Friendship and never knowing how to do it "right"

Hey @Eeyorelove5

It makes complete sense why you feel this way, and I don't think you're necessarily being repetitive; you're describing a very painful cycle that many people, including myself, with anxiety and depression, recognise. When we're young, there is so much pressure to have "normal" friendships, but when you've carried depressive tendencies since childhood, your "normal" has always included that layer of self-protection.

In your post, you hit on something really insightful, the idea that you might act "hateable" because that is how you feel internally. This essentially is "testing" the relationship. Subconsciously, we think, "If I show them the worst parts of me now and they leave, at least I controlled the timing of the rejection." It's a way to avoid being surprised by pain, but it leaves you feeling exhausted and alone, in my own experience.

I will say that when people say they feel they are "too much," it's actually because they are looking for a depth of connection that matches their own internal intensity. Anxiety makes us super hyper-aware of every tiny shift in tone or even how fast someone responds to us. What feels like "ruining" a friendship to you might just be your brain's overactive alarm system trying to keep you safe from a perceived distance.

Just touching on the therapy fatigue you have been experiencing, it is so frustrating when you've done the work (podcasts, counselling, books) and still feel like you're stuck in the same place. Real growth in friendships often isn't about "getting better" at being a friend; it's about finding people who aren't intimidated by your feelings. You don't have to be "normal" to be a good friend.

And I want to say that when you feel that inevitable pull back toward isolation, try to view it as your battery running low rather than a failure of your character. Isolation is a symptom of depression, not a fact of your future.

I want to share a gentle thought with you. If you could talk to your younger self, the one who first started feeling these depressive tendencies, would you tell her she was "too much," or would you see a kid who was just trying to survive some really hard feelings?

Sometimes, being a "better friend" starts with being a slightly more patient friend to yourself.

@MatchaToad Oh my gosh, thank you so much you are so helpful. I can't even put into words how much this made me feel. I really hope that like knowing the patterns I fall into will help me from falling into them again and again but yeah 😭

Tagging @MatchaToad for the post above from @Eeyorelove5 so you don't miss it

Isolation and loneliness is hard @Eeyorelove5 . I hear how hard things are for you when it comes to making and sustaining friendships.

I can totally relate as this was me for a LONG time. Honestly speaking, the 18 yr old age bracket is a difficult one. Well it was for me. It was a time I finished school and then moved to be 'independent'. I was lost in the big wide world. I didn't have a sense of identity or self.

I didn't know who I was or what I wanted - and I think this is what led to my depression and anxiety.

I just want you to know that you are not alone. It is very natural to want to be accepted and have a sense of belonging amongst a peer group. And yes, you're right - masking is EXHAUSTING!

Do you feel you have your own sense of identity at the moment?

There is hope.

@Eeyorelove5

I am so glad to hear that what I have said has been helpful to you!

It is such a massive relief when those internal "knots" finally start to get a name. Please don't be too hard on yourself if those patterns still show up sometimes; knowing they exist is like having a map of a stormy sea. You might still hit a wave, but at least now you know why the boat is rocking, if that makes sense.

The fact that you are feeling this shift is a huge deal! It means you're starting to separate who you are from what the anxiety does.

Since you mentioned hoping that this helps you stop the cycle, I wanted to give some strategies for the next time that "I'm too much" feeling starts to whisper:

Pause and Label: when you feel the urge to push someone away or act "hateable" to get the rejection over and done with, try to stop for just 10 seconds. Say to yourself, "This is my self-protection mapping, trying to 'save me' from a threat that might not even be there."

If you feel safe enough with a friend, you can be honest and tell them, "Hey, my anxiety sometimes makes me feel like I'm being too much, and I might get a bit quiet or defensive. It's just my brain trying to stay safe; it's not about you." Giving people the instruction manual for your brain can take so much of the pressure off.

You've got this! Healing isn't about never falling into that pattern again; it's about getting faster at recognising it and being gentler with yourself when you do.

@tyme I think I have a big sense of self-identity, like knowing who I am, but I don't think I ever have a sense of my identity or place in social settings. Like I'm always trying to live up to my best self or feeling stuck on the idea that everyone sees me as an outsider or my lowest parts if that makes sense

@MatchaToad Thank you so much again for the support, it helps me feel less alone. And practical steps are always super helpful, so tysm. I forgot to write it last, but you mentioned before that friendship isn't necessarily about being normal or perfect, I guess, but finding people who aren't intimidated by your feelings. Do you have any advice on finding these people?

Definitely makes sense @Eeyorelove5 . Then is it about finding your tribe, as opposed to inadvertantly "fit a square peg into a round hole"?

What are some things you enjoy doing or things that give you purpose and drive?

@Eeyorelove5

Ah yes, finding those people is the million-dollar question, isn't it? It's one thing to know those people exist, but it's another thing entirely to find them when you're currently feeling the way that you are.

The good news is that people who are not intimidated by big or complex feelings have those exact feelings themselves. They are often the ones who have spent time feeling like they were too much.

I recommend looking for low-stakes vulnerability. By that, I mean you don't have to share your life story with a person on day one. Instead, try gently testing the waters with small, honest moments. If someone asks, "How are you?" instead of giving the generic "good," try a "I have low energy today, but I'm hanging in there." The person who isn't intimidated by this will usually meet you at that exact point. They might say, "I feel that it's been a heavy week." The person who is intimidated by it will usually change the subject or look uncomfortable.

I also suggest seeking out value-based spaces. People who are comfortable with depth are often found in places where people care about things deeply. Art classes, book clubs, or even online niche communities. These spaces naturally attract people who lead with their hearts and minds rather than just "small talk." I also find looking for spaces that are understanding of mental health really helps, too.

I will say the cliche that quality over quantity is better when it comes to friends. When you're young, as I said, there is so much external pressure to have a huge "squad." But for those of us with deep internal lives, even just one "anchor" friend who truly gets it is worth fifty casual acquaintances. Don't rush finding friends. Think of it like a slow-burning film or book. You're looking for character development, not just a fast-paced plot. Let people earn your trust slowly.

Sometimes, the best way to find a deep-feeling friend is to be the person who isn't intimidated by their feelings. When you see someone else being a bit "too much" or struggling, reach out with that same kindness you've been practising for yourself. That shared recognition is special, and it often forms the strongest bonds.

Just a small step you could try out if you feel comfortable. The next time you find yourself in a social setting, try to find one person who seems a little quiet or "out of place" and just offer a low-pressure observation about the environment you're in.

How does that feel as a starting point? Does the idea of testing the waters feel manageable, or does it still spark that "self-protection" alarm?