i8myegoSenior Contributor
ADHD late in life diagnosis
Hello fellow voyagers,
I was diagnosed with ADHD 12 months ago at the age of 51 after having struggled my whole life.
I was raised by a single mother who, I believe, has undiagnosed CPTSD from having had a violent drunken father. Luckily for me she is a very loving women, unfortunately, she is cognitively "disrupted" which makes her "difficult".
As such, I had a free range upbring (much more so then regular gen X "latchkey" type). This was an amazing blessing as there was no "socialisation" pressure on me growing up in the eighties and coming of age in the nineties in the "frontier" of the Northern Territory.
Subjectively this can be interpreted as being a curse as I have suffered emensly which emotional dysregulation and intimate isolation my entire life. And, in terms of opportunity costs the price has been enormous. I do not see it that way, I feel very blessed.
My upbringing allowed me to carve my own path. Do my own thing. Which made me atleast interesting enough for some very good people to attach themselves to me in a way that I could find solice in their company on a regular bases. Even if they didn't quite understand me, they appreciate me.
This ability I have to "swim against the current" of society has afforded me a very unique perspective. If I'm being honest, I doubt I would be alive today if I had been well socialised. Because, the pressure that comes with that would have been more then I could have bared.
Without that pressure being present I was left alone to do "what had to be done" and not once has the ultimate solution ever looked even remotely attractive to me. And, I have suffered years in crisis, multiple times.
Before my diagnosis I had reached a level of mindfulness and "Peace with pain" that I am extremely proud of. However, my diagnosis shuffled the deck of cards I was playing with and threw my through a massive loop.
It was a great opportunity to confront reality on realities terms and I believe that is the key.
Separating social constructs designed to be usefully to neurotypical (those, lol) people from the realities faced by neurodivergent people. And not internalise the consequences of not being able to abiding by those social constructs, brings me peace. This is what I learnt after discovering I was (very) neurodivergent
Being open an honest will attract your tribe and repell those who are not. I'm responsible for my own emotional regulation (something I do very poorly) and if I find someone trying to deflect their own responsibilities onto me... well, I just let go of the reigns and the problem sorts itself out.
We are all responsible for our own regulation so I would suggest that you do not concern yourself with how other people react to you. Unless, they have some constructive criticism to give (or something funny to say) it's none of my business how people react to me
To me, that is freedom. And, if a life of pain has tought me anything freedom is much more tangible and consistently useful then any fleeting happiness.
My world shrunk to the bear minimum about 6 years ago (I went bankrupt 2 months before Covid and had moved back in with my now elderly mum who had moved away from my hometown 15 years earlier. Covid was a blessing to me) this certainly helped facilitate my "freedom" which is fine for a time (and may even be necessary) but now I want to "take this show on the road again" and actually live a life. For better or worse. And, talking on here is my first step.
I'm open to all conversations as I have my boundaries in good repair and I want to share in the hopes of doing some good and to practice regulating my emotions under real world conditions.
Peace and Strength to all who read this.
