Friendship and never knowing how to do it "right"

Hi,

This is my first time writing here, 18F. About a year ago, I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety and major depressive disorder. I've had depressive tendencies since I was a child, for many reasons, but anyway.

I don't know if it's because of these personal struggles, but I always find myself slipping into harmful patterns, especially in my relationships with others. I feel like I can never form good normal friendships without me always ruining them or showing that I'm too much. I feel like the more people get to know me the less they like me. And I don't know if it's because of "self-protection" strategies or I hate myself, so I act like I'm hateable, so they start treating me like that because that's how I treat myself. Or if it's simply I'm just too much.

I don't know if this is making sense, but I just feel so confused as to why I can never hold on to relationships. If it's just that I subconsciously push people away, purposefully or not. And I don't know what to do with that information! I don't know how to get better, to be a better, more normal friend, despite all my therapy and counselling and podcasts and whatever.

I'm getting repetitive at this point, I think but yeah I just always feel so alone, like no matter what, inevitably I will always turn back to this isolation and I don't know if there's any hope for me and my relationships.