorry to hear you arent doing well. Wanted to share something that might alleviate your intrusive thoughts. While I have not used this audio I have read testimony of people being trapped in thought spirals getting relief from them. I've used other Maitreya Fields audios to great success.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1E44OjqfyDE

I also use a rebounder which you may have seen online. Its a mini trampoline device that you jump on for health and fitness and lymph drainage. What people dont know is it has the effect of stopping rumination. You can read about it online. It will keep the space between your ears clear from ruminating thoughts.

Just some ideas. I hope you are feeling better soon and have more control over how you are feeling.

@i8myego thank you for this, its given me a lot to think about. i unfortunately got no rest last night but ill come back and make a full response when im rested and feeling better ❤️

@Invi I would like that but absolutely no pressure. It's ok not to respond as well. Do what is best for you.

i cant do this. i cant sleep anymore and its showing no signs of slowing down. its like im grieving everyone i love while they're still here. im gonna try and push for urgent help tomorrow but i dont know what anyone can do. i just want a break.

Good morning @Invi

I've just logged on this morning and felt to check in with you and see how you're feeling?

I hope that just maybe you got a little bit of sleep and that you are going to reach out for some support today like you mentioned in your post.

Are you thinking about seeing your GP perhaps?

Please let us know if there is any specific way we can support you today...

You probably have them but here are some useful numbers if you want/need to talk to someone.

Lifeline

Phone - Call 13 11 14

Chat – Visit

https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Beyond Blue

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/

Phone - Call 1300 22 4636

Chat - Visit https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor/chat

ListenWell - Wellways

Call 1300 111 500

You're not alone ok? We're here with you. Sending you all my best.

hopeful_hannah 💌

@hopeful_hannah thank you. im feeling a little better today but not great. i have an appointment with my occupational therapist in a few minutes. im hoping she can direct me to someone as its been weeks with no improvement and constant panic attacks.

@Invi Awesome...good to hear. I hope it's a good session with your O.T and she has some ideas.

🙏💌

Hey @Invi how are you travelling today? Was your OT appt helpful yesterday? 💜

Heya @Jynx thanks for checking in :).

I'm feeling better today. still not too good but I seem to be in a calmer period where it's more of a dull pain instead of full blown panic.

My OT was lovely too. she's getting me into the next available appointment with a psychiatrist and gave me emergency resources for until then. I dont think im out of the woods but im getting a break at least 🙂